Grandma Beth

         The night before Thanksgiving as I had the windows open and the music playing I twirled around in my kitchen with the whole day in the kitchen baking up a storm, It had been such an emotional day for me as I tied on my apron and rolled up my sleeves for all the baking I had on my list to do.
"How can I ever create a Happy Thanksgiving ever again?" I asked myself as I cried, as I took a deep strong breath of morning fresh air and began to distract my grief into cooking. The end result was I made a ton of food, I simply never wanted to slow down and never wanted to stop cooking getting ready for the next day when my family came for Thanksgiving as one year ago we had all arrived here with Derek in charge of the big family meal. my heart will always hurt and I will always miss him...especially on Thanksgiving now. "Dear Derek, I miss you so much, I wish you were here along side me again cooking together and chatting it up!" I proudly rolled out my pie dough to place his huckleberry peach filling he left in the freezer to bake up in honor of him. 

 Grief is a process and takes time to be comfortable again with the new information that someone we loved has died.
For me the day before Thanksgiving was painful and I cried so hard, so long then I put some of my favorite songs on and I sang at the top of my lungs!
Then soon I was dancing with flour and sugar flying out every where around me, I was happy again after thinking of what a good day with family I will make for tomorrow, I am very thankful for my family, my 3 young brothers are now young men so I want to know who they are now. What are their passions, their lives stories and ideas are!
Joy comes to us in pain.
For me it was 5 baked pies and 10 pounds of mashed potatoes along side cole slaw, cranberry sauce, and smoked salmon dip. I was putting my grief into baking and making foods.
When Tony got home from work the house was wide open to the world outside all the pets were worn out from chasing the ball or being outside so much in the warm weather. I had Christmas music on for the evening that he laughed when he arrived "I should of known you would sneak in the Christmas music for Thanksgiving!" 
I explained how I delighted in the hope of the holidays, I need all the help I can get to be in the present moment of joy.
It always seem like everything is perfect and peaceful just before more sad news.
I looked around joking with my husband and peeling potatoes into the nice warm fall night, he kicked back to watch our favorite Thanksgiving movie "Trains, Planes and Automobiles." with cats and dogs cuddling him and I worrying over the potatoes, I looked out my kitchen windows and froze for a moment as I had a thought "Goodbye Grandma." 
 I saw Grandma Beth outside in a faint shadow waving at me  like she was proud to see me there cooking away for my big family. She knew what a delight it was to bring all 7 of her kids together over the years tooo.
Then suddenly I jumped to the sound of Tony's cell phone ringing back in his office. He didn't move from his comfortable place watching the comedy.  
"Tony Honey, You need to go answer your phone." I waited he didn't reply so I said again "Tony please get up and go answer your phone because your Grandma Beth has died."
 He looked back at me automatically saying "Don't be crazy." then he looked at me over his shoulder suspiciously as I was already crying and saying "Dear, Dear Grandma Beth."
 My husband looked at me sideways and in alarm for my sudden burst of tears just as my own phone rang as I saw my mother-in-law Jo Ann was calling and I told him "Yup, it's your mother." He turned off the movie and sat there looking alarmed. I answered with "I'm so sorry Mom. I know it's hurts so much to loose your mother." She burst out "How did you know!?!?" I explained that I was peeeling potatoes right then and felt myself saying "Goodbye Grandma."

We ended that late late night just before hosting Thanksgiving in tears and in stories of Grandma Beth.
It was cozy in the candle light and warm blankets on the couches.
   I was already for the holiday with every dish made and my list done.
       Tony said "Well let's make my Grandma proud and have a great day full of family and friends tomorrow!" and so we did.

The ballet was so magical and so beautiful I was left in such awe and wonder of it all as Grandma Beth sat beside me, she said "This isn't easy to understand at all, do you know what it's about?" 
I chuckled and leaned into her explaining what I did know as I joked back "It is hard to follow. yet it's sure beautiful." She patted my arm saying "I am so glad you are here honey or I be completely lost." I whispered a lot of details for her as she kept asking me "Now what just happened?" 

