Sitting Together

                          It was always easy sitting next to my brother Derek, Over the years at every family dinner table setup we would naturally sit beside each other. In a big family where chairs are moving around, where noisy kids and many conversations are happening at once my brother Derek would sit back to take it all in with one of his adorable laughs or sly smiles.
I would set myself right down beside him in order to chat and to catch up.
I think about all those little moments, the simplest of things like that....back when....when I never thought it would ever be so different down the road of life.

For in our 20's so many things happened, that as Mom brought us all together for one of the little boys's birthdays we came in with new stories, and new gifts. 
Our family had 2 generations in one, I was 20 years old when the baby of the family was born and Derek was a few months away from being 17. Our sister Dana had already moved out of the house so we worked together to help our parents adjust once again to a new baby. They had 3 boys under the age of 5 years old as adulthood arrived for me then for Derek as everything changed with Grandparents dying and I learning to live in my own place. Coming back home for the birthday dinners our mother would put together gave us all such good memories in the end.
Once Derek got upset at our mother for saying it was alright that the oldest little brother didn't spell correctly after all. I admired Derek for sharing how hard it is in the real world to get a job if you can't spell right the first time. Having been home schooled we all suffered greatly in poor education as it was first up to our mother to teach us but then she would get tired or distracted and even very annoyed at us for not just knowing what she already did. It took a real effort to teach our own selves as we grew older, as we realized it was up to us to know how to read and write for our parents were very distracted by their own lives and their own worries.
When all the babies were born we became truly on our own as teens and we knew that knowing the right way to spell and to behave in public was very very important. I loved and admired Derek for trying to help the next generation learn easier and have a better time growing up.
While our mother was always flustered and always trying to keep her baby boys by her side. Our visits, our coming back home to see everyone was in bringing the outside world to a very sheltered and safe place.
If I hadn't had Derek there, if I hadn't been so impressed by his wisdom in wanting to help our parents do better the second time around raising these little kids, then I would of been very discouraged. I would of felt so helpless and so frustrated all the time I think.....
 Instead I was so happy that Derek spoke bravely for proper education.
All 6 of us are now self-taught people, shortly after our mother's stroke everyone asked me who would continue the boys's education and without freaking out I smiled proudly explaining "Derek will. He and I have talked about this and we agree that our brothers will not suffer the lack of schooling, our parents are once again very distracted so I am not worried as long as Derek is watching over them. He is the chosen one! I am so grateful!"
It's hard to handle a life crisis all alone, it's even harder when our parents become the helpless ones in the family. 
I am ever so grateful that Derek was there through all of that, especially when I wasn't always welcomed to come around, so with a quick phone call Derek would keep me informed on how Mom was recovering or how smart our baby brothers were in learning all that he was teaching them. I loved those moments of him catching me up on what I had missed.
Not a single day will ever go by that I won't forget his kindness in staying connected and updated back then almost 7 years ago.....
       I never had to worry when Derek was there.




He walked over with cups of water and sat down beside me making a joke, sharing a smile and a nod towards our mother as we drank away the heat of the afternoon, For we were at his friend's wedding and I was there as the lady in waiting over our mother in her wheel chair, He was able to help me get her moved around for the ceremony and the reception. I would be taking care of Mom and making sure her go home safely. He would be enjoying the party  for the rest of the day having been able to sit a moment with us. I loved that whole day, so beautiful and so happy! He sat right beside me for a rest bit saying "This was very nice of you to bring Mom, I know she really wanted to come the moment she got the invite and I knew that I couldn't do it. So this means a lot." He nodded and I burst out "I am happy to do it! I get to see a beautiful wedding and sit outside in the sunshine, so it's perfect really.....although I realize we are not kids anymore look at my gray hair around my ears and you have a sliver back thing going on when the light hits it, when Mom first saw ya I didn't think it was you! I guess this is what our 30's look like now!" I chuckled as he nodded while getting up to kiss Mom goodbye he sent us on our way.
I often remember that day, the natural way we worked together to get our mom moved around and to see old friends. To sit beside each other, to be simply grateful for a festive fun day!

