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Sunday, March 13, 2016

How I learned

It's hard to describe the word "Home schooling." because each set of parents raise their children differently, likewise the education they give those kids is also very different....
I don't always like sharing I was Home schooled, in fact I NEVER told anyone in my early 20''s unless I could trust them to not judge me. It took years and years for me to stop avoiding the truth in how my educational system had gone.....there was not a real system by the standards of everyone else around me so I was very insecure about it. 
That is the ironic sad truth I have now faced in my late 30's, in what my mother thought was her protecting me actually hurt me the most by being so isolated at home. 
I didn't have the kind of skills to help me succeed in a job as grown up I noticed.
So I had to teach myself by being around many other different people who I asked for help and they would shared with me the way the real world works. 

It's easy to now look back and see everything good and everything bad about being so dramatically sheltered like I was.
I was home schooled. How hard that was to say for me when applying for a new job over the years...just the other day I was asked about my past education and I felt very calm even at peace with it as I bravely, confidently explained.
I guess I was like that guy, Brandon Fraser from the movie "A Blast from the Past." THAT was truly like me in my first step out on my own, so when I saw that film in the theater I laughed till tears rolled down my cheeks because it hit home for me and I knew without a doubt...I will never fit in, not really, not ever.
I just had to okay with who I am, not hide or try to be someone else.
I can often find people who like and accept me but I can't BE like them....they will often enjoy teasing me or listening in awe to me or discounting my opinion with a "Well you are different." and I don't get upset, I don't feel bad about not being exactly like those around me, I simply laugh or smile because I know they are all so exactly correct. They were raised in a better educational system then I was, I admire all the different personalities, different points of views and thrive on discussing and debating because I'm learning as I go too!
Whenever I was judged for being home schooled I would freak out inside and change my behavior outwardly in hopes to NOT be noticed as an odd ball person especially when I was 20 years old that was a rough year for me.....
Because I began to deal with my pasted education. (or "Lack there of." as my husband often reminds me).......
I remember a very important time in my life, for my personal growth was when my 22 years old sand I had a job as a produce manager loving every detail of it yet also realizing the only way I will be good at this job is if I teach myself about how everything is eaten or cooked in order to be able to sell my department everyday, then the realization that I was lacking in mathematics, grammar and basic history hit me hard one afternoon as I counted back change to a customer who asked in surprise "Where did you learn to do THAT?" I smiled explaining how my most beloved job was at a fruit stand with an old cash register. 
It was a moment for me that "Ah-HA!" event as I walked back into my office realizing it was up to ME now living on my own and running my own department, it all came down to how I needed to keep challenging myself, I started teaching myself numbers and budgets, I read a popular novel every week from the Oprah's book Club, and start using "spell check" on my computer because if I am STILL poorly educated by the age of 30 then that is now on me and not my parents......
I stopped thinking out of fear and confusion, I stopped blaming my past or my parents for my struggling to survive and began to say "This is my life, This is my body, I have to live with myself in the end......So what am I going to learn about TODAY?"

     We don't get to say who our parents are or where we will live, we don't get to say how we want to learn or how we want to spend our days for as children we are followers and if we are raised to have a voice then we are empowered but if we are raised to be seen and not heard then we will develop ways to hide....we usually abide for a time under the rulers of our home, like a shadow seeking the sun light. 
I understand now that everything in education that was forgotten or lacking greatly wasn't my fault until I turned 18 then as my sister had me reminded me on that birthday for me "WHY in God's name are you STILL here!?!? if I was 18 I would be GONE." I simply cried in my reply saying "Gone to where? I don't know how to get a job, I don't know how to read very well? Why would I leave home when the world is a scary evil place?" She rolled her eyes at me of course and I began to ask myself what am I really afraid of if I had real faith in God above all else, I should be so afraid to grow up??? 
Those growing years were made harder on me simply by not having those educational tools to help me deal with my fast appoarching adulthood.
I look back I'm grateful to so many different people for my actual real education. I found a friend who loved Biology, a friend who loved Geometry and a friend who edited all my short stories in my quest to be educated growing up I asked many questions from many different people....I am grateful today and for the rest of my life to never stop asking others for advice and conversation! I hope to never stop learning.

I will always remember being 18 and getting my first job at a gift shop,
I was so overwhelmed in fear of the unknown like what if I can't spell out what they ask of me? What if I can't count fast enough or I get the money all messed up??? It was those first thoughts that I learned to be brave and figure it out as I go.

I like looking back in my life to those learning moments so vital to how I react to this world. Now I can connect the dots and get better information for my education, I have such joy in who I am from where I came from, most importantly I have HOPE, because when I see these gray hairs popping up around my ears I smile to myself thinking "It's just another life lesson waiting up ahead for me! Onward to being even more aware and knowledgeable then ever before! and I honestly can't wait!"

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