When it comes to what is real, and what we want to think for the comforting way it leaves us.....I see Benny in my mind, hundreds of stories and conversations are flooding me in a song here and there I feel her and see her again through these tunes like a REAL angel not one with gold or wings just really beautiful she smiles back at me......... so really music is my powerful release in crying, it feels easier to let the music pull it out of me..... for I really am hurting and missing my best friend today.
Now it was true the coffee drink had to have flavor, whip cream and sprinkles for my girl Benny. It wasn't so much going out for coffee but instead going out for conversation was her enjoyment. The drink it was anything sweet but the friends to sit and chat was what she loved the most.
We had THIS in common, we were opposite, we were from different worlds....we were best friends, we were like sisters! (If not better then that)
Benny squealed "NO! No pictures!" She set her Frappuccino on the table of the Moxie Java in Caldwell, Idaho on that nice warm first of fall evening. "Debby, I swear if you snap one more picture I will break that!" I held my camera back with a giggle leaning out of her reach by a tiny bit. "Oooooh now come on! Don't you want to remember these days of being young and free in a coffee shop?" Benny sat down shaking her head at me with her hand to block her face "You don't get it, this is not the normal "Life of the party" hanging out at a coffee shop is not living recklessly my dear..." I sat down across from her and smiled "SEE here! THIS place is MY kind of party! who needs loud music and alcohol? I love simply just THIS!" My hand swept across the wide open room, the fireplace in the corner made the warmly painted walls glow, the red couch set looked inviting and calming in front of those fall roasting flames. The loud cheer of Carlos interrupted us from our table talk, he walked through the door with arms straight up in the air "LADIES! I AM HERE!" He said and the rest of the coffee shop activities kept moving on while Benny and I threw our heads back to laugh at him. He hugged us both and swung around the place as if he was a super hero. Jason walked in behind him with rolling eyes and quietly sat down at our table "I had to bring him, once he heard you girls were here he wasn't staying home." Jason looked back over his shoulder as Carols danced around the coffee shop spatting romantic poetry. I replied "He's been saying that he is in love, Carlos has a girl he left back home...." Benny cut me off in her fast wit "He's obsessed with that girl lately, Debby and I had to listen for 3 hours of how IN-LOVE he is last night.......after awhile Debby says "Well, I've never met someone who is still in high school who actually thinks they are in love." I laughed so hard, I had to....oh Jason you know Debby, I waited till Carlos went to the restroom to tell her, that he could just be acting, ya know wanting to be the center of the conversation for a good show. She was really surprised I think she believes he is in love!" Jason nodded annoyingly and chuckled as Benny filled him in. Carlos was Jason's foreign exchange student with his sister off into her first year of college Carlos moved in from Mexico. Those late nights meeting at the coffee shop became a ritual for the four of us, we had many other friends come and go but that table of four had us chilling, usually all of us rode home in my car so the laughter, jokes and constant drama between how different Jason and Carlos were unfolded. When a song came on the radio Benny who always rode "shot gun" would turn it up and tell the boys in the back to stop talking, then we would sing at the top of our lungs until it ended....as Carlos would add like a tag note to our moment of fun "I like only love songs right now." Jason, Benny and I would groan in our mutual protest.
"So I will be there the 21rst to the 3rd...when I can see you? or better yet just come back with me on the 3rd to Chicago!" Benny said as I chuckled in my reply back as I folded the clothes on the bed "I'll just come over this weekend and help ya when you know what's going on, or what you may need to pack? You know we really should sit and just talk over a beer maybe......OR we'll make it a girls night and hit Jackpot while I'm out there too!! hahaha" She chuckled back and I said a casual bye because when you are such close friends, chatting on the phone, texting or facebook messages are simple like this......you will always stay connected so why the long drawn out goodbyes? Instead her friendship was apart of my everyday life even if the miles kept us apart..... I was so use to always instantly calling her, to all our long late night phone conversations about life, death and happiness. To my quick text simple questions or to our long FB messages, to our many many jokes, to our 15 years of memories.... To the last free Friday she had before flying out to Ireland for training in her new job back in this February she called explaining "This road is driving me crazy! There is this HUGE snow storm! I wish I were there in Boise RIGHT NOW to be with my Debster but sadly I'm going to have to turn back...." I looked outside at the sunlight feeling my excitement for the whole day to spend with her disappearing as I explained "What how odd it's sunny here! Frickin' Twin always horrid weather I swear...WELL Guess I will just have to come visit you more now in Chicago! Darn!" We both laughed then chatted awhile about how nice it is to have all these other ways of communication then it doesn't feel like we are ever really apart.......we both refused to say a final goodbye...EVER. It was more of a "See you soon." or "I'll call ya tomorrow." kind of friendship...
