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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

To the End

When I stopped still this morning I cried, lately all I do is feel sad. Maybe it's still in me on how I miss my Benny Girl, but it's so much more as well......the sense of being lost is growing in me. I have no tolerance for annoying people, no tolerance for the rushing time pushing upon my own life span. I'm seeking profound movies, profound books and TV shows...spiritual and uplifting with deep raw emotions I am not wanting any of my own silliness......I have a desire to seek out people with depth.
I am not at the end of my life just the end of a chapter, but I keep repeating the scene from "The Sopranos" When Tony meets with his Psychologist addressing some of his depression, He says it so perfectly on how I feel right now;  

"It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over."-Tony Soprano
Perhaps living with a sense of loss brings those thoughts that the way life once was for others back in the day was somehow more promising, more inspiring for it was the beginning of invention.
Right now we have poor food choices, lack of sleep and constant consuming or spending of money which leaves us as a society dripping in oil, and in blood. 
I can see what I don't want to be, I just can't feel inspired to start up something new right now....this has me a bit worried for I use to like reaching for the stars in everything I choose. yet I am noticing in myself a huge frustration to face the new days ahead. It could all be avoidance, I don't want to hurt anymore. 
To the end I will keep walking on, helping people up who tripped or fall beside me, I will not chase after those who don't like me and will still learn to not avoid or be so afraid of this familiar deep pain. 
In my joy of laughter and in my vibrant unconditional love I will be always aware of how short life is, of how grateful I am to be apart of this simple moment. 
To the end I am still myself as from the beginning of my first breath, only sometimes now I am sitting down instead of flying on these much stronger butterfly wings.

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