The desire for freedom came to me when I was very young, when I realized my parents didn't have my best interest at heart, kids can sense when they are not wanted, or not respected. When everyone around them is living in chaos or the fear of failing....as my parents put a ton of rules on me and they tried to hide their home life struggles from everyone else, I was a honest blunt child who thought we shouldn't hide from our mistakes especially if God already knew about everything bad we have done.
I was desiring any peace I could find away from my parents and my family, I climbed up into trees or sat on the roof of the old chicken coop wishing to be free from all this painful struggle in obeying my undeceive emotionally charged parents.
I always liked that my parents had personality and lots of energy, bursting out in their passion to declare what was right and what was wrong so strongly with no fear of judgement from others, I did notice some of my friends had parents that never reacted to events that quickly so I admired my Mom and my Dad as I grew up while also realizing I needed my space away from them in order to feel calm again.
My parents were also never happy for very long in one church or another, in my first 10 years alive we moved through churches and saw so many different kinds of systems in Christianity, some scary and creepy, some were boring and long, but every so often there was a church full of entertainment and excitement that had me watching everything on stage like a Broadway show!
I did like the tiny old churches with people in their farming clothes and talking in a laid back way about who God was to them.....one church was so small that I had to sit on my mother's lap the whole time and we never went back.
Life with parents like mine was never boring, an Aries married to a Libra makes far more sense to me now as to why they were always feeding the passion or the anger towards each other.
My desire for freedom started long before I really understood what I was feeling.......trapped and depressed? Tired and worried? Afraid of conflict or Afraid of yelling? I was always worried about what I would say next as a teenager, my mother noticed my change from bluntly saying in all honesty what I was thinking or feeling to my silent nod or agreeable cheerful chattering in hope to abide and be trusted. If my parents trusted me then they left me alone, I was able to find my own peace of mind when they felt like leaving me on my own. If I gave them any protest, any talking back or being disagreeable to them then they would peach for hours and stalk my every move in strong judgement and their need to control me. I learned quickly to bite my tongue and find my own peaceful place.
Freedom was the best taste of hope and love for my life force as an Aquarius, I was simply by birth under the stars that God created and set up to cycle through born to be free!
I remember my first day of FREEDOM with joy and delight, always will I remember it!
Celebrating God was my true joy back then growing up in a christian religion full of judgement and rules, it gave me peace to pray and ask for God's guidance all the time in my walks on my own through the orchard trees and farmland. I found joy in the dirt, in the wide open sky full of wonders up there that God was always there for me! and now years later I STILL celebrate the Universe in much the same ways!.........finding my own freedom gave me this hope always and every single day of my life!
Therefore I LOVE living here on this Earth even more now that I have my own freedom in my own hands at any time I need it.....
Remembering back to when I was 18 years old I was deeply focused on my church. For it was something I planned ahead for each week to never miss out on, It was my social network at that time actually. These were the days before facebook and online chat rooms, As a teenager growing up I would cried so much in disappointment if I was sick on Sundays lost in my misery because it would be another 7 days before I saw any of my beloved friends again....
Since church was my only social group, my parents trusted me to be on my own there and I found such comfort hidden away in quiet classrooms where I would sit and color or chat with a friend, we would cry and pray for the issues we had to face that week but I was free to just be me in that place and time. I often look back as I grew up I saw the hypocrisy in everything from the bible, to the church and then to my own parents.....the shock of how things really are often can still surprise me even nowadays!
I created my own sense of self-love and self-worth long before my parents ever realized so when they would panic over my behavior of "Take me as I am." they would try all kinds of guilt trips, manipulations and mind games to get me to charge or to obey them even by the time I was 22 years old determined to move out on my very own, that was the first home of pure freedom I loved and cherished in full gratefulness as I tired to get a handle of my raging anger of understanding God isn't found in the bible or in a church building, God is by far bigger if maybe not even real to begin with! The higher power we give the unknown skyline, to blame or to use against each other is not freedom, it's slavery. Religion is a system of mind control that can be use to do good or to do bad simply by the person who is in charge making those judgement calls.
God is entirely free from the old pages of any book out there, if we desire to know more we will learn as we grow, we will find ourselves among all the unanswered questions and that very important gut instinct in ALL of us to accept what we can not change while realizing for the future we can!
I burst out crying one Sunday after church as parents were so upset and declared that they were not going back to that place anymore I snapped back at them in my protest "I AM STAYING." It was my longest church stay in my whole life, I felt attached to it like a family member, I was 18 years old knowing now that I was driving I could take myself to church without them, so I stood up and explained "I love that place and I love those people. I will not leave it."
