Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

My life and music live side by side, as a small child I sang in church every Sunday for fun and for the stage, as the children's choir took to the steps and spotlight of the mega non-denominational church my parents attend in my first 10 years. I saw lots of crazy weird creepy and strange things in my first 10 years alive on this earth from 1979 to 1989, my parents attended all kinds of churches then settle in at mega church which held 3 services of the same program each Sunday. This huge church was growing and remodeling during those years as well since it was also a private school for christian kids during the week. My life was like a dream in all the levels I didn't understand at the very moment back in time, I knew even at the tender age of 8 years old something is very wrong, very evil in Christianity. I was cautious how much power we were giving Satan in our fear and in our prayers. I think it's like with any super hero story there is a good guy and a bad guy. They need each other to balance the battles, I look back at my first 10 years with awe of how important music was for me. The good in bad times, the songs gave me a release in my tense stressful worry of avoiding Satan and pleasing God.
It was a real issue of self control, self awareness and self check lists that followed me into my 2nd decade of life.
Songs like this were on the radio in the family car on our way to church. For each Sunday we struggled to get in our seats on time, an angry stressed out father and a worried active mother who wanted us to look perfect. Life back then was just as fleeting as it is right now but as a kid it felt like everything boring lasted forever until I could sing again.
Music was the key to helping me survive all these spiritual things, all those social requirements and a life of wanting to be connected to everything as I sure did!

Neil Young - My my, hey hey

I have always thought the ocean is so beautiful and so scary at the very same time. I will always be made whole when I stand before it.
I will always know everything so clearly when I breath it's salty scent of a life force beyond all of us.
I am always returning to it in my memory when life gets tough.
I am always there again in the sand and sun light knowing all things are not to be known after all.
I am ever so grateful for the ocean, such landscapes are never lost on me!
The whole of nature holds such adventures!
The whole of time is found among this planet in such beauty as we go from the blue to the black.
I travel back in my mind, I hear our laughter and see our freedom in running fast to escape those foamy waves at our bare feet!
I can still hear the seagulls in the soft winds and rolling noise of the ocean.
I whisper "What a perfect day!" as I stand still before the big blue.

Into The Gray

       

   When I turned 30 I was around joking and saying how much I wish I looked like Rogue from X-men, with that awesome gray stripe down the front of my face for it would be a great look to enter my 30's!

Yet nothing like that happened as much as I wished for it, and I don't dye my hair. Maybe for fun I would try one day down the road I never know how playful I will feel in my 50's or 60's, I have always felt that dying is dangerous with no real proof just my gut instinct, as a small child I watched my mother dye her hair all the time, it was messy and stinking like getting a perm only in color, dark ink all over the place. My mother kept her youthful look in dying her hair all the time, but I felt like it was dangerous due to that strong chemical smell. My mother always did these things at home so she would stock up on hair dye. When she turned 40 years old my sister and I put together a surprise birthday party for her up at her mother's home for a ladies luncheon. She decide to dye her hair that same morning, it stunk up the home while I tried to hurry her without giving it away that we had a surprise for her. She dragged her feet up to her mother's home, not happy with us telling her that she had to go see her mom. Yet her jet black dark brown hair was fresh and deep rich youthful color, so I told her that Grandma wanted to see her new hair...then SURPRISE! All of her friends were there to celebrate! We were proud teenage daughters doing this special event for her 40th birthday!

I realized most of her friends dyed their hair during that luncheon afternoon, My little Grandma said to me "It's not a shameful thing growing old, you don't have to hide your gray hair if you don't want to." Then she would wink at me, for her salt and pepper hair was more pepper yet awesome looking for me.

