Living life is like being in the dark, Yet I know my soul is light. Living life is like a TV show unfolding that you can look back on in memory and see such powerful amazing things! Living life is like a roller coaster of stable schedules then crazy sad events then stable schedules again. and each new day starts first with being in the dark. Living life is like trying to see the whole world through a tiny window. Living life is bittersweet and while we face each day the dark early mornings bring us into the light of a better understanding. Living is the most important part of the whole cycling stories. Living with such a heavy heart right now has me trying to keep on the hidden path.
Sometimes I just want to scream into the face of the universe. I am worrying for my friends whose little baby boy has been struggling since he was born to make it in this crazy world and last night he went back into the hospital. It has been a yo, yo, of healing times being home then suddenly back at the hospital again. He has such a loving supportive family and he has such great devoted loving parents at his side for all time! I am struggling with the way I thought it would all go in having him born with celebration and great times ahead, he was born 3 months early and spent 99 days in the NICU. So we have all adapted the way in which we think of how he will be, in my being I hurt for them all, it's not fair that such good people have to suffer like this. I am realizing all of life is a give and take, no matter how I want to write this story I am not the author. I am not in charge in always creating a happy ending or a good memory.....yet that is my best self when I can capture the great perfections out of so much struggle, being humble or deflated isn't a failure, it's a way of life through all these fears or worries. I am glad we sat together around the fire pit on memorial day as we are all worn out in the survival struggle of such an adorable contented still healing baby boy in the stroller beside us. He's back in the hospital now so I feel helpless in what he's going through right now... Sometimes I just want to say "That's it, I have no fucking idea what to do next! I have no words for this! Goddamn it!
I like going to movies every once in awhile on a cozy rainy afternoon. when my house is all nice and clean, when all my pets are just napping and dinner awaits for later on.
I like going out into the world to see society moving around, to notice cute shops or cozy coffee places as kids play. I think we easily forget we are all apart of the same world when we get focused on our tasks list or scheduled events. I feel like going to a movie breaks up the focus of getting projects done. I like getting all my projects done and feeling complete. I like cooking up foods and opening windows for refresh air every single morning as I drink my coffee to wake up and realize this is a great day to do something fun for a change. I was happy to see at the movie theater in the village not far from my home that they sold coffee to take in and sit through the movie. The rain was coming down when I decided to go watch "Glass." and my warm breve coffee was perfect to how cold and bundle up I felt. I go to a movie by myself all the time, it's actually my favorite way to watch a movie. If my husband comes with me I am impressed and then reminded he doesn't like it at all. I go with people when they ask me most of the time yet it's usually not a movie I would of chosen just seeing them was my purpose for attending. I go to the movies even when I invite friends and they can't make it, I still follow through on that event. I also like taking my mom to the movies for our afternoon out together instead of shopping so much. She has been thinking movies are way to long to sit still though and she really hates musicals anymore....so I think as I go to the movies, to the wide open theater of a huge screen and high volume that I am completely joyful and happy to watch a movie entirely on my own. I liked "Unbreakable." when I first saw it in a crowded theater, then I watched "Glass." in an empty theater thinking "Look at how time has changed everything." I liked being the only one in there watching a superhero movie of profound issues and simple fact I feel so strongly in my very bones "We grow old." I liked laughing out loud when I thought the movie was funny. I liked squealing when I was startled. I am the exact audience the story teller/movie director is looking for! I respond in the moment of emotion without fear of looking lame, without fear of being judged. Being a human being means we have emotional reactions to what we are seeing unfold all around us, we have super powers that I believe come from our feelings.
I felt the profound impact on my heart as I heard "I was not a mistake." I felt like Mother Universe is conveying to me that both good and bad things deepen the truth. I felt as if I were born at such a time that needs superheroes more now then ever before! So step up to be the best person you can ever imagine in being and stay in the light!
My life long friend Tiffany recommended this song and I was instantly connected to it. She and I have talked for years about our childhood in Christianity. I have shared about how she never shy's away from the deep conversations, for we both are wanting to find deep meaning in the story of humanity. My life sure has been made better because of her friendship. Even this past week Bekah shared that Tiffany was the driving force of us girls being together, for she drew us together in the first place. My heart was broken when my brother Derek died and she was my neighbor on that tragic day, I swung by her home in my panicking tears as her daughters hugged me while she was gone and they said how deeply sorry they were, they hugged me both at the same time as I cried saying that I am so overwhelmed, I am still in shock! They sent me off with so much encouragement that I felt instantly stronger for having seen them, Abby and Tally have their mother's big heart for loving life! The next day Tiffany sat with me over coffee and I completely lost it all. She was the light in that dark day! Hugging Bekah this week had me in sweet happy tears. As it was a perfect moment for being reunited, to see Tiffany and her talking like old times my heart was bursting with such deep rich joy! For I remember when we girls, when we were the light in the darkness of our past, we are made better today for our shared love and support that we always gave each other! That sweet morning lit up my whole life once again and I loved remembering our shared childhood adventures all together! I am light.
