To The Storm

To My Life

To my Life I am amazed,
at just how much I can carry.

To my mind I am left in wonder,
at what will happen next.

To my heart I feel everything deeply,
for love is all I truly know.

To my eyes I see past so much bullshit,
for I am grateful.

To my ears I can hear and I really like to listen!

To my Life I am honored,
at the ability to just breath.

To my soul I feel a solid strength, 
at the imagination I can use.

To my hands I reach for the stars!

To my Life I am real,
at the honesty I understand.

To my feet I will dance, 
for the music plays magically.

To my back I can bend,
for nothing is to big in fixing.

To my arms I will always give a hug!

To my Life I am overjoyed,
at how beautiful the world is.

To my knees I feel the breeze,
for resting down close to the ground.

To my lips I taste, I touch and I speak out for all things to my life!

The muddy pool captured my group of friends and family as we finished the Dirty Dash here in Boise Idaho up in Bogus Basin. I felt such strength in my center core, in my layers of slippery muddy skin and braided hair. I knew each section of my body had been worked and challenged but I had never grown sick or worn down.....I did SLOW down but never felt once like quitting so deep down I knew that this was a big first for me, climbing up a mountain only to slide back down into more dirt and mud when really my Saturday mornings are usually spent shopping the farmers market or relaxing in a coffee shop! To the Dirty Dash I say that was really really FUN! To my life I respectfully enjoy living all the more!

To The Fair

This has been a busy fast pace fair schedule, I got so tired after the first week in set-up that all these daily contests and daily fun free cash games wore me out faster then usual this year!
It's fun to see all the old crew that I work with, I like everyone in my team. There is always a bit of chaos, of whose job is whose or where is this score sheet or that prize......all in all this Fair went on smoothly. I have 2 bosses that really don't think of themselves as "bosses" more like friends instead, Teresa has a very creative style, outgoing and playful always thinking up new projects, new contests and new ways to get people involved in the fair. Wendy has a very organized structure style, she loves numbers and score sheets to rate contests into first, second or third places. She is the math whiz I have learned so much from her especially in my very first year working this job when we would sit watching over the produce displays in those summer evenings writing out math problems to solve. Teresa has a very wide social circle in getting donations and prizes for these fair events that I am always driving around to pick something up, having lived in this valley my whole life I can zip right into a place with no thought at all in how to get there. Year after year the contest department has grown better and better which is where we work the most once the Fair starts. Originally we are all in Agriculture, decorating, checking in, judging, setting out ribbons then cleaning the whole place for the public to view over the following 10 days.
    The Fair is such a fun experience, it really comes down to whatever choice you make it actually but the over all feeling for me is such amazement! I get to be both out front and behind the scenes with my job. I get run through the whole fair, watch demos and short skits, I get to dance to the live music or find the best place for foods. I also take a break drinking ice water in Western Town watching the sunset with my co-worker friends. Each day is a theme for an afternoon contest, we keep very busy in the AC building then we sometimes have enough energy to make it to the main stage for a big concert or to carry a big beer. 
There is a fun sense of community, lots of hard work in laughter and sweat. We all like working with each other even supporting each other when they need a break or a day off at random. I enjoy all the farm animals and livestock, usually take my time reading and looking over every stall. Then in the cool dark evenings if I am still there I walk through the rides to see what is new and to be "In the know" even if I don't ever ride one. I have a few really favorite treats that I only get at the fair, I have a few friends scattered through the space of land so I can cover quite a bit of walking. This year flew by and kept me super busy! I am always making notes of what to improve for next year and even though sometimes the public can be overly crowded or annoying I still think the Fair takes me back to being a kid growing up here, saving my money all summer long to have some fun for that one full day when we came to play!
To the Fair it was a good year, I spent sometime on my own remembering how year to year we never know what will happen......yet there is comfort in the familiar same displays and tasty grilled chorizo!

My Dad told us kids to sit in the dark shaded grass on the side of the Expo Building it was the summer I was 9 years old, our Mother was lost in viewing homemade quilts, so we waited. Dad continued to drink his huge icy cold coke looking annoyed at all the people passing us by. We kids had been really hot and began complaining a bit, which also annoyed him easily so he snapped "Be quiet, sit still." I was really thirsty so I took a chance in approaching him "Can I have a drink?" He rolled his eyes "Nope." I asked again "But I am thirsty, why can't I have a sip?" Dad pointed to the garden hose hanging out from the side of the building. "There's some water right there." We kids all looked over at it in discuss and surprised that it was there. I mumbled "It's smells like cow poop!" Dad looked so pleased with himself drinking his soda and shrugged at us explaining "Well you must not really be thirsty then." The hot August summer time sun shine was blazin' across the sky we stayed close to the shade of the building. I felt a bit of frustration building up inside as I said back to my father very boldly "But I am REALLY thirsty!" He grinned holding his cup close to his chest stating back "Well, if you have your own money then go buy a soda, if not then just drink from the hose. I work for my money so I get to enjoy this." He motioned to his coke cup again. My mouth burned inside for the taste of that liquid sweet coldness as we took turns sipping out of the hose I thought long and hard over how in the world could I get my OWN money?!?!? 
It was the beginning of my savings plan for next year, Because I knew that I would NOT be going around miserable and thirsty ever again!

