I stood there in a painful fog not sure how to reply to her then she asked "Why do you keep bumping into things?" I chuckled and explained that I am not myself today.
In fact I will never be myself again.
I will never be Tony's partner like I had for 20 years. I had a hard time staying present with my mother in our shopping afternoon.
I couldn't find the words to explain any of this to her, she was delighted over getting out and about. I realized how painful it was all going to be when Tony leaves me and then I'll break the news to her and my father.
I felt deeply exhausted after caring for my mother and getting her settled back home again, so I went to find my brothers. I was carrying it all on my own, not sharing and not sure what to do next. My husband was with another woman, my husband was with another woman.....
When my brother Doug gave me a big greeting hug I felt a rush of pain and panic over come me.
I broke out into deep sobbing, I cried out "I'm not going to make it another 40 years!"
My heavy broken heart simply let go in that moment of realizing I can't do this all alone.
My outburst was so powerful, so unexpected even to myself as my other brother Davey came running asking "What's happened Sis?"
I gasped for air and realized I couldn't explain it, it hurt so much. I looked at my worried brothers realizing that I needed their support, their friendship and their protection.
I explained to their worried looks "I am facing the battle of my life time right now, and I am not sure I am going to make it through. Can you be there for me my brothers?" They nodded in agreement and came together for a group hug as I calmed back down.
I use to say "If God knocked on my front door I would let him in."
On the day my husband said that he doesn't want to be married anymore I fell apart.
I spiraled out of control, I battled restless nights of no sleep while he was off with his new girlfriend in a nice hotel not far from our home.
I cried so much.
I called out for my husband but he wasn't there in our wide open home, I never thought it was possible to not have him be there in my life. I slid to the kitchen floor screaming out "Help me! Please God help me!"
I was in pure shock.
My husband explained after he was refreshed, that he had not been happy with me for the last 8 years. That ever since my mother's stroke I wasn't the person he had married.
I was stunned.
I thought maybe I could fix our marriage, that I could fight for him and we would stay together for the greater good.
In the moonlight, in the soft cool grass of my big backyard surrounded in gardens and fruit trees I fell into the earth, the soft dark ground sobbing out all my pain, letting out my fear.
For I was loosing my husband, I was seeing evilness creep into my home and it was clearly destroying everything that was once good. I looked up into the wide open sky realizing I was all alone.
Under the stars I prayed, I begged God to help me.
In that moment I surrendered everything to the Lord, I was done trying to live life on my own terms. I prayed so sincerely, so gratefully and I left my old sense of self there in the bushy grass. I began feeling a new strength in me after I had prayed so much. I felt a warm glowing light in coming back to life as I pulled myself back up to my feet, I held my hands up towards the sky and I praised God for his salvation. In all my heart break, in all my crushing pain of being rejected by my husband, of seeing my home crumble, I prayed.
I prayed for help, for guidance and for a battle plan to win back my marriage. I knew in this moment I was fighting to save my husband. I understood that God didn't want me to just give up, to just lay down and cry.
I was overwhelmed with clarity in getting my house in order, in standing up for what was right. I was realizing I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I wasn't alone after all.
My parents listened to me explain all of this in the next morning, as I shared with them how I had found God. How I was deeply sorry for hurting them and that I was trying to save my marriage.
My Mother reached for my hand saying "You fight! And tell Tony he needs Jesus too." I chuckled as tears rolled down my cheeks.
My father, who had been on edge with me at first, realized what I was sharing was very serious.
He hugged me saying "Good Luck Baby girl."
I left them feeling empowered, I felt strong, I felt like I was apart of the winning side of this battle. It was a great start to the day ahead in facing my husband.
I kept saying to myself "The Lord is my light, the lord is the stronghold of my life.....of whom shall I be afraid."
I had to face the battle of my life time. I wanted to help my husband and keep our home safe. I was readying for battle against another woman who I had misjudged in being my friend. I was ready to fight for my man, in holding strong to all the good in our last 20 years together. I felt like a warrior, I wanted to shine for the goodness of God!
.....And the battle was brutal, all the choices my husband made ruined everything. He destroyed our love, our home and our pets lives forever......when it was all over nothing was left.
I fought for him in every way with such unconditional love and grace that seemed so lost in all the craziness he created.
During those long scary nights while he was away with his girlfriend, I spent my time fasting and praying. I truly believed that I could win because I had God's help through it all.
And yet the battle was terrifying, with good verse evil, I battled to save my family, to save my home. I gave it my all!
My whole world ended.
I woke up in the hospital to a nurse saying "You need to call your Father back." and suddenly I was scrambling awake to find a phone, in hearing my Dad's voice say "This is Del." I cried "Daddy, I don't know where I am."
He choked back "I'm coming Honey, I will be there as soon as I can."
As I wandered the hallway in my praying, in my confusion, I thought about how I had lost everything.
At the first sight of my father coming through those hospital doors, I ran!
I ran into my father's arms sobbing over the fact that I was never going to be the same.
In my first 40 years I lived through traumas and tragedies. I had moments that taught me big important life lessons.
I've enjoyed sharing this blog about it all.
My life was made enjoyable in writing, in memories, in music and in being able to capture such a time in all these postings.
I am not that person anymore.
I am not going to be the wife of Anthony Shively.
Our love story ended tragically, Our shared life was not forever as I had thought it would be. I realize now that God is the only thing that will be forever. He's love and grace will help me heal from all of this.
In my next 40 years I will be rebuilding my life,
I will be trusting, honoring, and serving God. I have never known such joy!
For He knocked at the door of my heart and I let him in.....
The glory I see in this world comes from the love that God has for us and the saving grace of Jesus.
I am in pure awe over my journey.
I was lost, but now I am found.
"But Friends, that's exactly who we are; children of God.
and that's only the beginning. Who knows how we'll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we'll see him. All of us who look forward to his coming stay ready, with glistening purity of Jesus' life as a model for our own."
1 John 3:2
May God's Love be with you always.