I shared with my friends that it is with grace we can accept our past with a proud smile, with that understanding nod. It's a wonderful feeling to see grace for yourself. If my mother had another stroke I would know better in what is happening at the hospital and how I should behave in facing that kind of trauma. This doesn't mean how I handle the first time was wrong just very naive when I look back at it all being so chaotic. I sure did my very best and that makes me so very proud of myself even though I didn't realize others around me suffered differently. Grace is giving them all a helping hand in the ways they would appreciate better. If my car overheats I don't feel so shocked like I did when I was 18 years old and had no idea that a car needed oil. Grace is for myself to realize I am figuring it out every single day, and it's okay if I got it wrong at times too. I have been re-watching "Saving Grace." and I wish that I had a friend like Earl who would pop in for coffee just like that! I remember back when I first watched this show I loved how crazy and different it was from my own life. Lately I feel like it makes far more sense to me now....maybe because I am older? Grace is a kick ass woman, her dog is adorable and her friendships are very important to the story. ...also I really love this theme song that I can sing straight from memory whenever I take a road trip on my own. It's that feeling of empowered strength in being just as I am that makes me so full of grace for the road ahead! Because in grace all things are found.
Wednesday morning in this beautiful month of May in the spring season with everything growing and everything changing I happily and very excitedly went to the coffee shop in the early morning to see my life long friend once again, Rebekah or as I would call her through our high school years Bekah was back in Idaho. She was one of my 4 beloved friends that gave me such wings to fly as I was growing up! She gives me such joy and delight in our shared sisterhood of living life! She looked great and I was overwhelmed with how happy I was in hugging her! I sat there in true delight that Tiffany join us and we laughed so often, it was just like the old days only better because we are now deeply strong smart women. While we talked about growing up in a religion of black and white rules, of that constant struggle of right from wrong. It's always with us in everything we do through out our lives, seeing black and white when really everything is actually gray. In being there together again I felt so deeply grateful and joyful, long after I left the girls with tears in my eyes I felt myself smiling to myself as I went on through out my day...I was so excited to share in such a great early morning with them like old times! All of our stories, all of our connections in sharing how being an adult now we have all seen such gray areas in this world. The movie "The Grey." is one that came to my mind, for I deeply love those wolves even though they are hunting the surviving humans. This movie was inspiring to me in how gray it all truly is in living and surviving this life time. We carry our love, our grace and our gratefulness all through out our time on this earth. This movie was very powerful to me as I sat in theater thinking over how we are all connected to the gray. Our need to be in control creates the black and white judgments for us to trust our next step in surviving. I loved seeing my girls! I love that they were my friends when I was 12 years old and onward. I had prayed for life long friends back then all the time and now I can see very proudly that I am living in that answer of prayer! I am excited for our future as everyone is doing good and loving their life, I think we carry the peace in knowing we have each other's back in all things makes us hug and cheer each other on!
That morning sun shine was so beautiful as the scent of coffee brewing in the shop greeted the girls around the table when laughter burst out at the exact same time as if they were in the same mind, in the same sisterhood just like old times!
We drove out into the country side this weekend, into a old neighborhood that I liked right away set against the wide open landscape of Payette Idaho. I had spent the morning helping my mom to a bridal shower in the warm sunshine, watching horses move around the place of her life long friend. My mom looked so lovely all dressed up nicely as I had styled her hair and matched her jewelry to her lacy shirt. The joy of someone getting married is always a time of celebration! I was glad I could take the time to help my mother to the event, to the fun of attending a bridal brunch. Later on that evening I was happy to see old friends, thinking of how happy everyone is/was that evening. Time brings forward such stories of inspirations and successes in delighting over the simplest of things with shared good company. I think that in all things we can see the suffering and the survival in the world as change never leaves us the same. I can feel it in my soul that when times are good then celebrating fully will help me along the way of times in hardships. The yen and yang of the story of life often leaves me in awe over what I see before me. Coming home that evening the whole valley was a masterpiece of storms! I was in awe of how I hadn't been out driving that way for some time now. I use to ride along that very same stretch of freeway twice a week as a teenager working for an elderly couple who loved country side drives and eating at the Black Canon Truck Stop. As an adult I have learned to not forget I am driving as the wide open sky calls my name and my attention in real outstanding distraction as it was full of amazing storms heading right towards us! My husband cheerfully said "I feel like everyone is in a great place right now, that I am the best person I have ever been too!" I smiled back and nodded in agreement thinking that whenever we understand it is well with our soul just as we are in what we are doing we find a real peaceful value in our time on this earth. My attraction towards those storms was to just pull over and watch them unfold yet getting home was my focus of safety so I kept driving along the country side realizing my whole life has been lived in this landscape. I am hoping everyone has a happy ending to their life stories as I get to be a small part in it with them. I see those storms over the snake river, I see my past memories live along side my present moment of thoughts and actions as I am feeling a pull into the future. In my soul I feel lost and love all at the same time, I can see my mother missing the way she use to be and my husband thriving in the way he's hoped it would be. In my soul I am like those storms I saw and admired on our country side drive home, for I feel my soul being pushed across the land into the future as I swirl around in place. I have so much of my life to still enjoy and to capture, to chase the rain across the very land I know so well.....
