Live Again

               I paused for a moment in understanding how everything had gone wrong and yet I was strong enough to be there, I said "When she wakes up to see everyone standing around her hospital bed then she will know instantly that she had almost died." I knew my life long friend Tiffany very well, for she even lived with me a whole summer right after her divorce.

I was there back in the day when she was dating more like courting her husband. Being friends with both of them made my high school memories wonderful! Their wedding was spectacular! As a brides maid I felt like a real life fairy for the day in all the magic of celebrating their love and friendship. Of course when Tiffany threw up right before walking down the aisle I held her long curly hair back from the toilet in full concern of her white wedding dress. I thought to myself in that moment "I don't think I want  my very first kiss to be at that alter after all....?"   Since she was about to be married her strict rules of Godly conduct and proper virtue was constantly hounded into us since we were 10 years old. 

I understood her world, for we lived in it together. Home schooled out on the country side a few miles from each other where every Sunday we saved a chair for each other in Sunday school, in morning and evening services, in potlucks and plays we grew up in much the same way, and so in the same church for years we even graduated from "high school" the same year. I never had trouble telling her exactly how I feel when we argued, when we challenged each other. And she was always protective of me.....

And so I watched over her that August night just last year....

The summer of 2017 found us walking arm in arm through the beautiful morning of downtown Boise Idaho. We had been paid a complement for our bright colors, flowing skirts and pure joy in being together! The server said "Are you ladies in a show? or a performance?" Tiffany smirked "I wish!" I laughed explaining "This is just what we usually wear for summer time." He burst out "I wish more people would dress like this! It's so refreshing and inspiring, You have made my day with your joy in life!' Tiffany added "She and I have been friends for 28 years!" he walked away smiling saying "Incredible!" 

We laughed and continued on in our conversation, then on our walk through downtown Tiffany had a breathing attack in which I held her for support. I told her face to face against the summer mid morning light "Listen to me, for you know I am not an advocate in seeing doctors or taking pills but YOU need to get into an appointment, something is very wrong." Tiff chuckled explaining "I think something has been very wrong with me for a couple of years now but I don't have medical coverage.' I sighed back helplessly "I hate this country's health care system, Doctors live in mansions while single mothers die...." We carefully walked back to the car and I knew in my heart something was very wrong with Tiffany.

Just last year Tiffany went in for surgery, her daughter Abby and I sat beside her bed as they prepared for her. The 3 of us held hands in our bravery, in our tears and our smiles. The night before I had cooked up a great dinner where my husband said that she will be just fine for he's had many surgeries himself. We all enjoyed the evening with many stories in laughter, with many hugs and encouragement!   Tiffany turned to my husband Tony saying "You guys have always been such good good friends to me, I know that I was difficult when I lived with you but I am glad we stayed friends!" Tony nodded to me with a knowing smile "It's all her, she knows how to care for people and stay right by their side no matter what." I felt so grateful for that night in the back of my mind was "What if she dies tomorrow? Am I ready that?"  Before she drove home that night which was just around the corner actually we had been neighbors almost 2 years.....Tiffany turned to hug me saying "If I die tomorrow know that I'm so sorry, I love you like a sister!" I commented back "If you die tomorrow...I will go postal!" we chuckled nervously waving goodbye.

Her surgery was going to be 2 hours, she had asked me to be there along side her 16 year old daughter, the last thing she said was "I am so grateful for my life, for all of it even the bad times because it makes me appreciate the good times even more, and I can't wait to breath again!"

Only 45 minuets later her Doctor appeared saying "First of all she is stable, she is resting now....." My heart went to my throat, I was right where I was meant to be, and this is what adulthood feels like a call to bravery, a call to strength when I simply wanted to run away in fear! A deep breath out I am ever so grateful she is alive! Thank you God!

my next thoughts were I needed to call her sister Molly, my dearest and sweetest friend too, she had been keeping a close connection with me through out this day, for her big sister was in a dangerous situation. If there is anything 2017 taught me it's that we only get this day to love our family, to love our friends because it will suddenly end.

The ICU is the safest place in the hospital, I walked around with such familiarity since my mother spent 2 weeks or more there.....I knew that Tiffany was very aware of the fact she had almost died in surgery. We didn't speak it but she knew when she would wink at me or do a thumbs up. I had a chat with her very protective daughter about how this whole situation is much bigger then us, that nothing went like it should of so we have to adapt now. It was impressive to see the room fill with everyone who loved her!

I had a very sweet emotional phone chat with Tiffany's youngest daughter Tally, to where I assured her that her mother will never be alone. That her mother will need more time to recover from this. When Tally was hanging up feeling better and braver, she said "Thank you for being my friend, and letting me know what is going on." I chuckled to myself of how being a friend is what I know best....I don't know how to be a doctor or a lawyer but I do know how to be a friend.

Every day for a week I brought Tiffany a smoothie, I joked around with her or just took a nap beside her hospital bed. When people came in shouting I was annoyed "She's not deaf, she just can't speak." Tiffany would laugh till she hurt, we would talk about her near death experience. She wrote to me "You talk to the professionals exactly how I would, it's very refreshing to have someone so familiar looking out for me." I grinned "Well, we did grow up in the very same community at the very same time in history. Our social traits, our mannerisms and our way in communicating are all coming from the very same society. All you have to do is say one word and I will know what you mean." 

She wrote "Grateful." I nodded proudly "Exactly!"

3 weeks later as I moved out of Boise, Tiffany came to see in my old place as I was cleaning it. "Debby?" she called out from upstairs and I dropped my mop, my heart was racing as I ran to see her "You can speak again! Hallelujah! What a wonderful voice you have, I've missed it so much!"

Learning to live again is such a big part of being alive. Being simply grateful is how I hope to move forward, as Tiffany sang out so beautifully, as she gave it her all in the pure sadness of Shawnee's funeral, I sat crying listening and slowly singing along thinking to myself how important Tiffany has been, how important her whole family has been to me. That it's such a miracle to hear her singing like we were thirteen again......

I said to Tiffany just a week ago, "I feel like I am running out of time, that in the blink of an eye I will have died so I better get my projects done now." She replied back in full understanding "I feel the exact same way. There is so much to do! Some much life to still live!"