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Sunday, June 8, 2014

Scatter Joy

When my beloved friend Tiffany gave me the card she said it made her think of me in it's sparkle, I loved it of course! It's been over the last couple of years that Tiffany and I reconnected in hanging out more with each other. Her amazing children are growing up so fast and I get to be lucky enough to see this, to know each of them so well. On the day Benny died I couldn't seem to calm down, I felt restless that evening as Tiffany took me on a walk into the foothills by her home looking down at the valley below. She was my scattered joy in that moment of deep sorrow for me, she chatted away about the world around us and the stories of people still living giving me such peace in knowing not all things have ended completely as I was feeling inside. I also sat deep in thought of my own ideas of how each friend plays a part in overall picture of our lives. That I would never be "friendless" because I choose to make new ones and keep old ones close at heart. I will never have another Benny Girl in my life again, but I will have joy, I will have love and I will have many more stories to share. It is just now a year later that I can see my sparkle coming back inside me again!

I laid on my back in the June sunshine, it was a perfect warm day last week Tiff sat beside me as we talked for awhile, Her picnic blanket was made of fabric squares of our past lifetime as young daydreaming high school girls. We are the same and very different all at once, those 20 years ago we sat in this very same way by the Boise river chatting away and sharing in each others life. I enjoyed our afternoon in the dark green shade of the trees and tall soft grass against our bare feet. Tiffany asked very thoughtfully "How have you been? I know you are missing Benny this month...." I replied with a chuckle "I'll always miss her, but it's coming up on almost a year ago now, so I feel like I am almost there when I can stop counting the days, weeks and months. Like maybe after the first anniversary of her death I will not pay such close attention to this healing time." Tiffany nodded back as I felt so grateful to be with her on that afternoon she shared "I hope I can be a helpful friend in your time of sadness and lost." I leaned my head against her shoulder as we both took in all the new summer nature around us I smiled explaining back 
"You will always be my beloved friend, Thank you so much for being there for me."

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