Never the same again...

When we were at the hospital all the time this past summer hours ran into days and days into weeks, Just a few days after my mother's stroke in the chaos of moving her out of the ICU. In the raw emotions of us all, the nurses seemed unsure of what they were doing for our mother. THIS was not the best behavior of the part of the hospital staff since I knew any personal question to my sensitive father like "What meds is she on?" "When was the last time she had this or that done?" QUESTIONS like this made it look like they were clueless and I cringed. With my father if you don't know then you are not doing your job, I learned later that it's part of the policy to always ask even if they already know. Pretty soon my father would be fit to be tied, then everyone would be walking on egg shells with him telling me to send him home right away. I would just shake my head saying "No one can tell my father to do anything, even if it's time he got some sleep." I called my brother to ask him what to do, he is the only sibling who can both calm our Dad and take over without any conflict. When the evening came of this emotional roller coaster day our father headed home completely wiped out with my teenaged brothers this left us adult children standing together. The head nurse finally came to explain how our mother was still in danger of more brain swelling so a hot shower which was mom's main repetitive request all day long could not be met safely at this time. My sister Dana was all ready to do the shower herself with my help, my brother Derek who called the shots for our father seemed calmed but suspicious at the same time. I stood between them, thinking here we are the first three kids in the big family. We are all around the age of 30, elbow to elbow, listening to how the day's craziness is finally explained. Mom was still trying to get up or calling out for the nurse as the head nurse smiled at us while saying "You may notice she has changed, this comes from the stroke." I heard myself say inside my head "No shit." but I just nodded at her quietly as Derek explains "Yes she has changed, she used to be the most generous giving person that ever lived and so sweet!" I looked at him side ways realizing how she behaved around him was different then when she was around me. I began to realize in this environment when fear, trauma and stress takes over we create heroes and angels out of our hurt family members. It isn't bad thing, we are living in open raw emotional time thinking things through are almost humanly impossible. The nurse mention our mother's health when my sister burst forth with her own input saying "There was NO ONE more healthier in this world then HER." I frowned in confusion because I never got that impression from our mother. If sugar was a drug then Mom was a true addict, but then how do you explain that in this moment of pure chaos? I stood there in the middle realizing that on both sides of me are strong opposite personalities, I grew up right here, right here in this position my whole life. I don't think they were wrong, just exaggerated a bit due the fact we were watching our mother be confined to the hospital bed. My mother was always wanting to be healthy but couldn't past up a treat, she would give you anything from her garden of produce but all the while judging the outside world as a horrid sinful place. I saw her in a different way because she treated me very different. It's not a horrible thing to say she was an angel or a hero, a super woman of true health or mother Teresa in giving the world a loving hand. But the facts prove otherwise, I realized I didn't have to explain a thing in this moment. That head nurse focused in on me when she spoke and we made eye contact as I saw her smile and nod at us while trusting me to remain respectful towards her. I suddenly realized that I was never going to be the same person after all of this. My mother asking for a hot shower over and over again with her adorable lisp, with her one good arm swinging out grabbing and throwing things I knew I am forever changed and I am never going back. Later that same day when mom being clearly confused and NOT in the present threw the TV controls across the room, I just chuckled as it hit the wall. Looking at Mom I said "WELL I guess that is not important now is it?" Her shrugged annoyingly. and I went home that evening to throw away all my baking stuff. No more sugar or gluten for me, no more flour or grains. My mother had a stroke and she was the one who taught me nutrition, she said to me even a month before her stroke that eating EVERYTHING is the best way to live, the best way to cover all the nutrition out there. SHE said this over another cherry coke, a beverage she never went a day without.....that is why I know I am changed. I will never go back to the same ol' foods, the same ol' idea to eat everything in being healthy. Simply my mother and I, both, are never going to be the same again.

Half Tanked

I remember the very time I went rafting, the beautiful Idaho mountains full of pine trees and wild flowers, big birds, small birds and even butterflies. Rafting down the payette river was like entering one of those TV nature shows, only more personal. Even from driving on the road above you don't get to really see it all like in my first rafting journey. I was in my element feeling the strength in my arms as I paddled along, it really was a moment of soul searching in my awe of the world around us. I loved the beaming sunshine and coolness in dipping into the water then with my same big arms once again I could pull myself back into the raft after swimming in the calm part of the river......This is my kind of "work out" rafting the river laughing with friends!....maybe enjoying a ice cold beer now and again too:-)


The group all met at the gas station just before we hit the mountains side to drive up to unload our rafting gear and take off down the white waters. My husband Tony said he would fill the car up as I ran to the restroom and bought some bottle waters. When he suddenly yell out to me from the gas station doors "DEBBY get me a Reese cup too!" His mother stood next to me and we both gave each other THAT LOOK. Mama Jojo Hissed back "YOU get it yourself, Debby is busy." I giggle as I set my stuff on at the register Tony hurried over with his requested saying "They don't have DARK chocolate reeses....so I didn't get any I guess, OH grab sunflower seeds!" I roll my eyes mumbling "Gross, now I will have to watch you spit out seed shells all the way there. Nasty." The register clerk smiled and nodded at me then Tony suddenly threw in some jerky to our order with his Mom standing behind us saying "You are holding up the line guys." So as we raced back to our car I said "Tone you can't leave the car at the pump if you are not using it...look at the line people are waiting!" I hurried and noticed he hesitated as he put away the pump. We all were off up the highway after a few mountains corners I worried out loud "Oh no the gas tank gadget-thingy is broken." Tony choked on his drink and coughed a bit then looked all around shifting in his seat. He finally said slowly "I might not have gassed up....." I squealed "WE ARE UNDER THE EMPTY LINE......We are NOT going to make it there TONY!" I had my cell phone in my ear as I could feel a huge laughter starting to choke me..."Hey Mom we have to turn back and get gas....Yup He forgot! We will not make it there without any gas." Laughter was coming from us both by this time as crazy as this moment was...it also was Tony's usual kind of adventures. Mom swung her car back down the mountain to be with us saying "Tony if we didn't love you, we would kill you!" I on the other hand had been laughing so hard my eyes were watering all the way back to the gas station! Tony explained "Well I started to get gas but I realized I needed a candy bar so I would just shout into the store to have Debby get that then I would go back to pump the gas however I got distracted....I guess." I was still giggling as I pumped the gas, for not being stranded on the mountain side with no cell phone service because of all of this could have happened....driving all the way back was far better to feeling safe again. I still can burst out into giggles remember the look on Tony's face when I had no idea, he was wondering to himself how to get around this but knew a straight answer is what I always want.   
AND then I can honestly laugh....  

