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Thursday, March 2, 2017

Last Saturday

           I pull the curtain back to such a beautiful late Saturday morning, "It looks like Spring! I can't wait for Mothers day! that patio needs life like that on it again." 
My husband replied back while drinking his coffee and reading the news feed "I found a new recipe for you Mom, a different style for Shrimp scampi." I laughed and said "She'll be thrilled! I told her that I am going to ask Derek for some smoked meats too this year! She said that we will make up for a bad winter with lots of activities this spring...oh wait I need to call her for her anniversary today, where's my phone?" my husband asked "How many years married again?" I replied "39, I accidentally said 18 years but that is for Davey's birthday today too, he is 18!?!? God, the time won't hold still! I'll call him too and maybe sing for awhile to him." Tony said as he went off to his office "God, what a crazy week this has been, I am sure glad it's over!"

I called Mom and we chatted for awhile, I was left thinking everyone was lazily enjoying this magical sun light Saturday, this first day feeling like spring after such a bad winter. 

My father texted "Call me 911." my heart froze and I thought instantly of my mother, her health sometimes worries me so much. 
Then when my father shared that Derek was killed in a snowboarding accident, my terror knew no boundaries! 
HE was my friend! ....not just my brother!

Suddenly last Saturday was the saddest day of my life, and I thought I had lived through some shit before....

It was a huge thing to me for Derek and I to become friends through my mother's stroke and we grew closer over these last 5 years.

He helped me understand that I won't ever have what I wanted from our parents, I should just let them live as they want and be there whenever I can instead of trying to make it something bigger then it really was.

He said to me once "I know you want a happy ending, but that's not life."

Now almost a week from his death I can remember our walk through downtown as he said that he would help me take our mother on a road trip of course, he just worries that she and I are hoping for more from it then it would really be. 

We often talked about our family whenever we were together, I loved his insight and I didn't feel so helpless when we discussed things together.

My husband Tony said sadly "You and your brother sure hung a lot this past year, I mean more then usual even??? It's like you guys knew how to get around your family and just be with each other naturally, it's like you both knew time was running out." I sobbed as I hugged my husband and then Tony chuckled "You were also nagging him a lot about not being alone on the mountains." I explained through this sharp pain in my chest "I had a thought "He will die in the mountains." once and it bugged me so much! That I HAD to warn him or say something about my gut feelings."

As I drove out to my parents after the news Derek had died, I felt so panicked, so mad and so sad at the same time, our friendship was so very important to me. He would light up a room with a joke or a big smile!

He always gave hugs with no problem, he was a good listener to our father, a good gift giver to our mother, a kind person to our sister and most importantly of all he was a good mentor to our baby brothers!

For me, he was my clever witty friend!
   For me, he was my little brother who was gentle and generous......

AND Who was also very adventurous too! 

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