When I had finished last month's blog posts list of how I love, of how good life is well I began to think I need to bring myself back the "Real world", sometimes people think and tell me often that I live on a cloud of cotton candy when all I ever write about is LOVE....I do hate things, I do know what being miserable or grumpy can feel like. I have issues with annoying events or people too, I struggle with change or simply avoiding facing all the facts at times. Yet, I choose to dwell on love more then any other emotion out there because of it's pure beauty and empowering strength!
When I do imagine myself to be sitting on a cloud of cotton candy or chatting it up side by side to the beautiful sparkling little fairies as some people will tease me about, well then it is so very hard to ground myself once again in the so called "real world". These critics can remind me how to stay strong in the facts or the truth, but for me in my choice for a good imagination and escape into my own comfortable structure of writing about Love is far more easier then writing about hate!
To dislike something at random is just as easy as to make up a fairy tale story of love, so I choose love! If that leaves me flying high then I happily embrace it!
So now I know the number One thing I hate.......is hate itself!
James Altucher recently shared in his blog or podcast about when we are all fired up, when we are in that very moment of emotion how we should simply stop and be still.
Don't race off to write an email or a tweet, don't try to fix this situation until the reaction has passed.
I was captivated by this advice of his! Truly needing to face myself and think more about my need to prove that I can handle the things I hate and why.....
It all came back around to how when I hate I become so preachy, arrogant and annoying.
When I react to anything in full strong emotions then I turn into a very different person who wants to say she has all the answers.
I hate this about myself and will be mindful from now on. I hope to have the grace for my own self, with facing my hating defense and my preachy ways. In taking the advice to do nothing and let it pass then maybe I can begin to change my constant avoidance of who I am in all situations to be more grounded. I hate how I fight back unnecessarily over what I think is right or wrong for the whole world when really I still need to learn how to make my peace with the topic of "hate" in my own soul.....
One of my favorite lines from the famous movie "Braveheart" is when Robert the Bruce said to his scheming selfish father "My hate will die with you."
I agree in much the same way for the end of this month and the end of this list of mine..........
As a teenager I grew up with no privacy, I hate snooping because that is how my mother behaved all the time during those struggling growing years of my trapped life. I didn't know very much in what was wrong or "sinful" in the real world I just knew that drama unfolded if I wrote something mean about my mother in my journal or in my letters. In fact I grew sharp in this time of my life over ho to word the events unfolding around me without incriminating myself to my personal opinion.
Life back then was the hardest I have ever been through, this is why now as an adult I have NO desire to snoop on other people around me. I will take them at their word and trust them completely because if they lie to me then that is on them and NOT me. I don't need to know what people actually really think as well especially about me, because sometimes snooping out this information can be hurtful. It really depends on the whole of the issue or topic, if I need to change or be made aware of my behavior then I am grateful to those willing to be honest....but if I have to dig at them to respond then maybe I shouldn't snoop around any further to discover what is really going on......
Privacy is very important to me as an adult now, I can house sit for weeks never entering a door already closed, my husband will ask in bewilderment "What is in there?!" while I shrug not even questioning, "If they wanted me to know the door would be already open. So don't touch it." My husband falls back in asking me how could I live this way not asking why people they do what they do.....but I will always hate snooping on such a personal level from my memories and life lessons. I feel so oddly out of place if accidentally on my husband's laptop or logged in as him on anything! I do not want to know everything about his life unless he happily shares it with me, forcing someone to "Come clean" on their own interests or hobbies makes me feel exactly like my mother I don't like that kind of stress in needing to control others around me. When deep down these issues of privacy or when people chat about me is not important to me in discovering what they say. I am as I am in this beautiful good life far away from the pains in being a teenager, my mother opened and read my letters whenever the mail delivered them saying she has the right as the mother to do so. She entered my bedroom all the time without knocking freaking out over how I had dare to close the door to begin with, even getting on the phone to listen to whatever I saying.....all these things were daily and normal. I was often embarrassed by soaking in the tub with heavy cramps only to have my mother walk right in leaving the doors wide open to the bathroom talking to me as if this moment of my pure nakedness becoming a young woman was no big deal. My sister always came to my rescue after our snooping mother left while I sunk deep down into the bath tub she closed the doors while rolling her eyes at me knowing how uncomfortable these many moments were! I would stay in my tub a bit longer thinking about how important my privacy was to me. It grew in me to be this over all peace with anyone's request for privacy too.
