Derek, My Brother.

I want my brother Derek to come back in to my life, I want to hear him tell me how to drive once again.

I want to hear him laugh like he use to, with that sweet clever smile on his face.

I want to hear about his trip to China, hear about his love for cooking and I want to hear about his funny stories in being with our little brothers.

I want to walk with him through the mall while pushing our mom in her wheel chair as we shop together.

I want to just sit beside him at any family event.

I want to see him wink at me in the moment of conversation.

I want my brother Derek to come back to life! To see him wave at me and give me one of his big bear hugs once again.

Yet what I want isn't how this year went, it's not even possible.

I want to never see 2017 ever again, I want to blow it up like a scene in a movie....

I want to never forget and never remember all these days in this year.....

I will always have these tears of grief, I will always keep saying "Dear Derek." to myself for the rest of my life.

Keiser Report: What Will 2018 Bring Us? (E1169)

A year of the President

Read Jon Katz Blog Post link here.

             It has been almost a year now with President Trump, it has been about the same time since I have stopped calling myself a liberal too. 

The Conservatives/ the Republicans  had won the election last November with him over Clinton.

 It's very easy for me to understand what happened. 

 It was all so embarrassing and ridiculous so I choose to not be of either political party.

A year has gone by with this famous rich man as our nation's leader. 

The word "Entertainment." comes to my mind as I remember him from the very popular TV show "The Apprentice."

Of course looking back to last January I was so worried that women would be set back from the progress we have made in this country with a New President so blatantly disrespectful. 

I can understand more how this Nation is changing, adapting and learning. 

I feel like women have become very strong under his disrespect, under the awareness in being involved with what he says and does. 

I am left embarrassed by the behavior of the Democratic party and by the Republicans. 

It's easy to see why I call myself an independent, especially after this first year of Trump.

I evaluate the person in the moment on the News, I don't blindly or loyally follow so I consider this a good thing, a progressive thing in me. 

Sometimes I think would be nice to be apart of a group guaranteed to make the world a better place in which I don't have to ask "Is our leader good or bad? Smart or stupid?" I can just help make the world better......Oh wait! I can just make the world a better place! Who the President is will change in future but the needs of the people and the needs of the earth will always be there! 

My young friend Tally exclaimed to me as we went out for a day of fun together last January for my birthday, she exclaimed "It's Horrible! It's so scary! Because Trump could throw my mom in jail for being a lesbian!" I half hugged her as we walked around together I reassured her "We the people will not allow that to happen, We are a powerful force that the President can't just do whatever he wants. Don't worry, you are not all alone in this society and if ya really think about it when you go to vote in 8 years from now he won't even be on the list of choices, Let's not give him the power to worry us, to ruin our day!"         

Into The Future

               

It's been quite the year that as I wrote out my year end review I got rather sick to my stomach and stopped.

I don't think I can write it all out, it has been to much to handle!

      This new year has found me worn out and beaten down, I am afraid of the future to be honest......

I have been counting the blessings more on that list of this year because of how painful the losses have been, yet maybe I just want to start all over again. 

Let me go back in time to warn myself on my birthday in January  when my husband took me out for a nice dinner. If I could just see myself sitting by candle light I would rush up to my table with my new eye glasses and my new short hair to explain to my twisted up long hair and old jacket self "Stop! Don't leave this spot, for the future is NOT good! Don't move forward into the dying of the light!" That is what I would say in one helpless breath! Then of course my old self would be stunned and confused. The future never meets back up with the past for all the harm it could do......

Instead I felt very optimistic that night as I turned 38. I felt like everything was getting better, even my marriage was improving and I was delighted in some new gray hairs on my head. 

I feel very different now as I will be 39 in a few weeks.....I feel afraid of the future actually.

          My heart has been hurting through this first holiday season without my brother Derek close by.

I think that's why I am so emotional at the drop of a hat,in a single second I am in tears. (more then the usual even I've noticed)

  I can't hold back this pain in my chest that has never gone away since he died. I can't fix this, I can't make it better yet I always want to try, I always want to find the happy ending or better perspective. I think that's a life lesson in and of it's self right there for me too.

Since the future won't have him waiting out there in it, I think it's why I am afraid of this new year, perhaps I am traumatized. It all takes time to heal, or to adapt to this new information in my life, it takes more time then even I know.

Yet the hope of the future is in the fact we have no idea what to expect, 12 new months ahead for new life and new stories, I like the sense of adventure and of hope.

For my heart feels the love that the future holds in celebrating new births after all these deaths, I am in awe of that circle of life. 

I am grateful to be a small part of it, as like with today I felt so very grateful to see my friends at the hospital, to see their first born baby boy in his tiny little bed tucked up inside the safety of modern medicine. 

