These Small Hours

       As I learned that my friends had a sudden death in their lives when their young granddaughter was swimming in a pool with a loose light on that hot summer Sunday, she was electrocuted. They drove through the night to be with their kids, and face such a heart breaking tragedy.

       As I asked my friend Molly if she would like to go out to the Farmer's market with me, she shared that her Grandmother was dying and the time has come to lay her to rest. That day she died we shared our sadness and our memories of her. I liked sitting beside such a loving good Grandma like her this past spring at her great grandson baby shower. She was always a very classy woman, she encouraged the best out of everyone by being so supportive and kind. I remember thinking when I was 14 years old I had never known a woman to live on her own in the most adorable place full of beauty and inspirational quotes. Ever since then I have talked about how fascinating I thought she was in not having a single bible verse in her home and yet she was truly happy just as she was.

Now I noticed that I have a home without a single bible verse displayed anywhere as well, and I have never been so free in feeling inspired and optimistic. I am never afraid to live all alone as well...for her home was a refuge and a relaxing time to just be.
When Molly got married on that perfect magical summer day, She and I walked together catching up and delighting in being there.

Today is such a sad loss as the funerals are set for my friends.

I woke up early in tears of the understanding I have in how this hurts so deeply.

I saw the sunrise was breath taking!

All the angels fell from the sky when such a young sweet little girl died, then they climbed back up with broken wings as they helped a beautiful wise old woman through the clouds. I wish for a better story in living this life, yet we all have a set time.
We are changed and we are never the same day to day especially when our hearts break and the good souls leave us all to soon.....

In these small hours I write of grief that I know so well, If I was the author of writing this story of the world such things, such events would never happen.
I would bring in superheroes, close calls and never allow for the floor crushing pain to exists.

In my stories happy endings are the only possibility for time to fall away....

The Gardens

It has been such a busy productive gardening year for me as I am so happy to have my 3 raised garden beds set up with my youngest brother Davey's help.

It has been such fun to think about what to grow in them after getting all the layers of cardboard and compost and dirt in them. I top all three of them with organic garden soil from the North end Nursery. I had such a fun garden and plant shopping day with my good friend Carol. She met me there for ice coffees and talking all about plants in June. We have been friends now for about 8 years or so....

Being among the gardens has been our shared delight and while I rented her home for 2 years we saw each other all the time. I took such good care of her home as if it was my own.....

It has been fun to see how our places have come together I like to visit her while drinking a cup of coffee walking through all her new plants and landscaping. She likes to sit on my patio saying how nice our new home is. We stay in touch even though we live in neighboring towns.

It has been awhile since I have schedule any Gaia Circle events, almost 2 years now since I moved where I haven't made a list of great topics to conquer every month. A woman only group was such a great idea, we did arts and crafts, homemaking and gardening while drinking wine in sharing stories.  We embraced spirituality, magic and the myths. We created one of the most beautiful sisterhood I had ever seen and time changed our lives. I still try to meet for lunch or coffee more personal and individual with everyone from back in the day. Since I was full of ideas, events and topics to learn about I seemed to have a hard time finding anyone else to host the monthly get together so I realized while I was moving to a new home that I would be very busy for awhile....

Life is like that.

The down time, the away from everyone time does us good and so when coming back together it's easier. My gardens always give me that special place to just be, I have many different sets of sisterhoods and I love them so much!

I love all the hard work I am doing right now on my big backyard it won't take long to have the whole place in shape and successfully setup!

I am currently planting a humming bird garden.....

I am setting up the 2 back corner as raspberries gardens they are filling in nicely.

I am excited to see how much I can get done and grow this year as each section helps me stay focus on what to do next. 

These are my gardens, my masterpieces of my life!

The Present

This has been a busy summer already, I am in awe of it.
I always think it's interesting when the beginning of a season all these things are possible and planned. A wide open schedule full of ideas and projects, A whole new time of the year to accomplish and conquer.

This has been a changing time, suddenly my husband looks very different and becomes a new person as I try to catch up.
This has been a very emotional struggling time and yet we are finding our friendship again.
I haven't published much about it, being together 20 years is a milestone and yet it's in the ocean that I realized we are not on land right now.

Am I drowning? while he is swimming his very best life ever?

He says that he didn't realize that he left me behind stuck on an island as he embraced a whole new personality and life style. 
I am glad he can see me now for all summer we have struggled and we have not been in the same boat living through time.

We have life jackets on now, we are working together on what we would like the next 20 years to be like.

I have no idea how the present time took us away from each other.

Yet I am embracing my counseling fully and gratefully, being 40 years old sure has surprised me in not being the top of the mountain in hiking through life instead it dropped me into the ocean and the salty waves took me under and I couldn't breath anymore.

My husband said "I know this woman better then anyone in the whole world, just leave her be. Don't smoother, don't try to persuade her. And don't try to manipulate her because she will see right through it. Let her be in her own space and in her own time then she will return with a plan and a clear cut path for what to do next."