I faced the lack of respect and privacy of my parents head on in being real, in being proud that I had nothing to hide. I STILL carry this bravery take deep inside of me, I want to ownership of all my own actions and thoughts, I want to able to prove that I am not ashamed or embarrassed anymore if ever someone snooped around on me. My sister took the defense against our mother's snooping with never cleaning her bedroom in order to hide her privacy better. As I took the view if my bedroom was "staged" then I WILL know when I was gone someone came into my bedroom and went through all my things.
My husband exclaimed "What are you a detective? How the hell did you know I touched your butterfly decor?!?!" I smirked "I staged it in a certain way and now it's all shifted so you had to touch it...I was wondering why is all." He rubbed his forehead explaining "Okay okay I broke the one piece moving my chair but I didn't think you would ever notice.....shit! I live with Sherlock over here!" I giggled back explaining "I keep a squeaky clean home so I can watch over everything and know the very second someone came into my personal space. It's in my blood to protect myself and not be caught off guard." He sighed "Your mother sure did a number on you!" We both laughed as I walked away having a flashback to my crazy snooping mother....
"Mom?" I asked her as she was on her knees raking out all this stuff from under my sister's bed. "Mom, what are you doing?!?" I asked cautiously as she didn't stop shuffling through piles and piles of papers on the floor. She glanced over her shoulder at me like she wasn't going to explain herself to me but I kept standing there watching her in wonder of how often she did this? My sister was at work so Mom was really snooping now....."Mom?" I asked leaning against the doorway now trying to not get angry over her ignoring me as she was looking for something. Mom finally explained "I think your sister has a boyfriend she isn't tell us about." I chuckled at the sad fact the idea of a boyfriend was like taking actual drugs to my mother's morality scale. I quickly asked "How will you put all this stuff back exactly the way she had it?" Mom snorted "It's all a mess she'll never know I was here." Glaring at me as she stated this with wrinkled papers in her hands I exclaimed "WHAT!?! YES she will! she will know then she will come into my bedroom screaming at me for snooping in her things, which I would NEVER!" Mom stood up face to face with me as I finally felt brave enough to tell her my judgement of her. Mom lifted her chin in protest "I AM the MOTHER so I have to be accountable to God on the behavior of my children, if I don't know then I can not fix the problems that are displeasing God." I fell silent knowing this speech of hers was on repeat to justify catching her in action. I step back into my bedroom hoping to straighten up my book shelf so that it reflective a classy display of nothing to hide here! While hiding how deep down I was struggling over the right and wrong of ALL things!
I hate snooping because it shows the lack of trust, the lack of security in our own selves.
It is EVERY where here in our America Society, I am not sure if it is all around the world but I am sure I could or would smell it on someone while traveling if I went out to discover this to be a fact or not. Give me lavender or peppermint oil to hide away my body orders or maybe I should shower??? I hate all these fake perfume, scented lotions and sprays to cover ourselves in while choking out or killing off the birds and the bees at the very same time...oh yes AND choking even killing ME!
I don't know how it all happened, but somewhere someone is getting very rich off of the insecurities of others, If you stink or think you smell bad that is a natural awareness to go take a bath and eat healthier. When you get done bathing then there should NOT be any other odor problem for awhile, the natural oils in our hair and on our skin is all part of a healthy balance being one with nature, I use oils after I shower to help fight off the chlorine in our water system that drys out my skin instantly. ALL the thousands of human hygiene products out there is ridiculous! If not embarrassing to reveal how we have lost our way in bettering the world by making sure we look and smell good at all times. These people drowning in fake smells are also killing off their own brain cells while breathing in and out cancer causing chemicals, give me the fresh air please! My hair smells amazing after sitting in front of a fire pit I don't even need a spray bottle! My skin feels soft and not so "thirsty" once I roll over my coconut oil, open cuts heal when I splash tea tree oil on them and germs die when I rub in peppermint oil into my pillow or curtains. Lavender is my most favorite way to smell from my toes to my finger tips if there was a breath mint to capture lavender in my mouth I would consume it! People all around me in grocery stores, coffee shops or movie theaters sink of such strong fake odors that my eyes water and my lungs gag, I have to step back or away from these toxic human beings to rescue my nose for that natural healing smell of my smoking sage! The older I get the worse it is and the more aware I am of all these hygiene products trying to sell an image that is so far from the real soul of ourselves. I hate fake smells more then I hate fake people, often this goes hand in hand of course but I think there are many good nice people who don't even realize how much they stink with fake smells of being told what to buy and how to behave, that without your hair spray, hair gel or hair moose then you will never fit into the world, along with the hair removal paste, wax and lotions a human body can't care for it's self is such a sad message to display! Nothing can be so far from the truth, those who manipulate the personal hygiene messages are winning!
