Helpful Healing

As I sat down with my grief counselor I felt nervous, I couldn't understand why because I have been wanting to do this and see someone for almost a year now.....Why Am I unsettled?  I asked myself.

Over the Holidays I realized that I couldn't unleash my flooding sorrow upon my family at least not ALL the time, not when they come together for holidays as I sob on the floor, or I get mad at them for not appreciating or getting along with each other....I wonder what has changed in me that this bugs me so much? I use to just roll with the dramas, I use to just take it as it was in all the family socializing, family taking sides and holding grudges......then suddenly I couldn't do it anymore, live along side such silliness or maybe it became silly to me after Derek died. I am the one who has changed so deeply. I am the one who needs to go see a counselor. 

Derek looked at me so worriedly, so sadly and he helplessly said "But Dad says...." I stopped him with a very kind smile "I know exactly what Dad says and that's not your fault, not yours to carry on here and I say let him come to me, let him say what he needs to say to my face...for you are innocent in all of this. God knows your true intent of heart, your friendship to me is far more important then arguing about what Mom and Dad say." I patted his arm across the table from me, reminding myself that he is only a young man trying to please his parents for I was exactly like him at that same age I smiled big at him and wink "Go live the most wonderful life possible my brother!" he hugged me as I began to leave and he choked "Don't leave...." I reassured him "You will be alright, I will always be here for you." 

Sitting in my grief counselor office I started out explaining myself sharing "Well....I don't know where to start for I have been to 8 funerals in a the past year, my grief started with the lost of my brother who I am realizing shared a huge part of my life as the days go by and it's not getting any easier quite honestly..."   She smiled so kindly listening and saying "First we will start with you, everyone else whom you have loved and lost will now always be a part of YOU, it is you who needs to be focused on." My heart melted for a moment as I realized how that makes sense since I am still alive and always trying to fix my life's story.....

I asked her "When the one year anniversary came of my brother's death I woke up sobbing and hurting, it rather surprised me because I thought I had been preparing for it all winter long.....then I got into a huge fight with my husband one for the books! I never ever fight with him but this was really bad and it also shocked me. I guess I feel helpless and worried by my reactions on that day for I fell apart worse then the actual day.....?"  She kindly explained "Every relationship goes through "Growing pains." when something traumatic happens to one but not the other there is a divide, a disconnect and a distant that comes between them until they can learn how to communicate a new way to be in that relationship, I wouldn't worry so much about it for you can learn how to ask for your own private space in grieving, it's all a sudden adjustment for everyone so allowing grace in growing pains you will see how better to deal along the way with each other. As for why that day was so very hard on you is that it always will be. It will never get easier and never be forgotten because of how much he meant to you." 

I knew that she was right and that I am ever so grateful to meet her, I felt very tired afterwards though but I had some new thoughts for myself, some new ways to get through this.

"For on that day 1 year anniversary or 50 years later you will grieve, you will feel worse then before because you realize of how his life was robbed of that time you could of had together. It's very possible that no one will understand or it will feel as if everything moved on without you that is where the focus on you comes into action, don't let yourself be taken by surprise, don't let anyone discredit your feelings and know that the farther you get away from the day he died the less there is to hang on to. This is why it hurts so much more."

I am going to enjoy seeing my grief counselor, I know that I have a lot to cover in facing so many funerals lately, but it's the new thoughts that help me get out of my own head in hurting so much. 
I have been writing like crazy in remembering, in trying to capture such memories that over time could very well fade but it's that kind of panic feeling I get in with each new year that the truth is how I am lost at sea here now.

Derek looked at me in alarm as he asked "How can you drive in this?" I leaned forward gripping the wheel of our big old car on the gravel road surrounded by thick blinding fog, I replied quickly "I am thinking from memory we should see a stop sign soon....I'm not going very fast because I don't want to miss the turn." Derek leaned forward from the passenger side the pure white fog was like a solid wall as we drove home from a church party. I was only 19 years old so he would of been 16, we rode in pure silence for awhile until Derek spotted the stop sign and I turned us onto the road carefully, only another 20 minuets of the drive left made me sigh deeply as my hands ached from gripping the wheel. Derek asked "How can you stay so calm? I would be to scared to drive in this...maybe we should pull over and wait awhile for it to maybe clear up?" I chuckled thinking to myself to have him say I was being calm made me proud, I was very tense and very focused. Calm wasn't what came to my mind so I explained "I'd rather keep going because it's after midnight so there is very little traffic on the road, if we get turned around then at least we are together and can figure out how to get home. If we pull over then I would need to keep the lights on or someone could drive into us....I think moving forward through this the best choice, that and staying on the road." I chuckled again as the gravel slowly crunch under our car against that pure white wall of fog we strained forward watching every little things we could! We had one more stop sign to look out for in order to know home was getting closer. I mumbled "That damn Snake river does this every winter!" He nodded leaning forward on the dashboard looking all around as we reached the intersection facing our farm, then suddenly the wind kicked up moving that heavy fog away from us and we cheered happily! 
 

We were so grateful to reach our home against the clear moon light and I exclaimed "Well Happy New Year Derek! We are safely home again!"