My mother snapped back at me "SO, You love your "church family" more then your REAL family??? See! this is why it's a horrible place! They are turning you against us!" I fought back "How can "they" do that? I'm not so easily tricked into ANYTHING, and I can see you guys any time everyday but I can not see my friends at church until Sundays usually, so I am NOT leaving! I am apart of a community with responsibilities to serve God there." I felt strong in who I was, but the looks of judgement and frowns were something I always got from my parents so I stood my ground on this event, knowing they'll always look at me in this way but I can't imagine starting over in a new church!
My parents sent me away to come back later on after we all prayed about this when they saw me return to them not changed in my protest, instead I simply said to them "If I can't go back to MY church, I don't want to go anywhere at all....if Grandpa can stay home on Sundays then I can too." My father sighed and shook his head like I was being silly again so he shrugged and they allowed me to attend my same church of those last 11 years of my life! I was praising God, I was dancing for joy and delight! I was given the best gift in freedom I could ever imagine! I didn't have to leave all my friends after all!
My first Sunday of freedom I drove to Church and sat with my beloved friend Tiffany, she leaned over at me with such a big smile and a smirk "I bet you feel so relaxed and FREE!.....your parents are so weird but you already know this, I have never seen you smile and laugh so much before!?!" I giggled and nodded happily enjoying my own seat and my own hymnal in my young hands and I sang out for joy in the glory of God who granted me such freedom! In those safe walls I felt my whole life opening up the beauty of the earth! I looked forward to my own space and time every Sunday morning, my freedom was growing and I had never been so happy! Tiffany walked around arm in arm with me after my first Sunday at church with my family going to a different church somewhere she said very thoughtfully and calmly to me "You have always been a happy soul but THIS...this is the REAL Debby I see before me, not afraid to share her thoughts or enjoy a good long laugh anymore! I'm so proud of you, so happy for you!" I leaned into her shoulder more bumping our heads together smiling saying back joyfully "It's my greatest FREEDOM of all!" She sprung up quoting one of our favorite movies "Little Women" "Then go! and embrace your freedom and see what wonderful things become of it!" and I laughed out loud without glancing around to see if my father was frowning at me like usual, I laughed without worrying that my mother would say "YOU needed to be more "lady like".."
................instead on that sunny afternoon along the wide open field next to our church we walked, we talked and we laughed so much! For I was free............
I was desiring any peace I could find away from my parents and my family, I climbed up into trees or sat on the roof of the old chicken coop wishing to be free from all this painful struggle in obeying my undeceive emotionally charged parents.
I always liked that my parents had personality and lots of energy, bursting out in their passion to declare what was right and what was wrong so strongly with no fear of judgement from others, I did notice some of my friends had parents that never reacted to events that quickly so I admired my Mom and my Dad as I grew up while also realizing I needed my space away from them in order to feel calm again.
My parents were also never happy for very long in one church or another, in my first 10 years alive we moved through churches and saw so many different kinds of systems in Christianity, some scary and creepy, some were boring and long, but every so often there was a church full of entertainment and excitement that had me watching everything on stage like a Broadway show!
I did like the tiny old churches with people in their farming clothes and talking in a laid back way about who God was to them.....one church was so small that I had to sit on my mother's lap the whole time and we never went back.
Life with parents like mine was never boring, an Aries married to a Libra makes far more sense to me now as to why they were always feeding the passion or the anger towards each other.
My desire for freedom started long before I really understood what I was feeling.......trapped and depressed? Tired and worried? Afraid of conflict or Afraid of yelling? I was always worried about what I would say next as a teenager, my mother noticed my change from bluntly saying in all honesty what I was thinking or feeling to my silent nod or agreeable cheerful chattering in hope to abide and be trusted. If my parents trusted me then they left me alone, I was able to find my own peace of mind when they felt like leaving me on my own. If I gave them any protest, any talking back or being disagreeable to them then they would peach for hours and stalk my every move in strong judgement and their need to control me. I learned quickly to bite my tongue and find my own peaceful place.
Freedom was the best taste of hope and love for my life force as an Aquarius, I was simply by birth under the stars that God created and set up to cycle through born to be free!
I remember my first day of FREEDOM with joy and delight, always will I remember it!
Celebrating God was my true joy back then growing up in a christian religion full of judgement and rules, it gave me peace to pray and ask for God's guidance all the time in my walks on my own through the orchard trees and farmland. I found joy in the dirt, in the wide open sky full of wonders up there that God was always there for me! and now years later I STILL celebrate the Universe in much the same ways!.........finding my own freedom gave me this hope always and every single day of my life!