We ended that lovely event with me dropping her off at her lovely home and I realized how she wasn't ever going to be driving herself around anymore or at least shouldn't be driving because it was easy to see how confused she was becoming. We had dressed up and we gone to this classy event, I kept my arm around hers for most of it all as she would explain how nothing looked as she remembered it. For being so beautiful Grandma was a natural, sweet thoughtful person and I was delighted to be there for her on that starry night at the ballet.

The Truth in this Society

        It's has been on my mind for weeks now, the Heroes of Hollywood fall. The News reporters on the front lines for us fail, and the next generation steps in to sweep the floor of all these old hats and old pervy ways in our society. For women have been standing up and fighting against the sexual harassment all of their lives no matter their ages they ALL have a story to share about this very topic of sexual abuse, harassment or inappropriate behaviors. It's not right, It's been apart of our society for such a long time. It makes us women strong in supporting each other and talking about how to handle the next man who invades your personal space.

These big shots in Hollywood are not getting away with it anymore and that gives me comfort among all the uncomfortable information in the News. 
It's good to have a zero tolerance for bad behavior. If men behave badly then they loose their jobs and their power, following through on not allowing these abuses to continue is very important.
As much as I am annoyed by the constant sexual abuse story one right after another these days in the news coverage, I am reminded of something I heard a few years ago "How do we live and survive in a rape culture?.....We teach our children that You DO NOT RAPE. That is where the change in our society begins." I had chuckled and nodded when I heard this thinking it makes perfect sense to me then I said "So now we have to wait for all the older perverse creepy men to died off in order for us to rebuild our society? I can't wait that long, I want to stand up and shout it out into the streets "This is Wrong! Rape is Wrong! And I am here to kick some asses right now on this issue!"

In one of my most favorite TV drama series "Jericho." the daughter of Mr. Hawkins asked him "Is he a good guy or a bad guy?" her father replied back over his shoulder at her stating "Baby. there's no such thing." I smiled in agreement, it will always be apart of us in how we behave, in what we choose right or wrong, good or bad, we can fight back at any time and always even if we are being bullied or sexually abused we have the strength within us to stop these bad things and change the world for the better!

READ THIS FROM JON KATZ

"I see that the real heroes here – the only heroes – are the women who overcome their fear and misplaced shame to speak out."

Eva Cassidy - Autumn Leaves

Yesterday morning early and cold I brewed our coffee and care over the pets then Tony came to sit a moment in his sadness.
I have seen him change so much in this year about the topic of death that he can not avoid now as his Grandma Beth Wilson was being buried at the VA cemetery.
I drank my coffee with him in our quiet dim lit living room with my fake candles flicking at us as we prepare for the long day of sadness.
I said to him "You look very good, very grown up in Cousin Henry's hat. It's so good to have him in our lives for advice and true style." I giggled and Tony replied "Wish I could have him by my side in every funeral I have to face." I smiled big knowing that my dear sweet cousin Henry has been a life saver for us in this very difficult struggling year.
We left our home in hats and gloves, in thick dress coats and that 9 am morning sun light made my eyes tear up as we parked for the surrounding ceremony of family as Grandma's casket was displayed.
It hurts like hell whenever someone dies but as Grandma's Sister hugged me while crying she said "I just can't seem to stop, I am sorry but your smile is so comforting, Thank you." I leaned to her beautiful face that looks so much like Grandma Beth and I said "She was your Sister.  Cry freely, cry forever. You will always miss her." my own pain, my own loss of how this all feels simply rolled silently down my cheeks as I supported her in another big hug.

When Tony's cousin Kasey Moulton gave her speech in the church service I was so impress that this young woman feels her Grandmother's death so purely, so wisely. It's not fair that she is so young, when I was 22 years old going this very same thing that I feel like she should have been given more years with her Grandma Beth. 
                          Then again life isn't fair or exact for any of us.
My Mother-in-law Jo Anne was saying "Poor Debby, she needs a break from all of this, She sure had quite the year of funerals." I chuckled and said "I know...right?"  Then I began wondering why it's been such a sad year, perhaps living a life with love allows for more and more people to fill my life, create my stories and be apart of me when they die?

Tomorrow will be a day of tears, a day at home to feel so sad but I will always keep my door open to someone new who needs a hug.
The future can't be feared for how many more loved ones I may have to say goodbye to in the end, every new season holds new life and new hope for honoring all of those who leave us behind on the earth awhile longer. We live with love bravely, we move forward under the falling leaves of the trees....

