It's been a really busy distracting day, one in which I was trying not to be so sad in it and now late at night I can really reflectively cry out my loss of remembering my sweet Benny girl, 1 year is now how I will think in reference to time without her no more counting weeks or months......
I
remember how I was a year ago, how I walked into closed doors and
turned into walls and tripped over my own bookcase. I remember how I
locked myself out of my own car and my own home in that day after
Benny's death, how I left my coffee up on top of the moving car and
forgot where I was even driving to...it was so out of character for me
to do all those things even forget to put the cream back in the frig on a
100 degree hot summer day. Looking back I can never recall a time in my
life where I was not functioning in awareness and now I realize down
time is very important during a time of grief. I was completely
surprised by all those absent minded mistakes, that deep distraction
taught me to be ready next time in taking it easy. I
love sitting and thinking, even more now since one year ago. To laugh
and smile is to be here in this moment of right now, to finally feel at
peace in knowing that I will never ever forget my best friend. Her time
in my life gave me so much of a sister and a real friend. I could never
forget that, I will understand next time when I get so cloudy inside
myself with such grief that there is nothing to fear in loosing someone I
love, nothing to worry about because I will hold them in my memories and in my stories for all
the rest of my life. I
see such hope for the future, I enjoy such distractions of butterflies landing on my freshly potted flowers! (These flowers are for my Mother-in-law Teresa who turned 50 this week, whose love and friendship has helped me through so many struggling times in the last decade. I am going to be alright with so many wonderful people like her in my life!)
There is such amazing magic of getting to be apart of it all, this thing called LIFE! In death we loose, we cry and we are forced to say goodbye......such pain becomes apart of the joy in living. And I am grateful for every single second of my breathing, for every single chore in every single day. At night I look to the moonlit hazy sky above with such a wish in my heart for all those I love to know this truly deep joy in being. One day I will be forever gone, so for now I will send my blessings and my best wishes to the night sky and never be afraid to own my life's story and never stop celebrating such life all around me! This week has me house sitting in Caldwell once again and I love it, I like to sit back drinking a glass of wine on the high rise patio thinking about all the memories accumulating here. I can't get enough of time inside my head, reflecting with my heart and soul to all I see before me..... Now that I am older I don't have that restless fear in being all alone in this big house like I use to, oh about 12 years ago was the very first time I house sat and cared for the dogs....It was during that time when Benny came to sleep over and she would laugh at me as I crazily explained how afraid I suddenly was being left there on my own, she told me how safe the street was and how silly I was being but she didn't mind kicking back with movies and ice cream staying on each night with me. We had such a good time in our long talks about our futures and our failures. My fear back then was in how I was not understanding how to protect myself from those dark late nights looking out the window, double checking the doors letting my imagination run wild. Now I am not so jumpy, I feel smarter and wiser about what is really going on out there at night. I celebrate my life with such peace of mind....I like to think that maybe Benny could be here now looking over me in this familiar house, I find peace in such an idea and miss her greatly! There is this amazing gratefulness I feel in being alive and being on my own for awhile. Actually I am not alone with 4 dogs and a cat, there are close good neighbors whom I trust completely too. I feel just fine, it's been such a long time that I almost forgot how jumpy and worried I was back then in staying on my own here, even in my first apartment for those first few weeks I slept in my recliner with my broom stick and my phone by me after shedding a few fearful tears for I wasn't ready to be brave yet and I wasn't ready to grow up all alone but what I came to understand in time was how we are never ever alone, there will always be someone to call when you are in trouble or simply just scared. I can do so many more things on my own now as I grow older because I have a good strong list of great caring friends who will come instantly if called. I also have been empowered to face my life head on and use all I have learned to keep sharp. Life in celebration can not be feared, If my best friend Benny was alive today I would most defiantly ask her to come stay with me but only for one night of girlie movies and fun topics because I am just fine spending time within my own head, cuddling my dogs and reading my book on my own now..... Life itself is the fairy tale of joy and celebration that the sun rise or the starry sky shouldn't be feared, how funny now to remember when I house sat this place back then I couldn't sleep until Benny got off work bringing me a milkshake saying she has some new gossip to tell me and I would sigh in relief to see her walking up the front door steps on those dark nights when now I walk though this dear house all alone but not lonely.
