It was getting cold under the very bright stars above us as I looked up in surprised. It was so clear and so sparkling up through the pines trees! I took in such a scene only for a moment as I pushed my mother in her wheel chair up the ramp into our cabin.
For my happy mother was wiped out from our first day attending her ladies retreat, the worship service was still going on as the clock hit 9pm, I noticed I was feeling sleepy myself so I hugged my cup of coffee for warmth as the ladies all sang or lifted their hands, I thought to myself "Whoa, I had forgotten about the ways of the Nazarenes, this sure takes me back to visiting my Grandparents in St. Maries Idaho! How funny how familiar...nothing has changed in their songs or dialogue....it's so comforting like stepping back in time....I wish Papa Rudy would walk in with a handful of programs like usual and greet us at the door THEN I would be 7 years old again for sure!" That first night goes until midnight, the singing it self is a good hour or more as I got up a few times to stretch my legs and refill my coffee, my mother had found some of her friends from her own church, this was a retreat for all churches in the Treasure valley, I think I estimated/tried to count up to 300 women.
That first night strolling back to our cabin I looked up at the amazing magical sky thinking about how God is still a mystery, the world holds so much beauty and wonder! And it was nice that evening to hear old familiar songs of my childhood, of my once easy to believe young mind. If I hadn't learn at 3 years old I could go to hell, if I hadn't been told at 6 years old God is ashamed of me, if I hadn't understood at age 10 that God knows my very thoughts at all times then I could of been a much different person then I am today. The scary creepy judging God of my past doesn't get the last say for who I am now! I am glad there were good parts of my life growing up with songs like that, with prayers and praises to help me find my own way through religion and regulations.
The stars are the same in the sweet smell of the forest, all these years later when I no longer attend church camp... so I guess I have come to realize who ever made them isn't for me to discover, it's not for me to know for certain or I'll miss out in the pure magic of admiring and loving them just as they are!
My mother shared as we drove up to the retreat for a couple of hours, "You were the only one I could think of who wouldn't mind taking care of me over the weekend." I smiled kindly, knowing my mother can wear down even the most sweetest person at times. Her short attention span, her lack of a good night's sleep and her needs for the simplest things can make a care taker very wiped out. I had told her I would do this a few months back knowing exactly what I signed up for. It was going to be a good weekend by my own personal choice from the very start, I had all the time in the whole world for just her, this is how I am about anything and everything that I do....I make a choice in what I want to see things go down, in how I will behave and most importantly I focus on what kind of attitude I choose to have.
It helps me to remember that the time I give to others isn't about me, if I need "me time." then I will schedule it ahead to help with anything I am going through, because no one else is responsible for my well being then my own self. It's good to have support, to have friends and family remind me every so often that I can't always care for everyone in need but I have to be at peace within my own self in order to know these healthy boundaries and real respect towards others.
My mother has given me so much understanding since her massive stroke and life struggling event. I wish every single day that it had never ever happened to her. If there is a God exactly like the Bible describes, or like how all those ladies sang "I need you Lord." then I would be begging, pleading with him to heal my mother and to never of allowed this to happen in the first place.....in awe of my raw sadness I wonder how someone like my mother so beautiful, so talented and so devoted to God above everything else would be shot down to paralyzation so young?
(and if anyone says "His ways are not our own." I will reply "Well then we have nothing in common with this possible God,do we? why in hell would we ever trust someone who doesn't have our best interest at heart????" )
My mother's world came alive to me last weekend, all the praying, singing and talking about God's glory and joining Jesus in harmony. I liked serving my mother, helping her in every way like a "Lady in waiting." I joked about "Downton Abby." all the time, during one service time I had gone for a short hike about the place thinking after 45 minuets the service would be over and I could stroll my mom on out into the afternoon sunshine, I guess these worship services are more like 2 hours long...so as I came into the middle of their worshiping I was surprised to find every woman out of their chair into the front of the stage praying in a huge huddle. I realized they were praying for a lady with cancer and every hand was touching her in this huge magnetic pull clearing out all the chairs....I smiled at my mother still sitting in her wheelchair of to the side saying as I approached her "We should stroll YOU over there too! Maybe they could heal you?" My mother whispered "Don't be silly, don't cause a scene....everyone can see me in my wheelchair now." I chuckled and kissed her soft cheek as I so often do when getting close enough to talk quietly with her in private, I replied back still chuckling "Not to worry Mom, I won't ever cause a scene.....just ask Tony, I will do anything to avoid a scene in public. But hey if they are all healing people right now....I would give it a try for ya!" I smiled so big at my frowning mother, for she doesn't like sticking out in a crowd nor does she like it when people move things out of her way when we are on the move but I told her being in a wheel chair allows her to have some extra perks along the way...