Grandma Norma often shared how important it was to dress right for the occasion, she had shoes for different parts of her day while in town. She had a couple closets of clothes, she had a jewelry box that stood on it's own like a dresser, and perfume of every shape and size. For my Grandma never left home, never left the farm without looking good! My Mother was far more laid back in her youth, so now as she is 61 years old I can see the similar habits of looking good when leaving the farm. I was surrounded by women who confidently looked good when going to town, it has taught me the equal value in self care and being well groomed.  I don't wear make up, except for a special event like a wedding. I don't dye my hair except for a few high lights at my own wedding. I don't wear much jewelry anymore too as I think about where I want my money to go, if I am given a gift I will wear it proudly. I use to wear all the colors of rainbow with every scarf and every hat, socks and shoes that brighten up a rainy day! So I am shifting from black and gray these days to a little more color again.

Perhaps it's why I wish I had gray hair as my exciting feature, my style has always been to avoid chemicals, to stay healthy so that I don't need anything external to show my true colors.

Strangely my hair is turning gray very slowly, I wanted to look like Storm from X-men by the time I reach my 40th birthday!?!?! I guess not.... 

I thought I would go from Rogue to Storm in one decade, especially in this very bad horrible ridiculous decade of my 30's....

Turning 30 was a magical wonderful year, wish I could of stayed there for all time.

Turning 40 is deeper, rich in emotions and understanding, my awareness for this next decade isn't as exciting but it sure is appreciated by me. Growing old is where I feel at home.

Someone pointed it out that when I was just a little girl I said profound things, I liked to go off on my own and play, they wondered if I was an old soul.......

I felt like I had lived a hard life by the time I turn 20 years old, my mother was just about to burst forth a new baby too. I think I have always been planning for the future even for my parents whether they wanted to listen to me or not, I was simply born old.

Sleeping At Last - Light

Winter is for sleeping, for being inside and safely tucked away.
The cold long gray days brings us all into thinking more, into fixing more of ourselves.
We can deep clean, cook up recipes we hadn't had time for yet, and read everything we want to learn about.....Winter is for sadness, for togetherness and for rest of all things.

Winter is for getting ready to grow, getting ready to accomplish once again. It helps us heal and helps us relax in such bad weather down time.
It's very cozy to me in seeing my pets come inside early and sleep among the warm blankets to the baking aroma of such a cold season.

Winter is when I was born, northern Idaho held pine trees all around me as the snow and the cold began my life. It's why I love the summer time far more! I crave warmth and clear bright skies!
I would choose the forest on a sunny day not a snowy day.....so this is fascinating to me. The day I was born was not the true nature of who I am, give me better days for dancing and driving!

Winter is here again for my 40th year to begin.....

Oasis - Champagne Supernova

A new year brings forth new stories.....
This song has been in my mind as I read lately about space and time, the milky way and this one perfect planet called earth. I will live to care for it and try to do my best for the next generations. I think the stars and the moon hold such wonder, and the warm sunshine keeps the days going by......
I am about to enter my 4th decade, I am about to take on those new stories so this song stays with me.
I look up in awe of those supernovas in the sky!

THE TREE OF LIFE

There are 2 ways through life, the way of nature and the way of grace. 
And you have to chose which way to follow.

            Someday we will fall down and weep, And we will understand it all.
                                  ALL THINGS.

P!nk - A Million Dreams

The last song I sang in 2018 was this song, I sang slowly to Oscar and Sidda who were shaking behind me on the couch as the fireworks exploded. My husband went to bed early but I stayed up to care over all my pets and to sit awhile by myself looking at the Christmas tree, in fact almost every night before bed through all December I sit with my tea and look at the tree it helps me calm down and helps me face winter in a better light. The soft glow of the tree is like magic and the peaceful quietness is lovely, the pets sleep deeper knowing I am there right beside them before bed as well.
Last night was crazy almost as bad as the 4th of July yet I sang so many songs until almost 2 am when everything grew quiet outside again. I hate fireworks, my poor pets think we are at war and I have to reassure them it's just the craziness of people who have never suffered from such fear of being bombed before (Ironically) Singing is a wonderful way to welcome in the new year and cuddled up into the blankets with my dogs was priceless too. Here we go for 2019!