Helpful Healing

As I sat down with my grief counselor I felt nervous, I couldn't understand why because I have been wanting to do this and see someone for almost a year now.....Why Am I unsettled?  I asked myself.

Over the Holidays I realized that I couldn't unleash my flooding sorrow upon my family at least not ALL the time, not when they come together for holidays as I sob on the floor, or I get mad at them for not appreciating or getting along with each other....I wonder what has changed in me that this bugs me so much? I use to just roll with the dramas, I use to just take it as it was in all the family socializing, family taking sides and holding grudges......then suddenly I couldn't do it anymore, live along side such silliness or maybe it became silly to me after Derek died. I am the one who has changed so deeply. I am the one who needs to go see a counselor. 

Derek looked at me so worriedly, so sadly and he helplessly said "But Dad says...." I stopped him with a very kind smile "I know exactly what Dad says and that's not your fault, not yours to carry on here and I say let him come to me, let him say what he needs to say to my face...for you are innocent in all of this. God knows your true intent of heart, your friendship to me is far more important then arguing about what Mom and Dad say." I patted his arm across the table from me, reminding myself that he is only a young man trying to please his parents for I was exactly like him at that same age I smiled big at him and wink "Go live the most wonderful life possible my brother!" he hugged me as I began to leave and he choked "Don't leave...." I reassured him "You will be alright, I will always be here for you." 

Sitting in my grief counselor office I started out explaining myself sharing "Well....I don't know where to start for I have been to 8 funerals in a the past year, my grief started with the lost of my brother who I am realizing shared a huge part of my life as the days go by and it's not getting any easier quite honestly..."   She smiled so kindly listening and saying "First we will start with you, everyone else whom you have loved and lost will now always be a part of YOU, it is you who needs to be focused on." My heart melted for a moment as I realized how that makes sense since I am still alive and always trying to fix my life's story.....

I asked her "When the one year anniversary came of my brother's death I woke up sobbing and hurting, it rather surprised me because I thought I had been preparing for it all winter long.....then I got into a huge fight with my husband one for the books! I never ever fight with him but this was really bad and it also shocked me. I guess I feel helpless and worried by my reactions on that day for I fell apart worse then the actual day.....?"  She kindly explained "Every relationship goes through "Growing pains." when something traumatic happens to one but not the other there is a divide, a disconnect and a distant that comes between them until they can learn how to communicate a new way to be in that relationship, I wouldn't worry so much about it for you can learn how to ask for your own private space in grieving, it's all a sudden adjustment for everyone so allowing grace in growing pains you will see how better to deal along the way with each other. As for why that day was so very hard on you is that it always will be. It will never get easier and never be forgotten because of how much he meant to you." 

I knew that she was right and that I am ever so grateful to meet her, I felt very tired afterwards though but I had some new thoughts for myself, some new ways to get through this.

"For on that day 1 year anniversary or 50 years later you will grieve, you will feel worse then before because you realize of how his life was robbed of that time you could of had together. It's very possible that no one will understand or it will feel as if everything moved on without you that is where the focus on you comes into action, don't let yourself be taken by surprise, don't let anyone discredit your feelings and know that the farther you get away from the day he died the less there is to hang on to. This is why it hurts so much more."

I am going to enjoy seeing my grief counselor, I know that I have a lot to cover in facing so many funerals lately, but it's the new thoughts that help me get out of my own head in hurting so much. 
I have been writing like crazy in remembering, in trying to capture such memories that over time could very well fade but it's that kind of panic feeling I get in with each new year that the truth is how I am lost at sea here now.

