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Friday, July 14, 2017

How She looks....

Sometimes when I am spending the day with my Mother I can see how young she really is, for she has a playful spirit in wanting to go on new adventures.
She wants a busy social life full of events with friends and family to distract her from her aftermath of her massive stroke.

She likes to laugh, to go out to eat all different kinds of foods. She is always making a list in her head of things she needs or things she wants to give away as gifts for others.
She is also very trapped.
She is very aware of her own selfishness that has been enhanced since her stroke, for it left her trying to survive at the mercy of others who can help her out since she only has one moving hand and leg.

I sat with her yesterday over Mexican food, looking at her curly long gray hair that I twisted up into berets after her long shower. She has been very tired and sleepy when I first arrived out on the farm and in her cozy cottage.
She has a new chair and a couple of new beds in her bedroom along with a new big book shelf full of books. 
(I try to always bring her books)
I feel like her place is looking really good lately, pictures of Derek decorate the wall. Mom has a nice big picture of him cross country skiing right by her bed that I always love seeing it.
It had greeted me at his funeral, my brother's smile is so genuine in that moment out into the forest on a sunny winter's day.

As I sat enjoying lunch with my mother, I realized that I can see she how young she feels inside, whenever she is sick or hurting more from her paralyzed side I feel alarmed by how much she can aged, I feel like I am running out of time with her maybe.....
I worry so easily as all of this has left me in traumatized state of mind, like something really bad could happen to her again. 
I am aware of it in myself as I take my Mom shopping we stroll up and down with a basket to carry the things she wants to buy and we unload it in the cart by the register then go back to shopping because I can push her wheel chair better then trying to push a cart and her chair. (Especially when I am on my own with her then I set it up as easy as possible. For I am never shopping for myself, never in a hurry. never over scheduled nor am I trying to dig into stuff on sale for a better deal. It's about what my mom wants most importantly) 
Last week we went for Chinese food because she wouldn't stop talking about it and so I told her yesterday "I think I like Mexican food far more then Chinese food." She replied very playfully back "Well, I like it ALL. I like food in general!" we laughed.

Lunch was so lovely, I noticed that my Mom looked so beautiful! She looked a lot better then a month ago even, so I was truly grateful to eat and laugh with her!

               Ever since my mother's stroke we've been friends. I sat thinking about how important that has been for me, being close and caring over my mother makes me so grateful and proud. Looking back in many ways we were close as mother and daughter, sitting in the mall at 8pm drinking lime-aids and laughing as she wanted to keep going from sale rack to sale rack but I suggested we sit a moment for a refreshment. She seemed to relax, to talk with me over how she misses being with girls for on that night in time her whole life was about the boys. I had already decided to spend the whole day and night with her at the mall not far from my home back then......
For on that special day I shared with her all about what my life was like, I never complained nor did I end our time together to soon for her. 

So I can understand her obsession with shopping now after her stroke to bring back that sense of excitement and of youth she had before this trauma hit her body. 

I sat admiring my Mother yesterday, her body is older then her soul. I could see it so clearly as she shared on about the things she needs to unload.

I walked beside my mom to the car helping her balance safely on her cane. She looked so good in the sun light with her matching jewelry sparkling for we had spent the morning organizing everything in her bedroom again. It has been 6 full years now.......since July 18, 2011.

I drove us home mentioning upcoming events for her to look forward to in the rest of the summer. I thought about how she and I always talk about Derek, we both get teary eyed as Mom says "It's just so sad that he isn't coming around anymore, I think about him every day when I first wake up and it makes me hurt all over again." I wiped my eyes with my napkin and share back with a soft smile "It will ALWAYS be so very very sad, and that's okay to realize. Okay to always cry."

I had a flashback of last September while I strolled with Mom through Kohls, she looked so good all dressed up for the new day out! 
She was excited to see Clearance signs every where with her hair pinned up decorated by her butterfly berets. With the shopping bag tied to the back of her chair I began helping her look through the racks just as Derek arrived!  That had been such a fun day!... with him making side comments to me as Mom got so frustrated at him, in helping each other hold things for our mother while joking around and even laughing so hard that Mom stated "I can't take YOU kids any where!" and then we laughed all the more!
Oh how that fun shopping day ended with us 3 sitting in my car having drinks and snacks from sonic as Mom couldn't believe that Derek didn't buy a single thing when it was a huge clearance sale through out the whole store!
He grinned at her saying "Even if it's 3 dollars if I don't need it then I am wasting my money." Mom just shook her head in disagreement snapping back "Well, you will never find it again for 3 dollars is what I am saying." my brother giggled at her from the back seat leaning in between us to visit.

  So I spent yesterday with my mom wondering if one day she will say that she never wants to go shopping again? 
I would be completely okay with that, yet shopping wasn't ever my thing. 
Of course I grew up thinking that we should go shopping as a social event.
 With less people over time to go shopping with then I don't really want to go out shopping....
Buying things was never the purpose for me. 
I realized that as Mom said "You should look for some new ties for Tony." her face lit up at the idea and I chuckled while nodding back and stopping to look at them as she was truly happy to be there with me, helping me look for a good deal.
Her awareness of the store, her excitement to get everything on her list and her confidence to rolling on by herself for a bit made me smile because I was in her world, she looked so beautiful in her wheel chair determined to see what was there all around us. 
She commented back over her shoulder up towards me "There could be a sale on men's shirts too." I replied back with a peaceful nod saying "Maybe so."

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