We've been celebrating/looking forward to his arrival for months now and yet he came early, and yet he is one of the wonders of the future! 

It's such a magical thing to see new life for a new year with new stories to be told!

I know that I can delight in this love and in this joy, I am deeply thankful and grateful each day begins again.

Into the future a new year will finds us just as we are. 

With little wee ones awakening up into their new world called the future, called to life.

Into the Past

     

It's now Christmas day I am left thinking about the last 12 months with such sadness.
It's not just for my own hurt that I see many people I love have suffered, there has been sudden deaths and tragic traumas in the news or in the lives of people I love so much......

This morning in all the freshly fallen snow I watched some kids play together, I smiled and loved seeing them having fun on the sidewalks......It took me into the past with tears in my eyes of playing like with my own siblings, I have been feeling like I am running out of time to make everything alright again but it won't and can't be like it was in the past.....

I need to surrender my internal battle of wishing to go back in time again, I feel like this Christmas is so very sad for me, so very hard to handle while I just want to lay on the floor and hide from the world, I also want to make a difference with whatever time I have left so as I worry for everyone else, trying to help them through these rough emotional days I escape into the past and my cherish memories of Christmas. I can see my Grandparents again, hear my brother and sister jumping around the Christmas tree and know all the adults are sharing trays of food.
I need to remember the story "A Christmas Carol." when the ghost of Christmas past is teaching Mr. Scrooge of how important time is, of how all those experiences make him who he currently is, then the ghost of Christmas present is full of hope, love and celebration, in teaching Scrooge again about giving in the moment of right now.....

I appreciate that movie more and more as I grow older, I hope that the ghost of Christmas future isn't so scary....that no matter the new difficult events each year will hold I can hold strong in my peace of mind that I sure love Christmas and I love the family and friends who fill it with such love and support!

My brother Derek loved Christmas so much that he always went all out and he always had such a good time! It comforted me to know that he would be staying out on the farm with our parents and little brothers for the whole Holiday weekend, celebrating with board games and goodies!

It will always be in my heart for how it once was.

There is a whole new year right around the corner, a new way to see the world and to take on all the adventures of getting better and growing wiser.

"For the spirits did it all in one night!".... and now it's Christmas day again! Celebrate the goodness and life!

Into The Holidays

In the first weekend of November my mother came to
stayed with me as we began our planning for the holidays, We had a lot of rain that weekend but she and I still rolled around the stores just fine. In fact that first Friday she was with me we went out into the dark evening to go shopping!

My husband Tony teased us for being crazy, but I knew that just around the corner from our house was a Hobby Lobby. Since my Mom loves that store we were going to cover every square inch of it before they closed for the night!

It was exciting to me, I felt so young again being in a store late at night and hearing over head that they will close in 15 minuets, I exclaimed to my mom "We are closing down the place! We are having a real ladies night out! This is AWESOME!"

Going into the Holidays is rather exciting as the weather grow bad, as it gets cold and dark early. I love the soft white glow if Christmas lights in my home to help me not go crazy in such a limiting season. My Mom and I even enjoyed an afternoon strolled through downtown Boise. Getting fresh air and being busy helped us really enjoy that whole weekend.

At night while my mom was resting on the couch she would share all of her plans and wishes for the Holidays, she would reminisce about how when she was my age this time of the year was very busy and she made everything so perfect for the Holidays.
I realized that I have this very same desire in me at this time of the year as well, perhaps I inherited from her? I have met people who are not ever excited about the Holidays....yet no matter what's going on I still am. I am still very joyful and hopeful for the Holidays, I love all the giving and donating in the community! I love being able to save my money for good foods and just relax by the tree every night before bed.

That weekend with my mother staying with me was fun as we got ready together.
Then for Thanksgiving she came to stay again, we were lucky to have clear blue skies for our big day over to see the Festival of Trees. My mother's Mom, Grandma Norma was the Queen of decorating for Christmas. My Mother was the Queen of making all the Christmas candies and goodies. I realized as I strolled along behind my mom talking about every detail I saw in those trees, telling her to let me know if I need to walk faster or slower that from her and her mother I take with me these holiday traditions with my own personal touch.....I will always greet the holiday season with such joy and such magic!

As I grow older I have even more memories of the importance of this time of the year.

Waiting for you in the sun!

I know that this month I have been posting old favorites of mine, but this song always makes me cry and smile at the same time <3

I still love Tim Minchin's honesty and his emotion in this song, I remember having this song on repeat heading to the Oregon Coast for Christmas in 2009 just singing along so easily :-D

I received startling news today that my beloved friends just became parents sooner then we had all been anticipating, with gratefulness everyone is alright, with a bit of shakiness I am aware of how important it is to cherish each other, to come together.

