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Monday, March 7, 2016

How I was raised

  • Criticism – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage because they forgot, but because they’re a bad person.
  • Contempt“…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
  • Defensiveness“…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”
  • Stonewalling – Tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship.
Whenever I see my mother I am taken back in time to my past and where I came from. It's such a good thing for me to keep growing and remembering how I am because of my past.....

I have learned over the years of my life how I was raised isn't how everyone else was raised, this gives me a sense of being in my own self, many questions as to why? or what was really going on when I grew up? Why am I triggered by some things to react in fear or anger?
My mother has answered these questions for me since her stroke in a real open honest way, I am impressed that she can be this real with me in a way she never was before her stroke.
In fact she shared just the other day while I was giving her a shower that when I was little and got mad she would tickle me in hopes to change my attitude, one time I said back at her "No Tickles!" catching on to her antics for getting me out of my pouting mood. I liked that story it made me laugh as we got ready to go shopping...

My mother has given me so much since her stroke in stories, in facts about relationships and in why it all was the way it was when I watched on in confusion or in terror, with all that crazy chaos constantly coming at me while I grew up the whole story was never revealed to me so I reacted on emotions or in faith that God wasn't as scary as I was taught.....

The behaviors listed above were commonly used by all of us in my family while I grew up, now that I can look back I can see why I like to studying people. Why I like to share everything I am learning or feeling because I think hiding the truth ruins the chances for true peace and love.

When I said yes to taking my mother last summer to Cascade I knew exactly how it would all go, I was looking forward to seeing the mountain side while strolling her along the sidewalk or sitting on a coffee shop patio. If she is comfortable then she would sit awhile talking with me, but if she isn't comfortable then we were not staying there long.
The road trip was fun in the beautiful summer sunshine my mom began to talk about how perfect she use to be, a common conversation that I know because she is paralyzed now makes her romanticize her past. 
Where as I find myself grateful to never go back to those days being a helpless constantly afraid child.
   I will just smile now whenever Mom would say "I was perfect, healthy and happy back then. I don't know why I had a stroke...." In our road trip up to Cascade last summer my husband came with me to help as she said this line again he commented back "Because you weren't really as healthy as ya thought."  
I would giggle awkwardly because the history between my husband and my mother has never been resolved in facing our past history, I realized on that trip everything I have worked through and forgave her for, doesn't mean my husband is in the same place as me...
He has his own issues to discuss with my mom, he use that road trip to really talk. I noticed the strain in their conversations as I listened while I drove on, I realized they were working things out between themselves so I stayed quiet awhile. 
My mother seems to really likes my husband now, but he needs closure over how he was treated by her back when we first met, dated and married without her blessing with all that drama. I see it as a great story for my freedom, of my tested inner strength to be sure of who I am. But my husband has questions of his own.
My mother instantly react to his questions in the very 4 steps above and I knew this was a good time to all be together talking out the past, but I had to chuckle to myself because I knew how that road trip didn't bond my husband to my mother like he wanted, he asked me after we got her back home "How can you care so good and loving for your mother when she hurt you so much?" I replied "Because I choose forgiveness, I don't have all the answers as to why they behaved like they all did back then...but I do know she isn't the same person now after her stroke, and maybe I was just born older." He chuckled shaking his head explaining "I couldn't do what you do for her all the time, I couldn't be blatantly disrespected by your father like just now.... yet you keep being kind to them no matter what!?!?!" I sighed nodding in understanding grateful to be heading home. I explained "I will never ever treat my parents like they treated me growing up, never. Therefore I see my pathway clearly when doing things for them, it's called grace and my love can maybe give them a good day in their lives.......ya never really know." My husband rubbed his forehead in bewilderment, "You amaze me! if I had been raised like you were I would never go back, so as much as I am trying to understand it all I can see you have insight on this that I don' are truly amazing!" I smiled back "I think how I was raised taught me how I never want to be like that to someone else....."

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