I guess I don't belong in this time of history with all these cosmetics and deodorizers, with all these steps in keeping up a successful image. I get worn out trying to avoid smelling someone's fake scented hair. much less think about all the money lost for things we really don't need.....I love that moment when I slice a real lemon into the air my kitchen is naturally refreshed and made clean! Then as I eat the slices of lemon my morning coffee breath will disappear as well while I feel grateful for the simple sweet scent!
My friend greeted me with a huge hug then rested her nose into my neck longer then usual, I waited for a moment with a chuckle as she exclaimed "YOU smell AMAZING! Can I stay here drinking in your creamy soft skin? What is THAT...that scent?" She ask while rolling around my neck and arms as I replied thoughtfully "Coconut oil Maybe?" She stopped smelling me so intensely looking amazed "It is fresh air! It is sweet, clean, minty, calming FRESH AIR!" Stepping back in awe of me I was left to laugh loudly explaining to her "GOOD! Because that's what I was going for!"
It would be so nice not to live by any set time, we barely have a hundred years to live so I don't care for time much at all. I hate how fast it will all fly by actually!
Yet time is important for an appointment, for a pay check or for things to get done. Time helps your garden grow and helps teach the new generation to think for themselves. Time is both wonderful and magical, I would of hated being stuck in time at the horrible age of 16, so looking back time was good to push me into a much better place! I loose track of time in my daily life all the time! If I am not at work then most everything else is up in the air on the time I have. I love my beautiful life that choosing to hold still in time is very important to me! I can sit and loose all track of time as my cats and dogs play outside in the morning sun or if a friend comes over for coffee in long conversations! What is important to me most in this life time isn't actually reaching any such goal but rather to just be apart of time as I know it now.
I do not want to avoid who I am when I look into the mirror, time will change all the things I see. My heart is against time while realizing everything improves with age, with maturity.
Time isn't on my side unless I create it to be so! At the end of my time on this earth I hope I can say that I saw it all and loved it fully, that I wasn't in a rush and I wasn't ever stuck as well!
It would be nice if we lived by the shift in the sunshine or by the needs of those around us in whom do we spend our day today hanging out with?
Time will take everything we know right now away, but it can not take away our memories and our life lessons learned!
I hate time and admire it too, because without time we would never be able to grow up and get out of a helpless situation called "Childhood" in which every child is frustrated over not having a say for how they will use time in their own day....Time is good to arrive resting our worn out old souls when all is said and done. I hate how fast we can and will run out time, pretending not to live by any set time is pure avoidance on my part of course....just like reading a great novel everything is made clear and is completely understood in the end, only time will tell I guess!
It is easy to notice in a gathering, especially in a big family of which I came from, how interesting to see certain personalities connect or are drawn to each other creating many conversations into 2 or 3 people groups among the main 30 people gathering.
I like watching this every time at who is comfortable with who, but in a double date or small dinner party of 6 or 8, I HATE the sudden "Out Talking".....My husband and I both agree it's super annoying when the group is no longer sharing in the same topic or discussion or story. People who don't like to listen are the instigators of OUT talking the others at the very same time.
It's annoying when 2 or more people are talking at the same time in a small group, I want to hear everything everyone has to say but it becomes a race of who will be heard first or what I notice is these people have NO respect for anyone else in the room.