And I will always be waiting in the sun.........

The Truth About Stefan Molyneux

Now I may of shared this before but it's still so very good, his advice has always been encouraging to me. 

I think the truth about time is so very important to always remember and fight for the freedom we all need to find!

The Courage of Cloudburst

When I think of one of my most favorite movies, I always think of "Cloudburst."
When I need to be reminded of my life before such sadness and sudden changes then I sing "Ain't Life sweet." because it reminds me of where I come from and how I got here.

When I look back at my 38 years I smile knowing it all tells a story and gives a strength in who I am that I am left so very proud and so very grateful.

When I watch this movie over and over again I laugh and I cry, I think about how important true love is and how important it is to make the world a better place!

When I tip my hat to this life I will still be singing to myself "Ain't Life Sweet....when you know what you are doin'.....Ain't Life sweet when you're not afraid to care."

Six Feet Under - David

This is one of my most favorite scene of the whole show, and  it's one I have thought about a lot in this year actually.

If I could just stand still for a moment I can feel myself reacting to this life right now without my brother Derek here anymore in much the same way as David.

......Perhaps like I watching this show all over again because it reminds me that I am not alone in how I feel and what I am facing for the future. Derek was suppose to BE the future, he was young and he was good.

I guess we all need to scream now and then!

The Episode

It's as if I am transported back through time whenever I watch an episode of "6 feet under."

I will always remember being so young back then doing dishes and dusting my book shelf of my very first home in my very first year married living so happily ever after really.........

While I cooked up a colorful stir fry on the stove to the noise of HBO always playing on our small TV. It was free in the apartment we rented so I never turned it off as I spent whole afternoons in the kitchen trying new recipes and baking cookies.

The very sound of the theme song for "6 Feet Under." my attention would be captured and I would zoom into focus on the new story line, for the characters I knew and loved as if they were from my own family!

These were the early years of my 24th and 25th year that I thought everyone should be watching this show! I talked about it so much that most people rolled their eyes but I saw something in this idea of facing death that I felt was a MUST KNOW.

We should ALL face the fact we are ALL going to die but we don't need religion, we don't need to waste time hiding or judging each other since we are all equally going to die we should equally talk about death from this show and see the importance of actually living a brave and wise life!

"6 Feet Under." has a certain style that I loved so much when watching on how we have our mind's eye conversation going on that no one can see but this show reveals that part of us all in a real captivating and shocking way!

I was hooked on the very first episode "The Pilot." it won me over instantly. I laughed so much over how we all want to say what we are really thinking but instead stay quite or in a social norm where no one really sees how we really feel.

Over the 14 or 15 years now this drama series has played a huge part in my life as I make references and just sit thinking about it.....When my best friend died suddenly I pictured her in a sun hat sipping a Margarita whenever she came to chat with me as she said that she has all the time in the world now to relax, I got this idea from "6 Feet Under."

It helped me smile in my sadness and in my constant slamming up the brick wall. I can't call her on the phone 3 times a day like I use to.....I can't chat online or see all her facebook pictures anymore. I can't split a pitcher of beer with her like we use once a week when she was my neighbor.

None of us get out alive, none of us can hide. So after the first season of "6 Feet Under." I was profoundly changed and knew I needed to face death in the bravest way possible, which was living a great life full of love, not distracted by God or by people's ideas of God.

In death I see peace, pure and simple peace.

I also scream at the top of my lungs consumed by rage in facing death for it ends the story that I was following, the story I knew so well!

Just like in this great show I see how important it is to talk about it fully honest and fully real!

Be your best self always, 

Be your own truth and own strength,

Be your own honesty and be brave,

Be your breath and thought,

Be yourself. always and forever just be yourself when facing time as it leads right to death.

Let everyone else worry about what happens after you die, it was never in your hands to begin with.

Let the pain and loss, let the hurt and heart break just happen as you face the stone wall which claims everyone you will ever loved. 

I have seen this wall time and again, always coming back to remembering the famous episode of "6 Feet Under."

Maybe one day I will know what's on the other side of that solid wall maybe then I'll get to be the one who yells out freely; 

"There's No More BULLSHIT!" 

The New Tree

      

    Last year I went to buy a Christmas tree after I had completely forgotten about setting one up the day after Thanksgiving when I was happily setting out all my other decor.

It shocked me that a 4 foot tree was 45 dollars!?!?

So I shopped around and it was 35 to 55 dollars in buying a real tree. 

And since I only had 30 bucks in cash I put that towards Christmas goodies instead.

Then I went home thinking hard about how I could get my Christmas tree so I made a tree shape out of clothes hangers and wrapped Christmas lights around it.