I love you, I love you, I love you

WE really can not say it enough yet it can also be a difficult thing to say at the very same time! But for my life I hope to never stop using it and continuing to understand what it means....LOVE has thousands of layers to it for the power in such an emotion can send you flying into the clouds or making it simply possible to breath again. I LOVE YOU are words to celebrate and enjoy! Words to share and a life time to live for! My birthday was yesterday and I love my life, all the amazing people in it too!

The Ring, The Scream

I really thought the most terrifying movie ever was "The Ring" while watching it with my then boyfriend Tony, so in my early 20's I wasn't use to that style of movie. And I didn't open my eyes through the worse craziest parts of the scary story. Then years later after we were married I was sleeping deep into the night when the sound of Tony up peeing also reminding me of the same need to go. I stood up quickly within a few seconds of waiting sleepily for Tony with my long hair hanging messily down my face, Then suddenly there was a huge scream that was so loud and so unexpected it made me hit the floor in reaction to hide in such panic. Tony had rounded the corner to the bedroom and saw me standing there completely still with no real face in the dark and instantly remembered the scary movie "The Ring" and then screamed! I crawled up from the floor mad that he had scared me to death and he went to bed mad that I had been standing there not caring to remove my hair from my face. Although we both agreed he has NEVER screamed that loud before.....Even though I was laughing later when I was glad to know I hadn't peed myself in whole dramatic event and in also thinking to myself of what I must have looked like for him. I had to really convince him I hadn't planned it all, I explained to him saying "If I was trying to startle you at 3am in the morning why would I scream back at you and hit the floor the second you saw me?" Then my giggles began again realizing how some movies have those moments that stay with you forever.........

Red Velvet and that little girl smile......

I am not sure if my husband would think I am as clever and funny as I personally see myself BUT I defiantly can laugh looking back every time:-)

It was fun to bake all the time when I was a baking fool and in our days of the condo either dancing down the smooth long hallway, watching TV or baking were pretty much it.

I was overhearing the loud noises from the TV in my tiny kitchen as I jumped back suddenly and spun around in alarm with my big fluffy white towel covered in Red Velvet Cake batter exclaiming "OH MY GOD! TONY LOOK!" He screamed suddenly at this sight as I held the towel out right in front of him. So from his cozy chair in front of the TV He jumped back after his first scream with wide eyes and yelled "WHAT THE....!?!" I stop my dramatic look of panic with a normal sigh trying not to die laughing at Tony's frozen face explaining "I got red velvet cake batter all over my new kitchen towel...." He replied "That wasn't funny....you are not very good with using knifes, what the hell was I going to do?" My heavy laughter had me crawling back to the kitchen of baking......

A Rubber Snake

When I reflect over my life I realize some things never change like my desire to laugh until I cry and my sides hurt. Putting flowers in my hair, twirling and playing hide n' Seek outside. I am an actual grown up now.......although I say clearly "Oh HELL Nooooo." Along with a certain defiance to the reality, that clear understanding I always had over how the world could spit us out or let us fly as soon as we grow up......SO I will choose to fly:-)

My husband Tony sat watching tv next me when he stated "Well I never made it to the bathroom..." I flew up from our couch like a bomb in alarm and pure panic exclaiming "WHAT?!?" He was surprised with his hand still in our popcorn bowl looking at me oddly "Its no big deal, I will get it done tomorrow....?" I hesitated thinking to myself that this is crazy because.......then it hits me, the broken handle on the toilet in the bathroom! I burst out laughing so hard and he shook his head once again at my oddness as I explain "Don't say it LIKE THAT! "I didn't make it to the bathroom???!!!???" Suddenly Tony started laughing also while saying "I guess with me you never know..." Our condo bathroom ceiling was ripped out due the upstairs neighbor broken pipe, it was truly scary looking all ripped up and pipes sticking out so I covered it in plastic then while talking to my sister-in-law I got the idea of setting a rubber snake up there........

It's so easy to get to my husband because his list of things that annoy or startle him is quite long. I casually mention hearing a weird noise in the open ceiling while in a phone chat earlier in the afternoon, he hated this whole event of trying to get it fixed. That night when he got home from work I mention that I hadn't been in the back of the condo all evening so as he entered the bathroom I heard the door hit the wall as he fell back in alarm at the sight of the shadowy snake resting on the plastic  while exclaiming "DEBBY!" then when he saw me with my tears of laughing so hard into my blanket he realized it was just a rubber snake and I really couldn't help myself!

Growing up is a real event, but not loosing the ability to laugh and cry or joke and play can help with the responsibilities that follow our age. Whenever someone says "Grow up." I always shrug in reply thinking "That is just not going to happen....at least not for me. I see adult hood in a romantic way of leading the next generation to a better happier life while sharing in the endless youth of our souls! Life is way to short to not buy a rubber snake or find a swing! 

life is Good, so laugh it up!

Such Amazing Strength