Derek looked at me in alarm as he asked "How can you drive in this?" I leaned forward gripping the wheel of our big old car on the gravel road surrounded by thick blinding fog, I replied quickly "I am thinking from memory we should see a stop sign soon....I'm not going very fast because I don't want to miss the turn." Derek leaned forward from the passenger side the pure white fog was like a solid wall as we drove home from a church party. I was only 19 years old so he would of been 16, we rode in pure silence for awhile until Derek spotted the stop sign and I turned us onto the road carefully, only another 20 minuets of the drive left made me sigh deeply as my hands ached from gripping the wheel. Derek asked "How can you stay so calm? I would be to scared to drive in this...maybe we should pull over and wait awhile for it to maybe clear up?" I chuckled thinking to myself to have him say I was being calm made me proud, I was very tense and very focused. Calm wasn't what came to my mind so I explained "I'd rather keep going because it's after midnight so there is very little traffic on the road, if we get turned around then at least we are together and can figure out how to get home. If we pull over then I would need to keep the lights on or someone could drive into us....I think moving forward through this the best choice, that and staying on the road." I chuckled again as the gravel slowly crunch under our car against that pure white wall of fog we strained forward watching every little things we could! We had one more stop sign to look out for in order to know home was getting closer. I mumbled "That damn Snake river does this every winter!" He nodded leaning forward on the dashboard looking all around as we reached the intersection facing our farm, then suddenly the wind kicked up moving that heavy fog away from us and we cheered happily! 
 

We were so grateful to reach our home against the clear moon light and I exclaimed "Well Happy New Year Derek! We are safely home again!"   

Kodaline - Follow Your Fire

The days of Fire have flown by, now we are in the days of the bull.
I am grateful for this strength to push forward, to get through my big projects and accomplished the outside world or at least my backyard with so many weeds around my fruit trees! Ha!

Carry the fire always!

Be the good you wish to see in this world always!

The days of Aries

It's simply flown by the days of Aries and the first rise of spring.

The season of re-birth and resurrection, The new heat of a rising sun and the desire to get things done. It all makes the days of Aries quite busy, active and refreshing!

I have deep cleaned my home, I have organized my garage and planted new flowers for the front yard. In cleaning the weeds and digging up the dirt I have seen the new zodiac calendar begin with a long list of projects to get done, I am determined to finish them all since I know how tomorrow's plan are never guaranteed. 

I love this spring time, being under the sign of fire, of warmth and of living after a cold dark winter.

I married an Aries man, when his birthday comes around so does all his friends and family. Everyone wants to celebrate in the new nice weather. His birthday can usually last a week long with something to do every day! Spring awakes us all and in the Ram of Aries we all get on the move again!

I have been enjoying being so accomplished in all the things I set out to do right now, yet I have to set aside my writing, my online world to make my real world look good!

Spring is truly so beautiful!

The days of Aries are full of such new ideas and new adventures that I am so glad for the sunshine!

Aries dates; March 21 to April 19
Aquarius dates; January 20 to February 18

            Aquarius and Aries dates also both love freedom and independence, making them a great and romantic pair. They are romantic and cheesy with each other, but they also respect each other’s desires to go out on their own once in awhile to do their own thing.

Farm Dog

My husband Tony was asking me what was I singing the other day and I thought I should post this wonderful song that I love so much!
It makes me smile and feel so happy to have such wonderful dogs in my life!
Thanks to Farmer Derek for making such a great song for me to sing in my day!

Ranching Awesome (Thrift Shop Parody)

Whenever I need a laugh or to dance a jig I find Farmer Derek on Youtube! I have been following his stuff for years now and I adore him!

If I could be such a talented farmer and animated performer like him I would know that I have arrived to living the good life!

In fact I noticed in the music my friend listened to going out to Pocatello Idaho was the kind of songs he usually chooses to make his parodies!

How funny to have running through my head his words and his clever videos while her music played out the original songs.......I love Farmer Derek for bringing me such depth in the outside world AND for making me laugh so much too!

It feels good to be Ranching Awesome! 

Living in the Old and the New

Last week sure flew by, as I accompanied my friend Jess to Pocatello Idaho. She needed company for a week so we stayed in a cute basement home with a nice kitchen that we could cook all our meals there.