Coldplay - Gravity

After a busy day downtown Boise in the warm sunshine, the clear blue sky and easy walk over to the Festival of Trees, where Mom and I strolled around all the decorated and donated trees. I describe everything different and clever. We never had to stand or wait in line for anything so that was impressive to me as well since my mother doesn't like to wait for anything.....
She had her apple cider and I had my coffee for a break in the yearly holiday event surrounded by Christmas music and the Candy land gift shop.
Mom was hoping to get me to take her shopping for those Black Friday Sales. I have never done this with her before or even after her stroke so I said if we drive by a store then yes I would take her inside.
It was such a perfect good weather day that pushing her around was easy and using the bathroom is easy because I packed everything in the way we need it at her first request!
I sang a lot of Christmas music and made sure she was ready leave the Festival by her own choice. I like shopping with her now ever since my Father said if Mom wants to buy something just let her, she doesn't have a budget or a limit. I use to try and keep her from over spending or over doing her Christmas gifts with a lot of suggested debates on prices. Now I simply say "Sure! do you just want to one or 2." She loves it, she chuckles at me as I hold up whatever she requested to purchase, she says back at me "I only need one." I nod and smile thinking shopping like this is by far more relaxing then in all the last 6 years of trying to keep her in a sense able budget.
I stroll my mother around Target on our way home from the Festival of trees wondering to myself "What is money but annoyance to distract us from just enjoying being together?"
My father is right to just let my mom buy whatever she wants when she wants it because it's never more important then being with her in a light hearted way and seeing her enjoy herself so much.
It wasn't bad being in the store in the late afternoon on Black Friday, all the employees looked exhausted but the lines were low and the whole store was a huge mess.....for we had missed that early morning rush! I feel for the retail world during the holidays, it's a crazy world of shopping that a whole generation lives for.......I was just a kid when I realized it was a very bad day to ever go shopping all of these "Black Fridays."
Mom and I strolled through the store, she gave me a list of how she use to get such great deals on this day, I always smile as I listen for shopping was my mother's clever hobby back before her stroke and now it's her favorite pass time after.
We stayed up that night till midnight watching "Miss Fisher's murder Mysteries." I was rather tired suddenly so I got her to bed in my adorable cozy guestroom. She wanted to lay on her good side in bed so she went to the other side of bed away from me. She was sleeping for 20 minuets there as I locked up the home and cared over my pets. I was asleep the moment my head hit my pillow then she called out for me, I was right back up by her side as she said sleepy that she wanted to go back to the couch it was easier there to get comfortable. I helped her stand up and I moved away from her with her pillows in my arms to transport them back out to the living room when she rounded the corner of bed from me I stood waiting to walk more beside her yet she tripped or lost her balance. I was watching her fall and helplessly throw my pillows from my arms into the floor then slid to catch her. I shouted "Mom! Watch out! OH NO!" I was grateful she fell into the soft guest room chair instead of the sharp window corner. She went face first into the chair then bounced back to the floor with me under her supporting her back and shoulders "TONY!" I called out as I held her in place asking "Is your leg broken, are you bleeding? Can you breath? Can you feel your toes? Is a rib broken?" I was shaking and thinking fast as Mom said "Don't wake up Tony, let him sleep...I am fine." I said "You fell Mom, I need his help for sure." He took my place holding her up against her back as I jumped over the bed to help her from the front. We went down the check list of possible injuries and Tony explain if a rib was broken we can't do anything about that, so we'll find out as we move her back up because it will hurt like hell to breathe. I quickly put her knees together and advise everyone that on my count of 3 we were going straight up onto her feet all together. I held her feet side by side with my own feet and legs then she gave me her good strong hand to help pull her up into my arms where I held her fully. Tony pushed up from his place in the room then once she was back up we carefully made our way back to the living room couch. He was very impressed by me and how quickly I went to work getting my mother back up her feet again, she was going to sore, and bruised for sure!
It would of been impossible all by myself to get her up again, it shook me up so much that I didn't ever go back to sleep again for the rest of the night.....I felt very responsible.
I was made humble by the fact I use to think I was so strong with huge wide arms, yet when something like this happens, I see myself small and weak, I see myself letting gravity win over me!
Sadness is so very heavy, it has changed me completely.
I hurt for my mother when ever she tried to walk and moaned in her pain, if I tried to help her then touch her new big purple bruise I would feel so bad.
Tony reassured me that I had done everything right, that my mother's fall wasn't my fault, wasn't from my neglect but I still felt bad for being so sleepy headed to not think over how she could get out of bed safer.....
Tony said "You are good at letting your mom know everything you are doing and why, she doesn't like to wait for anything so even when you tell her that you will be right back to her, she doesn't like that so don't beat yourself up. I have never seen anyone stay cheerful under such a demanding mother." I cried.
He hugged me and I said "It terrified me to watch her fall! I was so helpless!" He chuckled back in his reply "No you weren't, you slid under her and throw those pillows out to help her fall safer. You knew how to lift her straight up and get her to safety again, you never lost it, you are one of the strongest people I know." I cried again.
It hurts us all to see our own parents get hurt, to see them struggle or have pain.
I was worried all morning caring for my mother who just wanted to go home since she fell at 1 am, while we wait to gather her stuff up till 10am I was by her side and watching her carefully for any signs of broken bones. "I just can't believe you fell Mom." she replied back "I don't know what I could of tripped on, but I thought I could just grab the wall to steady myself but then suddenly wall wasn't there." I  nodded trying to think back to my racing heart beat in seeing her loose her balance from holding her cane to trying to grab the wall and then my arms flying up to grab her in mid-flight.