I hooked it up into the window along side all of my other Christmas decor.

My husband Tony though it was pure genius! 

He was very impressed as looking on from the road it looked like a tree in our living room window.

Of course, It was NOT the same thing to me as I sat starring at the triangle lights hanging in the window and only when I put the curtain down did look like a Christmas tree to me. Yet the fact that it was a hard winter, and I didn't have much money made my creative mind spark!

Now a year later in a new home I knew that I wanted a new tree, something to really look at and enjoy.....

Over the last couple of weeks I have been on a quest to find a Christmas tree under 50 bucks ever since one guy told me there was a tree shortage I have been thinking if my tree was fake then I could set it up right after Thanksgiving and it would be easier for me to handle on my own.

So I woke up the other morning to a note from my husband Tony who said he got me a Christmas tree and I was thrilled!

Putting this great tree together was a real puzzle, but I loved getting it all setup! 

Ever since I saw the Harry Potter themed Christmas tree at the Festival of Trees last month I thought that I should do a Fantastic Beasts theme for my new tree in our new home?

I realize it'll take time of course to build up the decor if I do that....so maybe I'll just leave the tree as it is?

Yet I have learned over the years to not rush into anything, especially as I step back in admiration over the perfect looking new tree!

The Bitcoin

 Here is Max Keiser once again, I love this guy!

And I will always remember when I first heard of bitcoin back in 2009, I smiled saying "Well now, ...finally, Here it is! Our financial revolution! It's about time...."

Of course back then I knew that we weren't rich enough to invest yet I still loved the whole new concept. 

Bitcoin is full of possibilities from what I could see and I spent many hours reading all about it as well, Good luck out there even now if you do get the chance to be apart of this movement!

        Yesterday morning over coffee My husband said to me "You are a very smart person, you should give yourself more credit and more of a challenge to learn about this technology world that you always try to avoid." I choked on my coffee in my chuckling back at him shaking my head.
For we had been discussing bitcoin of course so I defended myself with a big knowingly smile I explained to him "Well, it's a peaceful life to just knit and drink coffee with no technology no noise, and actually I have Max Keiser just a click away for all of that!" 
then we laughed at my cleverness.

The Traffic

While life happens sometimes all at once, the noise of everything takes my breath away at times....
I stand still for as long as I can.
I cry for as much as I want.
I laugh loudly whenever it's possible. 
I get it. 
I know it, for Nothing not a single dollar bill can give us back our youth or our time, it's just up to us in our choices for what is important. 
I'll hope to choose for what makes me smile and tip my hat towards a good life, well lived.
I understand it in myself very clearly on what I count as success, so while not everyone will agree or feel at peace as I do for my simple life. 
I am proud of every single breath I have taken, every adventure I have enjoyed.

I now stand still to say "Slow down world. Slow down for it will always be there, something to do and something to see. Be still in the perfect second of time."


In our life stories we are learning as we live, as we are.  It's important to never forget we are all on the same road of life  together.......
which means we should drive very carefully, ALWAYS.

OneRepublic, Seeb - Rich Love

Sometimes it's all summed up in a song, oh how I remember.....
I can remember back then it was so very important to me just to be together and it still is however my social list has changed and I can't get certain people back into my life ever again..........

I arrived to pure happiness when I turned 30 that I realize now just how rich love is all I will ever want for the rest of my life, so maybe I should get back to dancing like I use to?

Maybe I shouldn't try to stay back there in time and make this day the best dance possible?

Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

When I realized that I live in the mystic my whole life changed. I was not yet 30 years old when I realized this.
So now I live in a place that is both magical and mystical at all times.
It's why I was always asked back then by even completely strangers I met walking through the mall "Where do you get your happiness? That beautiful smile of yours?" I would wonder myself as I laughed or smiled even bigger at their question. It was common back then when I met people face to face that I always greeted them first with a smile.

It's impossible to stay the same person at any year of our lives so when a trauma happens or when a sadness grabs us we should learn to never be afraid to smile as big as we can! Even in tears as seeing them often can comfort us, that first smile is very important to give forth such joy or hope in all things!
and so I know where my happiness comes from, I could answer that common question of my 20's better as I round the corner to 40.
"I live in the mystic, I am never alone in my heart as I live through all things, as I embrace the magic of knowing what is really important for my time, for my life."

I smile through tears, I smile through laughter and I respect such real fear that out there into the mystic I have no factual answers just hope and joy for the wonder of it all!

Joey+Rory - When I'm Gone

It's been a sad week after Grandma's lovely funeral, after this rain and cold coming in, I know such sadness all to well by now....I think it hurts to face real life, real death and real loss of people we once thought would always be here with us.

......this has been the year of tears.