I was impressed by Pocatello with so many old buildings, so much history among the mountains and beautiful country side.

I was noticing the old and the new all swirling around in that town, We went shopping downtown one day and discovered some fun thrift shops and antique stores.
One antique store was huge! With 3 stories full of time traveling items, with the browsing and the walking I enjoyed a break at the coffee shop that reminded me of the treasure valley's Flying M.

I think that when the old was once new it was vibrant and hopeful so now I wonder if what we build is new for today would last as long as these first buildings for a town? The time I enjoyed walking around was delightful and reflective.
I saw so many things my Grandma and my mother had owned while I was growing up but I am not into stuff, not into collectibles so I see these things on the shelf as time stands still.
I would think everything we chase to purchase, everything we spend our hard earned money on will one day be put on the shelf for half the cost. I am left very hopeful for the future in being better at consuming and saving, realizing making money to but new things is rather fertile.
I am grateful for thrift shops, for recycling and creativity in reusing the same old item into something new.

I would love to live in a small old town, this feeling came to me while staying in Pocatello for a week, I guess it's a part of who I have always been.

In our last night we went out to a yummy steak house that was once an old hotel, this new way of using the space with wine tastings and fun menu items made me truly enjoy the evening. 

As we left Pocatello in the morning on April 6th I was also left thinking how funny to be in the very town my husband was born in on that day 38 years ago....
The old and the new are always with us. 
For we all live for awhile with everything new to us and then slowly everything grows old. 

I am left in awe of that bitter sweet realization.

Living Wild

To say that I love horses as often as I do is very true, I am in awe of their strength and their talents. I am often curious about them and yet hesitant too.  

Because I use to ride them as a kid whenever we visited our friend's home but being bucked off or bitten by them reminds me that they are real strong independent creatures of this earth.

To see the horses at my cousin's farm last summer I am delighted and aware of their amazing beauty!

This world has changed for them, yet they live on.

This world has all but rejected them, yet they don't care.

This world has lost it's natural connection and respect in learning to live more side by side with the wild.....

  I am inspired by such creatures as horses to not give up, to not hold it against us as humanity distores their way of life.

I am inspired by wild horses too of course. 

For wild Horses are such fascinating creatures, to see how Idaho has given them such life and such freedom to be together in this "Outdoor Idaho." episode.

         My heart is bursting with love for the wonderful State and for all the wild life we have surrounding us. Sometimes I am discouraged, I am annoyed by how fast the towns are turning into cities in this land.

I was born in northern Idaho, I grew up in the treasure valley and I lived through all my teen years on an orchard farm so now as an adult I realize I am not happy in the city for long, being social and doing fun things can make living life in a suburbia really nice yet whenever there is over population there will be problems. I have been reading about how fast development is happening here in Idaho all around so these are changing times. Watching this episode of wild horses gave me such comfort in thinking even though it's getting crowded in the cities we can always move out to help care for the horses!

Living in Lava Hot Springs

          

     As the stream came off the pool surrounded by many different shape pools, as the hillside was the back drop to the Hot springs we had come from Pocatello to sit and relax, my friend Jess needed a buddy for her week long stay in Pocatello so I was happy she asked me!

I haven't been any where all winter.......

It's always been on my list to revisit Lava Hot Springs, because the last time was cut short when my husband had to get back to work right away. I always knew that I would love to see more of the place someday.........

It was so wonderful!

If I lived there I would go every day, I would just sit and star at all the majestic mountains surrounding a town that reminds me of old small places in Idaho not touched by the modern world quite yet....

Driving out there made me wonder about who owns those farms, who lives out into such beautiful country side?

When the wind isn't strong the whole place is simply nice to just be.

As the stone benches and the strong railing helps everyone get in and out, the many different pools of temperature was fascinating to me!

If I got really hot I could move to a different place to sit back in the sun light or in a covered area, in the steam or out I truly loved this place!

......................And of course I plan on returning again!

                                              LAVA HOT SPRINGS