Gravity is a real thing, it taught me just how fast it can win over the situation at any time......

Stay Forever Young

My brother Derek and I played basketball out front of our Grandparent's house in St. Maries Idaho on that Thanksgiving week long vacation there, with the house to ourselves we went on hikes into the slopping valley and trails to the Saint Joe river.

We had 2 baby brothers in our arms as we laughed so much over the familiar land of our own childhood memories, adulthood was just a year away for me with our Sister Dana working in Papa's shop on wood making projects, she would always say to me "I don't know why you are so afraid of turning 18, if it was me then I would be planning my freedom day!" Derek and I would look at each other in alarm glancing around as if our parents would burst in on us with their anger towards our very rebel sister.

We did so much together that week, Derek and I took our brothers to the swing set at Cherry Ben one afternoon I liked driving quiet open country mountain side roads. 

At bed time Derek had his usual bedding setup in the open closet of the newly designed basement of our Grandparents home. Ever since I can remember my brother always found his own private sleep space within the closets of hotel rooms or families homes. While my sister and I were always sharing everything in those days of growing up on each other's elbow.

It was those bedtime memories I still think about from 1997 to right now I remember my puppet socks for the giggles of the little boys, in the basement we were safely tucked away from our parents. 

So we were up super late without them really knowing because we went down to bed at the 9pm as we were commanded, from the closet where Derek would listen to me telling bedtime stories and breaking out into songs for I had a usual list of bed time songs for our baby brothers every night that I could help them settle down to sing with me, sometimes Derek would sing along.

It was my idea to pile up all our pillows and bedding in the hide a bed then get way back to run fully head on from the other room by the door to wide open messy bed. It would always bring out our laughter, as we flew! And it would always wear out the little ones for bed too!

Dana stated from her own corner of the basement "If you guys get to noisy Dad will be down to tell ya to be quiet....and someone could get hurt." I chuckled back at her suggesting "you should try it! there's no way you can get hurt it's all pillows!" I ran and slid into the mountain of bedding with my feet flying!

While my 3 brothers waited in line, I came back to them laughing so much that eventually Dana joined us for we were always coming up with fun games like that in everything we did together!

Then we usually would wind down to my singing and swaying with Daren and Dougie in my arms as the night grew late I truly loved the times we were there up northern Idaho and tucked away into the lovely cozy basement full of sleeping bags and pillows, snacks and sodas we all camped out down there just fine.

When I look back in time I smile, when I live on into the future I cry.

When I think about how we struggled while growing up I think that we were given a true friendship in each other whether we realized it at the time.....

