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Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Living Backwards

I have seen my life flash backwards every time I face a trauma.

I have seen my own face in the mirror every time I remember I looked slightly different while growing up.
I have seen my time stand still, my realization of close calls with death only to have it all flash before my mind.
I have seen my understanding of the world change many times, the first big event is when I saw the stars under the midnight sky while crying in my car all alone feeling like a failure in debt out on my own. I was suddenly struck by the fact God isn't anything like I had been told and I wasn't a slave to system of society. My whole world view changed and I was made wiser and stronger for it! I was simply, truly free!

I have seen my communities change over time.
I have seen my landscapes move on.
I have seen my awareness grow deeper into standing up against the things I don't like in life.
I have seen my memories teach me something bigger then just the story I know.

I have seen my brother Derek in my dreams and we never can speak to each other, I was sitting beside him over a campfire that we actually had done back in the day while camping with our Mother and little brothers. I said out loud "I need to warn him now! I need to tell him how he will died! Maybe we can stop it from happening!?!?" Everyone sat there around the camp fire as if they never heard me and a reply a voice I hadn't heard before said "That is against the rules. You can't cheat like that."
I woke up with a start of such real fear, realizing that I had seen my life living backwards.

I have seen my life story change so much, I have seen my plans for the future go right out the window.
I have seen my family grow close or grow apart, I have seen new lives born and old lives die. I have seen my own age add up quickly to this very day.....

I have seen such magical moments, known such unconditional love and was gifted true grace!
I have seen that by looking back through time I create a better peace for my mind.

I have seen my brother Derek here and there in little or big ways as living forward has me looking back again to his waving at me from across the lake.....

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