It
was such a nice day to do my deep cleaning yesterday, where I wipe the
room down from top to bottom only to bump into an old card on the wall
in which I stopped to read for I had completely forgotten about this
almost 2 years ago as I pinned it to the wall Benny was visiting my new
place for the afternoon, she kept saying how magical that room was just
like me so I didn't think twice of showing off the card she gave
me.....My life was made so beautiful with a friend like her in it! I
will always miss her but yesterday as I stared on in surprise that I had
completely forgotten this card was here I felt such a rush of old
memories, I was in awe of seeing her speak to me again as though it was
just yesterday when we sat together in this big room surrounded by
boxes! Benny held out a frame of our old snap shots in a photo booth 10
years before asking "You kept these!?! I forgot all about that day, why
are our faces painted? Where were we again?" I giggled as I slide up
next to her looking through the same box of frames and photo albums "We
went to a festival downtown Nampa that day and did everything! It was so
much FUN....You don't remember?" She shrugged chuckling "I guess I
don't, but since you framed it must mean that you do! How did I get such
a good friend as you I wonder...." I smirked standing back up to finish
decorating the room "I am like a unicorn full of magic, ya can't stay
away from me for long!" I waved the card out at her as she burst out
laughing saying "I knew that card was PERFECT for you!"
When my beloved friend Tiffany gave me the card she said it made her think of me in it's sparkle, I loved it of course! It's been over the last couple of years that Tiffany and I reconnected in hanging out more with each other. Her amazing children are growing up so fast and I get to be lucky enough to see this, to know each of them so well. On the day Benny died I couldn't seem to calm down, I felt restless that evening as Tiffany took me on a walk into the foothills by her home looking down at the valley below. She was my scattered joy in that moment of deep sorrow for me, she chatted away about the world around us and the stories of people still living giving me such peace in knowing not all things have ended completely as I was feeling inside. I also sat deep in thought of my own ideas of how each friend plays a part in overall picture of our lives. That I would never be "friendless" because I choose to make new ones and keep old ones close at heart. I will never have another Benny Girl in my life again, but I will have joy, I will have love and I will have many more stories to share. It is just now a year later that I can see my sparkle coming back inside me again!
I laid on my back in the June sunshine, it was a perfect warm day last week Tiff sat beside me as we talked for awhile, Her picnic blanket was made of fabric squares of our past lifetime as young daydreaming high school girls. We are the same and very different all at once, those 20 years ago we sat in this very same way by the Boise river chatting away and sharing in each others life. I enjoyed our afternoon in the dark green shade of the trees and tall soft grass against our bare feet. Tiffany asked very thoughtfully "How have you been? I know you are missing Benny this month...." I replied with a chuckle "I'll always miss her, but it's coming up on almost a year ago now, so I feel like I am almost there when I can stop counting the days, weeks and months. Like maybe after the first anniversary of her death I will not pay such close attention to this healing time." Tiffany nodded back as I felt so grateful to be with her on that afternoon she shared "I hope I can be a helpful friend in your time of sadness and lost." I leaned my head against her shoulder as we both took in all the new summer nature around us I smiled explaining back "You will always be my beloved friend, Thank you so much for being there for me."
It is now June my favorite month of the WHOLE year! It will always and forever be my favorite month of course, sadly though last June my best friend died and now here I am a year older and forever changed. I wish on this refreshing beautiful morning that I could call her and ask if she wanted to meet for coffee in 20 minuets where we could knit side by side and gossip while giggling in our delight of summer time arriving <3 My life will always love JUNE, summer time here in Boise Idaho starts out in June with so many wonderful delights!
I just wish I could have my Benny girl by my side right now, instead I can feel my summertime sadness creating a bittersweet month ahead.......
(These flowers are for my Mother-in-law Teresa who turned 50 this week, whose love and friendship has helped me through so many struggling times in the last decade. I am going to be alright with so many wonderful people like her in my life!)
It
was such a nice day to do my deep cleaning yesterday, where I wipe the
room down from top to bottom only to bump into an old card on the wall
in which I stopped to read for I had completely forgotten about this
almost 2 years ago as I pinned it to the wall Benny was visiting my new
place for the afternoon, she kept saying how magical that room was just
like me so I didn't think twice of showing off the card she gave
me.....My life was made so beautiful with a friend like her in it! I
will always miss her but yesterday as I stared on in surprise that I had
completely forgotten this card was here I felt such a rush of old
memories, I was in awe of seeing her speak to me again as though it was
just yesterday when we sat together in this big room surrounded by
boxes! Benny held out a frame of our old snap shots in a photo booth 10
years before asking "You kept these!?! I forgot all about that day, why
are our faces painted? Where were we again?" I giggled as I slide up
next to her looking through the same box of frames and photo albums "We
went to a festival downtown Nampa that day and did everything! It was so
much FUN....You don't remember?" She shrugged chuckling "I guess I
don't, but since you framed it must mean that you do! How did I get such
a good friend as you I wonder...." I smirked standing back up to finish
decorating the room "I am like a unicorn full of magic, ya can't stay
away from me for long!" I waved the card out at her as she burst out
laughing saying "I knew that card was PERFECT for you!" 
