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Thursday, July 13, 2017

How it was.....

Whenever I shared about my 4 brothers my face lights up, at least I have been told this many times over the years.....

I love my family very naturally, I try to not cause more stress or drama when I show up but sometimes I loose my temper with my father as he can loose his with me. Yet it's my mother who is use to calling the shots for us, so I guess I saw my parents like people on a Chess Board all of my life......

Being with my brothers was easy, so fun as they were little and energized for a new life, I saw an opportunity for a better family structure through them, for a better family connection.

I will always know that they were born to save our family in the end. We may not like each other at times but we all loved those baby boys!

I had no idea that it was clearly seen my love for my brothers. But it's the best part of my history, being like a second mother will always give me such peace and joy when I look back through all the crazy changes.....

I realize now that I never gave up on my parents even when they were the most difficult to be around, I just set up healthy boundaries for the sake of being there for my 4 brothers still living at home long after my own life took on a new wonderful love story!

It was hard at time to be kept at arms length and to be judged constantly by my Mother and Father for not attending church anymore, nor believing in the bible exactly like them......This is what they used against me whenever I came to see or play with my brothers. 
   I had to learn how to not take it personal but it was very frustrating along the way, I would make gift cards for "A Fun Day in Boise with Big Sissy." that each brother could cash in to do whatever they would like "A movie, A day at the Zoo, Painting pottery, ride paddle boats, a game of tennis or basketball." 
All those years I look back grateful they were in my life even though my parents never allowed them to do any of those things unless they attended too. 
It was so weird to me that especially my mother would never want me to be alone with my brothers as they grew up. I would never of said anything bad about her or her faith so I was confused by all of this....
Even on our week long trip to the Oregon coast she was friendly one moment then very preachy rude and judgmental in the very next, so I knew that I would never go again on a road trip with her like that. Her yo-yo ways made my head spin in such chaotic careful awareness in hoping my responses would keep our adult friendship intact. 
Then I would look at my 6 year old brother Davy on that trip realizing I was there for him, not there to prove our mother wrong about me, instead I would give him a high five or big smile, for I was seeking the good in everything around us! Oh how I still look back in awe of those 3 blonde hair blue eyed boys! 
We made sand castles, we ran through the salty waves and we laughed so hard in the warm fall sun shine! 

...then they grew up way to fast! I tired to never loose contact with them as we go through time.

        The most important fact of all is that I never lost contact with Derek over the busy years of our 20's. We enjoyed a hug or a hello when we bumped into each other as different as we were, we were family as we were comfortable in our own space and our own lives.  
I am thankful looking back, I am truly proud of my 4 brothers even more as time flies by!

For whatever my parents fears were in having me come around their home over all those years, I knew I could only do my best with them........
There is always hope in me, it's always possible even 40 years later.....that my family can heal and be better to each other. 
Like the song "Tonight's the night that the world begins again." I have always believed in that very song!

I thank God for each one of my siblings, even my very strong stubborn Sister, and I never stopped loving my parents with unconditional love even in my days of severe anger towards them. I carried such love to not give up on them.

Grace is the answer for all of this! 
My family history was made bearable because of my 4 brothers, it didn't just end because I would never walk away from them! I will always pray for their safety as I did on the day they were born.

My Mom has often said "If the boys are with Derek then they are very safe, I can relax knowing that." 
I would smile in agreement with her because Derek was always sharing safety tips in everything.....

This all makes me realize how important safety and such good memories are to us in the end. I will try my hardest to create joy, to create love instead of judgement, instead of needing to be right I want to soak in all the light!
I will choose to take in the future with wonder and change the stories from abuse to amazing strength of Goodness! 

I will be in awe of all things because I know there is no limit to healing, to finding a better way through the history into the future.

I am always going to light up when I share How it was......

For I had 4 brothers! and I sure love them!

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