Therefore I LOVE living here on this Earth even more now that I have my own freedom in my own hands at any time I need it.....
Remembering back to when I was 18 years old I was deeply focused on my church. For it was something I planned ahead for each week to never miss out on, It was my social network at that time actually. These were the days before facebook and online chat rooms, As a teenager growing up I would cried so much in disappointment if I was sick on Sundays lost in my misery because it would be another 7 days before I saw any of my beloved friends again....
Since church was my only social group, my parents trusted me to be on my own there and I found such comfort hidden away in quiet classrooms where I would sit and color or chat with a friend, we would cry and pray for the issues we had to face that week but I was free to just be me in that place and time. I often look back as I grew up I saw the hypocrisy in everything from the bible, to the church and then to my own parents.....the shock of how things really are often can still surprise me even nowadays!
I created my own sense of self-love and self-worth long before my parents ever realized so when they would panic over my behavior of "Take me as I am." they would try all kinds of guilt trips, manipulations and mind games to get me to charge or to obey them even by the time I was 22 years old determined to move out on my very own, that was the first home of pure freedom I loved and cherished in full gratefulness as I tired to get a handle of my raging anger of understanding God isn't found in the bible or in a church building, God is by far bigger if maybe not even real to begin with! The higher power we give the unknown skyline, to blame or to use against each other is not freedom, it's slavery. Religion is a system of mind control that can be use to do good or to do bad simply by the person who is in charge making those judgement calls.
God is entirely free from the old pages of any book out there, if we desire to know more we will learn as we grow, we will find ourselves among all the unanswered questions and that very important gut instinct in ALL of us to accept what we can not change while realizing for the future we can!
I burst out crying one Sunday after church as parents were so upset and declared that they were not going back to that place anymore I snapped back at them in my protest "I AM STAYING." It was my longest church stay in my whole life, I felt attached to it like a family member, I was 18 years old knowing now that I was driving I could take myself to church without them, so I stood up and explained "I love that place and I love those people. I will not leave it."
My mother snapped back at me "SO, You love your "church family" more then your REAL family??? See! this is why it's a horrible place! They are turning you against us!" I fought back "How can "they" do that? I'm not so easily tricked into ANYTHING, and I can see you guys any time everyday but I can not see my friends at church until Sundays usually, so I am NOT leaving! I am apart of a community with responsibilities to serve God there." I felt strong in who I was, but the looks of judgement and frowns were something I always got from my parents so I stood my ground on this event, knowing they'll always look at me in this way but I can't imagine starting over in a new church!
My parents sent me away to come back later on after we all prayed about this when they saw me return to them not changed in my protest, instead I simply said to them "If I can't go back to MY church, I don't want to go anywhere at all....if Grandpa can stay home on Sundays then I can too." My father sighed and shook his head like I was being silly again so he shrugged and they allowed me to attend my same church of those last 11 years of my life! I was praising God, I was dancing for joy and delight! I was given the best gift in freedom I could ever imagine! I didn't have to leave all my friends after all!
My first Sunday of freedom I drove to Church and sat with my beloved friend Tiffany, she leaned over at me with such a big smile and a smirk "I bet you feel so relaxed and FREE!.....your parents are so weird but you already know this, I have never seen you smile and laugh so much before!?!" I giggled and nodded happily enjoying my own seat and my own hymnal in my young hands and I sang out for joy in the glory of God who granted me such freedom! In those safe walls I felt my whole life opening up the beauty of the earth! I looked forward to my own space and time every Sunday morning, my freedom was growing and I had never been so happy! Tiffany walked around arm in arm with me after my first Sunday at church with my family going to a different church somewhere she said very thoughtfully and calmly to me "You have always been a happy soul but THIS...this is the REAL Debby I see before me, not afraid to share her thoughts or enjoy a good long laugh anymore! I'm so proud of you, so happy for you!" I leaned into her shoulder more bumping our heads together smiling saying back joyfully "It's my greatest FREEDOM of all!" She sprung up quoting one of our favorite movies "Little Women" "Then go! and embrace your freedom and see what wonderful things become of it!" and I laughed out loud without glancing around to see if my father was frowning at me like usual, I laughed without worrying that my mother would say "YOU needed to be more "lady like".."
................instead on that sunny afternoon along the wide open field next to our church we walked, we talked and we laughed so much! For I was free............