This morning my beloved Benny died of a heart attack and I am the one stunned over how there is NO texting in this stubborn death, there is no smiley faces or tongue sticking out jokes, no quick chatting walls, no more shared pictures or tags of hanging out with each other in really fun places....there is no more me racing to her and crying out "OooooH Benny what do I do?!?!" In my usual silly helpless ways as she would calmly replied back in her usual steady form "You go kick some ass Deb...You are good at kicking ass remember?" I would snap back into confidence with a huge laugh because my Benny girl was no nonsense and always very clever! This morning I went to our usual coffee shop after I learned of her sudden death, I had to be alone for a few long hours in familiar places she and I used to be...... I could hear her say "Oh man what a day, I don't look forward to any of this, having deal with all this drama......having to tell people." I smiled to myself through my tears as I thought of what she would say about all of this, IF she had been right there in that familiar chair......
My beloved June is almost gone...and I feel like time can't be stopped in the child like way that I love obtaining! I feel like I am sitting in the back seat of a car watching the world move on by, This month has been colder then usual and sadly yesterday I walked under my neighbor's huge 60 year old cherry tree where last year I was picking them like crazy for her.... Nothing has really felt much like June, not even these summer evenings.....The world is lighter at night and the rain or wind will hit me in the face to say my actual summer is still out of my reach! I am feeling rather misplaced, out of the normal way of existing.....instead of riding bikes and throwing water balloons I am wearing my big fuzzy sweater again and trying to get all my seeds to grow....perhaps I shouldn't compare each June to the last one?
There are no parades, no cherries, no long hikes or bike rides in this cool rainy weather. This June, My June is beautiful though and each day I've been working to paint, sew and garden hoping to feel the deep true heat that I love so much! There is always next month and even always next year, always next June to bloom, to grow and to play even better!
Shortly after my husband Tony was done with his first year of law school, he said "I want to watch all The Sopranos again....it's been years." It was a familiar sound and feeling when that theme song played one evening I came inside from gardening in the back yard. I began to think about what music means for us, I instantly began to think of Italian foods and red wine just by the sound of this theme song.... It's been almost 3 years since I had pasta and now that I know how inflamed my body gets from it, I won't be cooking it any time soon.
When I hear this theme song I am transported to a different time in my life when I was a newlywed boiling water for spagetti and simmer tomatoes sauces over my white stove in the cozy clean little apartment as Tone shout out "It's ON!" then laughs because he knew how that bugged me, plates of food and our end of day routine with this tune playing was a delightful memory....I am not that same person after a decade now of life lessons yet I am still the very same in romantically looking at my time here on earth for all the things I love, for all the things I've done. This is why we watch movies and shows, to escape from this life into another experience, to relax and just forget the world. It's the familiar comforts in those familiar tunes that can take us back to a place we've move on from..... Woke up this morning for life will always keep going strong:-)
When it comes to being the happy Wanderer I am easily made contented, I find peace that I never knew back as a kid. As a teenager I found those days to be the worse in my life....Looking back happiness became my saving grace! I found joy in caring over my pets when it felt no one cared over me.....
I think as the years go by I grow more and more aware of how important it is to let go and just BE. There isn't any kind of mission, or job more important in living then simply just breathing and thinking good thoughts! Dancing helps me shake my sad or mad feelings off, singing lets my voice be heard without needing to preach. I am on my way to living happily ever after, I believe that is such an easy idea to obtain. I would like to help anyone else who wants to give up the shadows of pain or grudges. To be Happy isn't in a text book, or in your bank account. To be happy is a biological drive since we were wee children in wanting to capture! Happiness and Joy go hand in hand for me, this happy kind of joy will fill your heart and soul even when something unhappy or bad unfolds.... In "The Sopranos" they mention the Happy Wanderer, that kind of person who doesn't have a heavy load to carry, the kind of person who doesn't have an endless job to make others feel good or be happy too. The reaction Tony Soprano has about these other people who are happy when he is not, when he sees the REAL world and they don't.....made me realize it can not be taught or given freely. People who are miserable, judgmental and stressed out can not simply be given the gift of freedom, laughter and love without finding it for themselves first.........(I can't save them from their suffering)
That episode taught me how I need to stop working so damn hard in sharing how I live my life as the Happy Wanderer, Sharing in how good I see everything! People WILL judge me and hate me for being so happy, so calm and well balanced. The real world is ever so clear to me that is why I think it is very important to be happy as soon as you can learn how..... I think life is way to short to let the hurtful words or judgement of others take me away from such a good good life I've created and of whom I'm very proud to be! Caring for others is a lesson in who wants my help and who doesn't, Being happy is such a wonderful magical feeling that I have learned to not burst out with it around just anyone.....Being considerate, being respectful and being wise is all apart of why I am happy, I figured it out that now I don't have to struggle in loosing my hope and my happiness by those who are not where I am. I am the happy wanderer, the comforter and the joy, in all my fears and pain I can cultivate the things that are important to me, by understanding where others are coming from and owning who I am in the end. Life is exactly what you make it, what you choose and will it to be. Come happily wanderer around with me!