I have been trying to just let it be. The present should be enjoyed, the only thing about time is that it's better when shared. I have been sitting under the shade of the trees, walking my old dog Oscar and trying to learn more about the things my husband is into now. I know who I am isn't the same person when I said "I do." yet my heart is the same in this moment all things are so beautiful. It was good to escape this summer out to the Oregon Coast as we talked about old times, and old feelings. The beginning helps guide us through the middle as we wonder as to what end can our love story say about us?

I can see how the present is bringing us back together again.

I have always said friendship and honesty are the building blocks for any lasting relationship. So I let it go, I let it be, I am me, I am happy to see this summer grow into depth and beauty as we share more of our life and our time with each other.

The Future

"I am living in the future right now." I said with a simple smile at my friends as we were visiting all together over coffee.

     This statement has been with me for quite some time now as I turned 40 and realized I haven't "arrived." to that perfect milestone of wisdom, not like I did when I turned 30. 

For in being 30 I had the best year I will ever remember. 

I understand this now....here in the future.

Back when I celebrated my 20th birthday with a long table full of friends.  My delight was in hugging everyone while walking around the table of 20 people so that I could visit with each person for a bit, while my friends and I sang together to the over head music while sharing chocolate brownie sundaes, for we were young and this was a very special day that I felt like the best part of my life was about to begin!

I remember thinking in that moment it was going to be such a great memory while wondering to myself what will the next 20 years would be like....into the future?

So now I am here. This is it, that very time I had wondered about. 

I am in the future now...

I have always had this understanding in me from back when I was just a small child. I had this fear in saying goodbye because I felt like I would never see that person ever again, this is why I always cried.

It has been shared that this made me a very sweet tender kind child, I only remember that feeling of not wanting anything to ever change. Goodbyes meant change, loss and being apart from, I had such awareness in me from the beginning of my time.

I am in this future now where it has come to pass that some of my goodbyes have been the end. The change of all things.

This intuitive nature of mine has me in awe of all these days I live here in the future.....

I am in awe that come tomorrow the future will give me even more understanding. I have such wonder and gratefulness that I get to experience the world of today. The future has once again been pushed out as time unfolds right now. 

Several years ago around the traumatic time of my mother's stroke I had a reoccurring dream of a small town cafe, a familiar place from my past where my Grandpa, Papa Rudy sat drinking his coffee at the counter. 

When he was alive he smelled of after shave in his flannel shirts holding a cup of coffee all through the day.

He was friendly, cheerful, outgoing and always smiling. 

His jokes and playful ways made him such a comfortable person to be around. When I was a small child I saw him sitting at the counter of the small town cafe. He was laughing with all of his friends in the early morning hour. He always seemed so laid back, so grateful to just visit and sit with people. I wondered even admired him for spending his time at the counter drinking coffee among the noisy kitchen of fried bacon and doughnuts. I had to ask myself if I would one day be just like him when I am old, sitting there telling stories and having breakfast? 

In my reoccurring dream that cafe is always there like it was when I was little, and my Papa Rudy is always drinking coffee. 

Now that I am here in the future carrying my own cup of coffee every where at all times of the day I smile to myself in how it's the little things that we pass down through the generations.

I had this dream where I waved to my Papa at the end of the cafe where he sat at the corner of the counter, he lifted his cup towards me and smiled. Then I saw out the windows water rushing in, slamming against the whole building and rising up the windows. It was powerful, scary and shocking to me yet no one inside was freaking out, no one around me even notice this flood. I stood thinking to myself that here I am just 32 years old, I can't handle this flood all on my own. I can't go out there into all that crazy water in such a very bad storm.....How did this happen?

The noisy busy crowded cafe brought me back away from the windows of raging water to the swinging doors of the kitchen where a waitress came out loaded down with plates of food. She swung out right in front me, as I was just standing there watching her charmingly serve everyone. She was in her 60's with big gray curls pinned up high away from her wrinkled yet beautiful face. She looked at me as if she knew me, as if she was just as surprised as I was to be there facing each other. When she smiled at me in a nod, in such an all knowing kind of way I was stunned to realize she was me! She moved with purpose, with delight and with her eyes on me the whole time after we had bumped into each other while she was making her way over to be next to my Grandpa as they jokingly talked while she poured him more coffee then they both raised their hand up towards me. I stood there in awe, in wanting to go ask her all about her life and what was it like? What happened? Are you proud of it all?

I woke up feeling so happy, so delighted that maybe I will really look like that when I am 60. (And it would be a great job to have serving food in a small town cafe, being there among all the activities and all the familiar faces.)

In that dream her eyes were telling me that she knew what I was going through, that she knew why I was there. That she couldn't talk with me, she couldn't advise or warn me, she couldn't cheat the system and tell me how her life came about to being there like that. Yet she knew me better then I knew myself as I was just standing there in surprise and in my confusion. Her eyes were my eyes, her smile was my smile and yet all her gray hair with wrinkles on her face made me want to be her friend, to hear all about her life!

    I realized after I woke up that I wanted the knowledge she had.

I want to be the one who looks out in clear understanding not the one who is afraid of the flooding waters coming inside the restaurant. Maybe I will grow old with hair like that, and have a cheerfulness that shines out on such any stormy day.

This dream left me in awe, in deep thought of all that I was going through. For the future is always in a blink of the eye!

