My Sad Story

        As everyone gathered, as everyone got seated for the ceremony program in honoring Derek's wonderful life I noticed our childhood church held memories that were flooding me like an ocean wave and I just wanted to stay there in my mind and in the past.
Where he smiled and laughed or even lectured about something he knew.
As everyone gathered I realized that this would be my sad story for the rest of my life, this was going to be it.

When the memorial service, as everyone gathered as the church was packed, as I already knew it would be.
Earlier that week my father said "Everyone hates funerals." I replied "Yes but Everyone loved Derek, so you will need more room then you ever thought possible."
He nodded at me as we both knew this kind of pain doesn't ever go away.

 As the service began as I sat with my family, as I felt so raw and so aware at the very same time.
This was going to be a program honoring such a good man, that I would never want it to end.
As the leading speaker who clearly knew my brother began the memorial service by saying "I'm going to do something a bit different and ask all you to stand in applause for the life of Derek Klein."

I burst forth such pride and such honor in clapping hard. 
It felt so powerful and so good to clap on with all the love I have for my brother!
With all the memories we shared in being there for each other over the years, in challenging each other to be our best selves and in our simple understanding that as siblings we were lucky to stay friends.
Clapping all together in honor of his life and in honor of his kindness to this world I was made stronger. I was made better for in that moment we were all so very proud of him.

I use to think that I had some sad stories in my life but nothing can ever compare to this very week of last year......

I use to think that my brother was always going to be here with me on this beautiful earth.
I use to think so many things that I don't anymore, my sad story will always teach me how quickly everything can change. How precious life can be! Especially one so loved that the sound of clapping fills the room when he takes his leave. 

Here Comes The Sun

On the morning, on that beautiful sunny bright Saturday morning in February after the worse winter in history, after all that snow and all that cold. After 6 weeks not being able to get my car out of the drive way in Boise Idaho. I happily looked out in that weekend morning with new hope for spring to arrive again soon!

My husband had just finished taking his big bar exam that had consumed his whole life for 4 months. So I cheerfully called my mother while sipping my coffee in the warmth of the sun!
Everything was so nice, everything was so perfect that I had been in wonder over how happy I felt. The night before I was getting ready for a Fundraiser event thinking to myself "When everything is perfect, something bad happens the very next day." Wait why would I think that? what is wrong with me? Am I afraid of happiness and pure delight in being alive when everything is working out again? I am pure mental to notice all these wonderful things and still worry...."
My husband was making breakfast and I was walking my dog as the sun light felt so wonderful the beginning weekend had started up!
And I was peacefully just happy!
I had called my mother to wish her well on my parents Anniversary, she told me that my brother Derek was coming out in the evening, so all truly was well and good.
I called my brother Davey next because it was also his 18th birthday and I had to tease him about not being my baby brother anymore!
The world was so beautiful in that sun light so I shared this very song on my facebook profile.  For we were heading right into Spring and all was perfect in my eyes.....
At the exact same hour as the sun light greeted my smiling face, my brother Derek was snowboarding under it's same warmth!
He was hitting those deep snowy slopes, those heavy snowy mountains. Under that very same hard sun.
I got the call about 3pm, I can still hear my screaming echoing in my memory.
The pure terror of loosing someone you loved so much that your heart broke in 2 in the instant of time and the fading of that sun light....
Here comes the sun had been a great song to choose for that perfect morning, while As strong as you were comforted me in the darkest night of the saddest day I had ever known.............

Go Rest High On That Mountain ...

Dear Derek,

One year ago today you died while snowboarding up on Baldy mountain and my whole world changed forever. 
It's truly hard living on with out you here to make a joke or share in a memory of our childhood.

Thank you for being such a great guy in my life, I miss our friendship.
.......My sweet Mountain Man.....My Brother!

Love Always
Debby

Snowy Mountain

Baldy mountain in Sun Valley Idaho is what I want to call death mountain for claiming the life of my brother Derek almost a year ago.

And Yet it's rather beautiful too. It's all that white snow and wide slopes that makes it such a popular ski resort.

Sun Valley has been famous in movies and with Hollywood actors.

I enjoyed ice skating there when I was 19 years old.

I think about how just 12 months ago this place wasn't even on my mind, how I didn't know anything about tree wells. 

(Although I saw tree wells when I skied as a teen/young adult and thought to myself "Ya don't want to fall down that!")

It's very important to know how to avoid them. It's always better to never be out there all alone.

I am grateful for all the videos I have seen about Tree Wells, and the dangers of avalanches.

I still look up at the Bogus Basin lights

thinking about Derek snowboarding in those cold beautiful evenings and nights.

I will always miss him sitting beside me as our skies dangle down together

from the chair lift as the moon was bright and the wind was freezing....

Derek shares "I want to learn how to snowboard." I laugh and reply back "You'll be on your butt most of the time...sounds horrible to me!"

20 years later he was flying down the hill like surfing the ocean waves!

 The Man from Snowy Mountain.

O "Fly On" - Coldplay

I would love to fly out into the horizon of this beautiful earth! Be free from sadness and stress. Be happy in the sun light again.......

I would love to see the world made a safer place for the next generation....I would like to sing on!

Hootie And The Blowfish - Time

I am tired today.

I am very sad of course but I am also focusing all my attention on love and the Army of Good.

I am tired of all these mass shootings, they are coming to Idaho like a dark storm out in the horizon and I feel like screaming "JUST STOP!" 

I am ready for the future now that I know it will be tragic, but time is a cycling thing, I feel like kicking ass of those who cause such sudden deaths.

I am tired today. It has been a long stressful sad year, a very emotional holiday season and now a struggling new year of what to do in fixing our society as death find us all very worn out still. 
I have see myself changing along with everything around me...for good or bad this is how it is......
DO GOOD, BE KIND and Leave the world a better place then when ya found it.

Bob Dylan- Knockin' on Heaven's Door

I have been to many funerals in the last 12 months.

I have sat in the front row as a slide show displayed my very own family, my dear dear brother Derek.

I have heard inspiring groups full of funny stories and bright sunny memories. 
I have sang really old hymns and laid flowers down on the casket, I have prayed in many group prayers at all times of such great loss and pain.
So in all these funerals I have had practice on behavior, on what expect and I always learned something more.....

Yet for yesterday it was truly beautiful in all this raw pain of the sudden death of such a beautiful young woman in our lives, now gone forever.
I hurt for everyone in her family, I am grateful that I knew her, for she sure made me laugh! She sure made the world a lovely place!

Dearest Shawnee Honey, you were loved, thank you for your friendship!