"So tomorrow for your birthday we will do everything on your list!" I said happily laying head to head with Mom as we held out our books in bed, the rain was coming down hard at the 10 o'clock hour, our sleeping bags and pillows wrapped up around us as she excitedly talked on and on in her ideas for the next day. She was turning 59 years old, she was going to have her very first massage and we had learned there was a therapy pool not far from camp. I had to stop reading for a moment to realize that when my mother was 37 years old we spent a whole week in church camp, back then everything was different and I was just 16!?!? I shared "Remember when I was 16/17 those summer nights in the woods and in our cabin at night I would race in to tell you everything that was going on? Oh how I thought everything was just so exciting! the burning of the fire pit, the gossip of the ladies and the adventures of playing games in the dark! I would come in to refresh myself and let ya know where everyone was, that we wouldn't be going to bed till 3am most likely and you were always so nice about it, just reading your books in bed and listening to me so sweetly....even if you fell sleep you always left the light on in the cabin for us!" Mom listened to me share how I remembered those fun times, she added "I always wanted you kids to have fun, to feel free and to not resent your baby brothers for taking most of my time away from you older kids.....but with you, it was clear to me that you would never resent those boys for being born, you made sure to come into the cabin and help me get them into bed, reading stories and singing them to sleep before you ran back out to play in the woods with your friends....I use to think that you had a gift for caring about others, and I use to wonder why my own friends told you things about themselves that they never told me? Even when you were 16 years old people trusted you. I always wondered why we were so different." I laid side by side with my mother last weekend thinking about the past, remembering how now that I am 37 years old I could of had a 16 year old daughter too. She never told me the things she tells me now....especially about what she was thinking back then, for if I had known we would of had a better friendship, instead she was in competition with me from the moment I was born.
I love her honesty now, I love knowing her side to all of these stories we have shared.
The early morning sun was truly brilliant across the horizon as we strolled into the cafeteria, in that last morning I was drinking coffee by the gallon of course, my lack of sleep wasn't a problem really, I was just not wanting feel rushed around at all. Because the mountain air was so amazing and so relaxing I wanted to be still and enjoy it. My mother didn't want to leave, and I could see how good it had all been for her too. Singing songs and having ladies come up and hug her, enjoying good food and celebrating her birthday had made the whole weekend rather fly by!
I had watched some chipmunks play, some birds flying around and a pack of deer eat grass right beside me. I had learned to fold the wheel chair up fast in the rain, and I had fixed up my mother's hair in many cute curly ways that she got so many compliments about it and she felt so pretty all weekend long as I helped with makeup and jewelry too. We talked late into the night with our open books and pillows, we shared foods and won prizes in the silent auction! Our swimming in the pool under the bright warm sunshine or the bundling up during the long worship services in the evenings I felt like I was right where I was meant to be. I felt like all of this life is just a ghost of us, time will not hold still no matter how long a person can pray out loud (and for my tired eyes it felt good to close them for awhile like that)
.....with so much fear in this world religion compensates us.
.....with so much pain/suffering in being alive having faith comforts us.
.....with so much to still learn and figure out no one can say for sure what is going on with God.
.....with so much frustration and confusion it would be nice to have all the answers, to be from the "chosen ones." but I know that right or wrong there is only the earth that is real. There is only me to account for in my actions and in my attitude, in my love for all things I wish for a God who is good, but I will not be fooled to ever take someone else's word for it.
Because my mother lived for God in ways that sacrificed those around her, I learned how to keep my feet on the ground, showing up for my life, never leaving nor forsaking a single soul in my care, I live by a code that was inspired by the needs I had growing up, so in many ways my mother's deep devotion to God above all else taught me to let him go, to not contain nor try to control him for my own self....for if God asked of me anything that would hurt another being I would tell him NO in an instant.....a simple no will do, he would have to move on in his missions I guess...
A friend of my mom hugged me goodbye saying "You were a wonderful servant to your mother this weekend, how is it that you still have so much energy and joy?" I giggled back "My never empty coffee cup....AND I don't live in fear, people often avoid hospitals and nursing homes out of fear of what will be expected of them, there is real fear in facing uncomfortable unpredictable situations....I conquered that fear a long time ago, so I can do these things for her knowing we will all die in the end, so let's make the very best of this moment right here and now! ....and it was really good to be here this weekend too!"
I took a deep breath of that mountain high and smiled waving bye to everyone as we drove off, my mother said "Thank you for bringing me to this, I wish we could come up here every weekend!" and I joked back "Well....I would need a jet pack of coffee to sip on through out the day then...HA!"