In another dream more recently that same cafe had my Papa Rudy offer his coffee to my brother Derek and I laughed. 

Being there with both of them made me feel so goofy, silly and playful as I said "Oh no, He doesn't drink coffee, I have tried for years to get him to meet me for coffee and he usually just gets a smoothie." I laugh on as Derek nodded in his agreement making that cute face he would so often make while adding "But I will have some tea. Thank you very much" both Papa and I burst out laughing together at how he said it in a British stylish way. 

I woke up feeling that amazing joy, happiness in being with such people, who are no longer on this earth then tears found me in real time, in this, the future.

For when we fall to our knees and weep, we know all things the past, the present and the future.

Toy Story 4

I remember 1995 like it was yesterday,

I think being 16 years old and watching this movie in the crowded theaters was an fun experience! I liked how the toys came to life in clever ways and funny jokes. While being common toys we all have seen or even played with as a kid made this movie impressive.

When pixar brought this new style of computer animation to the films we were all talking about it in our circle of friends back in those days. While my baby brothers grew up I put the movies on Toy Story and Toy Story 2 on while we hung out in the living room coloring or playing with toys. It was fun for me as a teenager/young adult to listen to as well.

Then in 2010 the 3rd movie came to theater and I happily, very excitedly invited my 3 baby brothers who were now young kids/teenagers. It was important to me that we did the whole movie theater thing with going to lunch first, having hamburgers and old fashion milkshakes catching up on our lives and how exciting going to see this awesome film. My mother came along the whole time in that event acting so strange and so weird very confusing to me as I high fived my brothers and cheerfully embrace such a great day with them.

It was a powerful movie Toy Story 3, I cried so much more then I thought that I would sitting next to my brother Daren who was there with me when we watched the first Toy Story. I felt like Andy's life was mirroring my very own baby brother. It was changing and becoming so very different now as we entered a new stage of life for us all.

I am glad that in all these movies I have had my brothers with me when we go to see them in the theater in the year they are released.

That makes these movies very special to me.

Yesterday we all met up to watch Toy Story 4 and it was excellent in great laughs and interesting story plot. My husband sat on one side of me as my brother Davy sat on the other with Daren adn Doug beside him we were laughing so much as our parents sat together in the handicap section right behind us. This is a treasured event, a rare moment for us all to be able to sit together in the movie theater. It was ghostly and almost bare in open chairs as my father and husband made jokes about how no one goes to the movies anymore.

I walked with my mom helping her whenever she needed it listening to my grown up brother all young men now in their early 20's joke around and talk about the film after it was all over. My heart loved the moment and the memory.

It's strange how different all our lives are now.

It's good to come together. 

It's fun to laugh all together while watching this progression in Toy Story.

I felt grateful that we all got to see this movie together because of the history for me in being with my baby brothers through each new film over the years.

Yesterday's summer time heat had us all relaxing in the AC of the movie theater as a whole family, laughing and watching such familiar toys come alive again.

The coast is the good life!

It will always be my favorite place on the whole earth.

It will always be my best self and my best memories in all of my life, being on the coast is the good life because everything else falls away at the very touch of the sand.

It will be always in my heart and in my breath to see the ocean and sky line meet in that perfect purpose of the earth, the salt water and the clouds breaking up the light.

It will always be my joy to return to it again and walk along the time of day in such a great place!

The play is the thing!

In celebrating our 16th anniversary, Tony got us tickets to the playhouse and I was so thrilled! Because it's one of my favorite thing to do is go see plays!
After our really nice dinner over looking the beach at The Wayfarer, after our fun time walking around Cannon Beach we enjoyed the play. "And then there were None."  It was so good! It was truly fascinating! It was a perfect way to celebrate our anniversary!

We've had such a nice relaxing vacation, a day on the beach, a day at home or some times in town for we discovered a great grocery store called "Fresh Foods." It has helped us setup our cottage kitchen nicely.

We have read books, took pictures and enjoyed lazy long nap time with our old dog Oscar or just lay outside in the sunshine. I like that I can do laundry and dishes while listening to a podcast. Our rental cottage is perfect for us!

In the very early mornings we take Oscar to the beach every other day because he gets so very tired. I try not to wear him out as he loves catching his frisbee in the soft sand.

While Oscar is napping we'll often go find places for happy hour like The Smokehouse. or Tony's favorite Warren House pub. (I love any place I can sit seeing the ocean!)

Life here on the coast is truly refreshing.

Our 20 years together has us both being very reflective over all we have been through and how coming here has always been important to us.

It's amazing how this place has been a part of our history and of our best selves. This vacation is another great time!

We will return more often since we have missed it here so much, the new to us chocolate cafe is now our favorite resting place to enjoy a coffee and a truffle before the lovely walk home.

In all the wonderful things around here to do going to the theater was my most favorite of all!

I loved it so much and hope to return again for more plays!

I am in awe of how much time has changed everything yet I still love the same ol' things like going to plays and drinking coffee in the cool evenings!

In celebrating yesterday my husband said "I know you are just as happy being together back home watching the water fountains dance around but I am sure glad I could take you out in style tonight! You have made my life so amazing every single day!"