I hate this behavior so much and it is VERY common in my own family home like with my own siblings, how often we getting caught up in our own stories without waiting for the other person to finish their story first. I am mindful of this now in my 30's but when I was a kid I spoke out just as bulldozing as they do now. I told my husband one night rather worn out trying to keep track of all the conversations happening at once, "I want hear it all and know who they ARE but it's almost to crazy in loudness and domination that I can't remember anything said in the end?!?" When a married couple does this I have noticed it becomes a "Contest" to capture the audience away from each other, as exciting as it is to have company or discussions I would never want to miss hearing everything or connecting to those I have brought into my home. When the Out Talking burst into a battle or simply chaos I sit back in hopes to not feel dizzy or lost in all my listening I will catch the look my husband gives me of "It's time to go...." I will chuckle and causally remove myself from the social situation gone bad. Then I will hear from my husband how people have forgotten to listen or to just be! I will giggle thinking to myself that even though I hate it so much all these people trying to out talk each other, I am even more grateful when double dating in perfect balance of all four people listening and sharing, waiting for each person to finish speaking then engaging all together in such a classy dinner warms my heart! Not all of us want to win over the topic, not all of us care to be heard and when you discover the delights in sharing a conversation it is so hard to ever go back into "Out talking"!
This year has been so delightful in having my Aunt Kim come to visit and use my guest room for a fun full weekend in hanging out!
She came to Idaho from Vegas about a year ago and we were instant friends! I couldn't of gone away for 2 weeks last summer from my home full of cats and gardens without her wise, calm ways in house-sitting. When I think of how wonderful ALL my aunts are I am even more impressed that Aunt Kim is more like a step-Aunt to my husband so maybe not even related to me at all if I follow the family line rules I guess, I have always referred to her as Aunt Kim whenever someone asked whose is taking care of the pets when we are away. She was my Dirty Dash partner where we walked and talked with each other in the trails of a muddy marathon. The evenings around the fire pit or catching up at the happy hour pub makes having such a good friend like Aunt Kim in our lives so delightful! Reminding me how much I hate goodbyes as she is moving back to Vegas.....I have never been good at goodbyes I dislike them maybe even hate them if I really think about it enough.
I will always refuse to simply say "Goodbye" without another idea to follow up like "We will come visit you as soon as we can!" That way I can handle the sudden changes without such heavy emotions every time, My Aunt Kim has new adventures ahead and many times I try to focus on this fact as well.
When you are the one moving away everything is exciting and thrilling but when you are the one staying in place then the goodbye feels harder to face.....I am left to hate goodbyes, how about changing the word to "See ya later", "Stay in touch" and "Don't stay gone for long"?
I hate going out to visit with someone at a pub or cafe in excitement to hear a local band only to be blasted out at the small place with huge speakers! I am old enough now to not hang around in the uncomfortable focus of only hearing the music blaring while small talk is shouting out awkwardly and the resolve to sit back and look calm and cool when the music is NOT.
I hate that lack of visiting and enjoying the time being out just because the volume is set WAY to high for these small venues. Doesn't anyone think to ask "Isn't this WAY to loud??? I can't hear the words very clearly and it's just a Willie Nelson cover song???" Thank goodness for being outside, going out to meet someone is often a risk in the loudness of the local musician or band. Outside venues are my favorite because they can blare away without drowning out a simple "Hello!"Greeting. Yet inside during the winter weekends these speakers blast out so loudly the walls vibrate and my throat leaves feeling hoarse from asking "HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?" They look blankly leaning in nose to nose "WHAT?!?"I repeat my simple greeting and after a few more times the nodding and facial expressions leave us sitting back done for the night in socializing as the local band or singer dominates all the open air of the place. I hate this kind of setup so much that I often leave within the hour grateful to the simple peacefulness of my car again. I wonder "Why in the world do the speakers in these events have to be taller then me?!?!" I have no need to stay there trying to look COOL in the headache volume, my hearing is very sharp but if I hung out at these kind of places then in just a few short months I will have ruined my inner ears! I hate how louder the bands are the more they feel good at playing music, when clearly the talent is in getting everyone to relax around you as the music takes them someplace in their mind. Instead I find myself seeking to escape as their speakers screech and I motion to my friend I have to go now.....or maybe they could just turn it all down a bit before the windows crack!