To Remember

"Benny! Oh my god the Styx concert was AWESOME last night at the fair!" I said with excitement in the very next morning through my cell phone. I chatted with my best friend as I was watering my front yard while trying to carry my cup of coffee as well. It was a late hot August day in 2012 and I had just walked Benny through my new home the week before. "ALL I could think of was YOU should have been there with me! It was crazy and fun!" I exclaimed again Benny chuckled on the other line "Well I'm sorry I missed it then." I began again while sipping from my coffee mug "I have an idea NEXT YEAR you will come stay in my guest room I will have it all moved in by then, so we could go to the fair together stay out so late and dance so much!" Benny was still chuckling back at me "You are always trying to setup your "guest room" in every house you live in, I thought Tony didn't like guests?" I snorted back saying "He likes me, so when I have company he'll go along with it. beside everyone should have a guestroom!" Benny replied "What dates are the fair next year? I would really like to spend the whole day with you and go to a concert like that! After all life is short right?" I laughed out loud thinking about how we were going to have such a great time next summer then! 
Last night I was reminded once again over how I am back to these fair concerts in that beautiful golden purple sunset of the last days of summer.....August never came for my Benny Girl and I miss her so much!!! 

And then there is my guestroom right now so nicely setup 
and so sadly still.

To Learn

When it comes to dogs my world is completed. I don't need anything new, don't desire to even care how I look nor be somewhere else. I feel so happy, so at peace and so in control of my time, with a dog I am the protector, the giver and the teacher. I am also the student, the grateful one in which the dog has chosen to be with!
I had to share this blog post it made my morning! It's been awhile since I shared from my favorite author as well;

http://www.bedlamfarm.com/2013/08/19/what-training-is-about/ 

To Better Days

   

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child who saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

To be Inspired

Maybe I can learn to play the drums like this?

To Pity

When I think of my life, I have noticed a pattern of pity forming for all of my great loss or of all my great dramas.....How can one as young as I am be overwhelming changed so much? I want to be goofy, care free and clueless. Yet my actual real life scenes are far from playful and silly. I can be happy again but when I ask "Why did these things happen to me so early in my life?" My self-pity grows and grows.......I feel like maybe when my elderly years have arrived I will be able "play" again, but for right now I have to walk through some very heavy shit........It's easy to think I am all alone here,yet I know that I am NOT. 
It's easy to question everything in order to find a reason over WHY me...but then I can also ask WHY NOT me? Am I so special that bad things don't befall my happy seeking soul? 
I want peace more then laughter, I want wisdom more then youth and I REALLY hope to not take ALL these events of painful struggle so personal, for my pity will come and go........I know. 
I like to think that there is a great wind of time ready to change everything once again. Even though I've been afraid to step out my front door lately, because of this unknown breeze which gives and take away such life. To pity my losses or to bravely begin again? That is my main question lately.......

 I know It's important in how much I need to start understanding in order to move beyond such self-pity and return to that brave strength I've admired which allows me to enjoy all things in life once again.

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky.   - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/30398/#sthash.haDkRdad.dpuf

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky.   - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/30398/#sthash.haDkRdad.dpuf

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky.   - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/30398/#sthash.haDkRdad.dpuf

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky.   - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/30398/#sthash.haDkRdad.dpuf

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky.   - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/30398/#sthash.haDkRdad.dpuf