When it comes to family all bets are off! All normal society rules go out the door! In fact no one can say without guilt or struggle that family means NOTHING. (Unless of course you are a psychopath, a sociopath or have Border line personality disorder, then once AGAIN all bets are off for you can say that family means NOTHING to you.....) The average normal person can't walk away from family even if that family hurts them beyond belief! In This beloved TV drama of mine, "The Sopranos" the very first episode reveals a mother/son relationship that is both odd and extremely familiar to me......I am captivated instantly to this show because of it's uncomfortable familiar tones.... Was my mother this woman? Is THAT why I feel like Tony Soprano right now in this very first episode?!?
I believe that as humans we are often drawn to things that brings us out of our shells, things that challenge us as a whole person we hope to obtain. In fact our souls have lived many lives before our time, yet in this life force that we breath and carry along it's still learning something new.....
My mother she loved me when I was a baby.
My mother she loved me when I was a baby, a sweet little thing that needed her for every second of my breath....then I grew. My mother she hated me for growing up. It hurts to be judged, to be manipulated and not loved anymore once I first talked back to her and then my mother she gave up. She gave up on me and how different I was from her. My mother she hated getting old, hated getting less and less important in my life. My mother I deeply loved her even when she hit me all those times. She said horrible things about me that I had to carry for so long and then I did EXACTLY what Tony Soprano did in his TV drama show..... I blamed myself. "Why are you so fast to blame yourself?" My husband asked as I cried. He continued "You didn't give birth to 3 boys yet here you are saying how you should never have left them? Honey when where you to live your own life? being happy isn't a shameful thing to obtain....you need to let go of all those words your mother spit at you or this will eat you up in the end." I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes as I explained "All I ever wanted was a family who loved each other unconditionally and had each others back like in forever." My husband chuckled in looking at me "And what you got was a selfish family who wiped their feet on you of all people because you would never fight back, they threw you under the bus first because YOU let them....I guess what you wanted and what you allowed weren't going to agree." I shot up like I had been lit by a match with such furry and such sparks that I can get Tony Soprano, maybe I am this man? His character of struggling for acceptance and love with his own mother hit me to the core of my own soul!
I am this man if I really took a hard look at myself, I am the one bringing HUGE flower bouquets to a family that would rather I never came around ever again......... IRONIC but true this show is one of my favorite because it is a reflective image of my own self struggling to carry my own family. I struggle to honor and respect my parents who do not like me at all....They didn't agree or accept me as I grew up and now even RIGHT NOW I still living with this idea of a "Family Code" I am doomed just like Tony Soprano I am doomed, there isn't a way to bring more parental love into my life, that is ALL a part of history now, I can't win the golden cup or jump high enough to change anything now. Just like in history we can see how some people can't give up and walk away even when they clearly should......I am one of those peoples.....therefore I am doomed to repeat history.... I understand how I SHOULD have walked away completely along time ago, it hurts me inside to know the truth about my parents all along they never loved me with that unconditional love I have for them, yet in this I carry this fire and hope, reminding me of the wonderful movie "August Rush" I believe just as like that kid who always believed for against ALL odds his parents wanted him, I hang on to that idea also.... It's not the truth of course. I know it's not the truth but what is the truth? Can't I still cling to what helps me be a better person instead? Tony Soprano wanted his mother to liked him, he looked over and cared for a woman who was never going to let him "Off the hook" for anything. This is why I will always think this show is the BEST of all time because I can relate and can see the complicated levels of THE family..... for all of us, it is different but kinda the same...no one saw you naked like family, no one saw you struggle like family, no one saw you age and learn like family. The family is a huge level of emotional stories, of deeper relationships and history then in anything else we will ever conquer. Family will or will not be there in the end when all is said and done. We will learn to trust or to judge from what our parents say....we will learn and we will hurt, we will be comforted or abandon by family. I liked the HBO TV series "The Sopranos" not because I cried from my own painful family that I carried inside but because I deeply related and recognized we are not alone in our ideas of what IS a family......we are born wanting the very same things before we grow up and change....