When I think about 20 years ago on this week I can still hear us laughing! Derek requested the song "One Tin Soldier." as I closed my eyes to sing all I could remember as the sleepiness of the late night calmed us all down.

I knew in the soft glow of the lamp light that I was right where I was meant to be.....
For nothing stays the same very long and I already knew that all to well back then in my heart and mind, it's why I knew how important it was to remember it all, the joy and all the adventures we had together!

The Band - Forever Young

My Favorite Moment

Since magic is apart of me in everything I do, I can say without a doubt that the scene in the movie "Fantastic Beasts and where to find them." is one of the sweetest moments in all of time!

.....When Queenie says goodbye to Jacob Kowalski......

(Since I was Queenie for Halloween this year, I discovered this drawing from the amazing movie and smiled to myself, for Love is the best kind of magic of ALL)

My Guest Room

                                       

It's always a wonderful thing to have, a guest room for visitors and cozy comfort!

It's always on my list of what kind of rooms in my house that I would want, a guest room would come first to me over an "office" and over a "Craft room." 

It's apart of my childhood staying with extended family so as I kid I can remember how important your own bed away from home is, how nice it is when people we visited had an actual guest room and extra bathroom.

My husband didn't grow up like that, he rents a hotel room without any question or doubt when visiting extended family. So I have learned so much from him in the true comfort while traveling or visiting people.

Yet when I create a Guest room I am very proud, I am very pleased to see it set up, welcoming in at any time my company.

It's important to me when my mother comes to stay with me that she sees fresh flowers in the window, that it all smells like Lavender and the lamp by her bed works for when she reads into the late night......

This has been a busy fun weekend with her here, I like how the guest bathroom isn't far from her bed, how comfortable she is on the big couch that was my brother Derek's in our living room. I told Mom that Derek and I had a lot of similar colors in our homes, it was easy to merge his things and mine together in this lovely home.....

It's a home with 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms so I get to setup my guestroom in such pretty perfection while organizing all my husband's office supplies in the next room over where he is all setup for his own privacy, his own morning coffee time away from the rest of the home.

It's a very peaceful neighborhood, very beautiful all around us!
 I use the upstairs room for extra stuff like arts and crafts with a toy box when kids visit. I hope to paint flowers up there this next spring for it's a wonderful extra bedroom, I have a reading/knitting corner up there to look out over my new home!

It's been a few months in getting settled, but my most favorite room of all is the kitchen. Of course in any home I love my kitchen but here in this floor plan I can cook in the kitchen while having company sit at the dining room table or while my mother has a cup of tea in her chair still talking to me never out of each other's sight.  

It will make the holidays so comfortable being here!

My Halloween Friends

It's crazy to remember how 4 years ago I went out into the magical beautiful Halloween night with my life long friend Tiffany and her 4 children. It was safer for her to walk with the 2 older as I walked with the 2 younger....We had such an awesome memorable night all of us dressed up!

It's crazy how different their lives are now, how grateful I was to have them over in my new home full of magic and full of great wonder!

We danced and laughed, we shared stories and we walked through a lively active neighborhood.....I have tried to see them every Halloween as they went through their parents divorced and new schools.

I love how smart their youngest kid is, my friend Shane who gives me a hug every time saying "I wish I could live here with you again." For we had one of the best summers all together in the foothills talking about bugs and the constant cuddles of my dogs on the floor with him. We had long talks about being nice and good to animals for he has a natural love for the creatures of the world. While that was the busiest summer of my whole life, I am still glad I agreed to help out my friend....she needed a safe place to regroup, her kids and I embraced the summer fully!

It's crazy how fast they are growing up, I always knew that this would happen and told their Mom all the time in case she forgot during that rough summer for her......."These days will not last long....for when they are all grown up they will be to busy for us!"

I look back at how grateful I am to have such good friends, Halloween is a holiday for the children so quite naturally I always hope to see them in any way possible!

Last year I took them to their school Halloween party and was blown away by how cool it was all setup! I enjoyed every minuet of that wonderful time of course.........

Now for this year we walked through my new neighborhood and we saw so many awesome scary things! There were groups of kids running the sidewalks all over the place and I felt so happy to just embrace the great weather of a perfect fall evening with my Halloween friends!