To Love

To The Dreams

It's been over a full year now of living in my cozy farm house. When my best friend Benny walked through it last summer after most of the unpacking was done she asked "Isn't this place bigger then your cottage next door? Even the back yard seems much better too?" I shrugged as I explained to her how weird it is not being able to talk from any room and be heard. Benny chuckled "You are so funny Deb, more bedrooms or space doesn't ever impress you I have noticed. Yet  you go on and on about the yard, You like being outside more then anyone I know! This place is still so new I get that, but you'll have it down soon to look like your own space. I really like it!" Benny was right about how I needed time to create my own cozy place, This lot is huge, surrounded by trees and bushes, of gardens here and there. With the fire pit and the patio I keep myself very busy. In th middle of June I called Benny "It's an AMAZING nice summer evening! I have my 32 0unce of gin&tonic thinking of YOU! Tony is out with the guys playing pool being kinda silly,I wish you were here with me in all this girlie gossip! I even made a flower vase of my roses out here too...." Benny chuckled "Sounds like you've made this house your home....I knew you would." I thoughtfully reply "Once I stop thinking of it as my neighbors home, I came around." Benny asked "What have you planted into your garden?" I chuckled "only seeds of everything, I have the tightest budget ever right now, ironic really....." Sitting into the summer sun set talking to my best friend was so much fun, I watched the trees move in the breeze listening to Benny. She explained "I want a house like yours big and roomy, maybe even a bit older here in Chicago....I don't know though." I watched the dogs and cats move about the grass in the backyard as I sat with the phone to my ear. "I really wish you were HERE...like old times summer evenings chilling out, talking. Tony has been restless lately where as I never want to leave home right now" Benny chuckled "Sounds normal to me...." We laughed together, we gossiped some more and caught up on all our plans to meet up in 2 more weeks. My home was glowing against the orange sun light in the cool summer breeze, It wasn't going to be a June I ever liked in the end with the rain and winds, with the sudden freeze and all the other events canceled or changed....it was a June unlike any other......in the last week of that month Benny died and I was left to wander the world outside in a daze, in complete useless strength.
My dreams give me an escape, It's been over a whole year now of dreaming that I live in a "tree house". Funny but true, this place becomes a tree house in my deep dreams every single time!

Perhaps because when I look out any window or door there is a tree trunk or some branches, there is this endless sense of being on a small farm when I step into my big backyard.
I love my dreams, I want to stay there in them almost every morning I wake.....because things make sense in my dreams I get to have long conversations and feel connected to everyone in my dreams better then in real life.....This idea of living in a tree is both crazy and clever!
I can recall the very first tree house dream I had when my new landlord Alex asked me if I could climb a rope latter to the front door everyday......rather odd I thought to live so high up in the sky but yes I could! I had to think of ways to make an elevator for the rest of my family of course, somehow in my dreams we tried to build a lift to get others up into the house with us safely, my dreams began on the first night I slept here this whole tree house idea stays with me as real as any old day in my life. Not very many people put much stock into dreams I have noticed, but I really cling to mine for meaning, I want to live in my deep sleep dreams more and more the older I grow. I want to ask why do I live in a tree house? What does that symbolize for me? Why must I always be rescuing animals and people from down below? In my dreams my best friend is always still alive, I have open honest conversations with my father that would otherwise never actually unfold. In my dreams I feel so safe, so secure and so loved, then at times panicked because the rest of the world needs a tree house too! In my dreams life feels excitedly magical, romantic and amazing because no matter who I am dreaming about we are very close in all conversations.....
Here's one tree house dream;
My sister snorted and rolled her eyes "My kids just colored on the wall, I had to take the tire swing down because they are being such brats." She blew cigarette smoke out from the branch we both sat on, I smiled back "Who cares? It just crayon I can paint over the wall when they leave....don't take down my favorite swing!" My sister Dana looked at me annoyingly stating "You just don't get it." I woke up realizing it's been maybe almost 3 years since my sister and I have talked like that.
I love my dreams while living in this home, for it takes me up, up into a big old tree of magical proportions!
Each dream is teaching me something, challenging and helping me come to peace with all my inner thoughts and ideas.
Often the way life is and the way my dreams unfold don't match up very well. Perhaps that is why I am always paying attention after I wake to ask what's it all about? This huge tree house where I go whenever I sleep?

To The Sky

To the End

When I stopped still this morning I cried, lately all I do is feel sad. Maybe it's still in me on how I miss my Benny Girl, but it's so much more as well......the sense of being lost is growing in me. I have no tolerance for annoying people, no tolerance for the rushing time pushing upon my own life span. I'm seeking profound movies, profound books and TV shows...spiritual and uplifting with deep raw emotions I am not wanting any of my own silliness......I have a desire to seek out people with depth.
I am not at the end of my life just the end of a chapter, but I keep repeating the scene from "The Sopranos" When Tony meets with his Psychologist addressing some of his depression, He says it so perfectly on how I feel right now;  

"It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over."-Tony Soprano

Perhaps living with a sense of loss brings those thoughts that the way life once was for others back in the day was somehow more promising, more inspiring for it was the beginning of invention.
Right now we have poor food choices, lack of sleep and constant consuming or spending of money which leaves us as a society dripping in oil, and in blood. 
I can see what I don't want to be, I just can't feel inspired to start up something new right now....this has me a bit worried for I use to like reaching for the stars in everything I choose. yet I am noticing in myself a huge frustration to face the new days ahead. It could all be avoidance, I don't want to hurt anymore. 
To the end I will keep walking on, helping people up who tripped or fall beside me, I will not chase after those who don't like me and will still learn to not avoid or be so afraid of this familiar deep pain. 
In my joy of laughter and in my vibrant unconditional love I will be always aware of how short life is, of how grateful I am to be apart of this simple moment. 
To the end I am still myself as from the beginning of my first breath, only sometimes now I am sitting down instead of flying on these much stronger butterfly wings.

To Lay still

To Belong