It's the Goodbye

June 26 was like a foggy dream to me.........
The heat was on, the sun was blazin'.
The downtown Nampa scene was like any other day......
But my time had stopped.
I was lost, I was found, I was actually just talking to myself.....

I bought an ice coffee and sat awhile in flowing soft tears.....for on this day..... with ALL of my years gathered here in this one afternoon.............
I was never ever going to be the same.
I stumbled over how to say it out loud,
there was no way to really explain it best.....A final goodbye is simply that,
FINAL and GOODBYE.

Yet there's nothing GOOD in such a word.
Nothing more to do in such a change.
I found some shade, I found some shops,
my mind raced on over how to avoid, over how not to deal......with ANY of this!
yet that has never my best skill to simply hide away all day, I have to speak out loud and I have to share with those around.

For in all honesty I had never hurt nor felt such pain like this before......

I sob, I laughed, I visited and remembered when........
I went to those spots as if to find her, as if to make sure I hadn't passed by her.......
Dear Benny Girl Where are you?!?!??!?

June 26 took away my best friend........I was struck down in my great lost, to my life's end in our old plans and I think that now one month later............ that maybe I am finally making my way out of that foggy day.

Benny Lee Totter Reasch, 31, passed away at her home in Twin Falls Monday evening, June 26, 2013.

Benny was born September 9, 1981 in Caldwell Id., the second child of John and Gail Totter. Bright and energetic as a child, Benny graduated from Caldwell High School in 1999, and then moved to Oklahoma to attend school at Heartland Baptist College. She attended Treasure Valley Community College beginning in 2002, where she met her future husband Matt Reasch. She later went to the College of Southern Idaho. Benny had just recently begun a new career in Accounts Receivable for milk products at Glanbia, who is opening a new office for the United States in Chicago, where Benny was looking forward to living.

She loved listening to music, particularly Grateful Dead or Tom Petty. She enjoyed reading, doing crafts and raising her two children, Hannah, age 9 and Mika, age 6

It's the Goodbye I can't seem to say out loud.....But I will say that I shall miss you Benny Love....in this forever part of time.

Teach Me

        "TODAY I am FINALLY 30!!!" I grinned proudly at my 50's style image looking back from the mirror. It was a delightful charming party, one with wine glasses and cheese platters, my mother-in-law was glowing, greeting all my girlfriends and ordering everything. It was a perfect event!
     My best friend Benny had sat beside me joking around and meeting the other ladies of my family. She was happy to see everyone getting along, even my co-workers swinging by and old friends meeting up again. It wasn't such a big party just very classy......For I have been ready to be 30 all of my life!
The very next morning Benny called me to chat it up but she also sounded worried, "Hey Deb, it was fun yesterday to hang out and you should be REALLY proud that both mother-in-laws showed up because I don't think I would want to go where my ex-husband's wife is......but they must really like you in order to share." I chuckled back sitting in my cozy chair with a cup of coffee. "thanks for coming Benny! I was so VERY proud to have you there too." She continued worriedly "I was watching everyone and your sister-in-law is NOTHING I had pictured, didn't you say you both go out for coffee every week right now? because she is......well okay last night I thought about this before I said it, I know you love everyone in Tony's family and have been helping her get to know everyone from what you were saying it was like you girls were good friends but yesterday when I met her she didn't seem to even know you every well in fact she was a total bitch. I say this in complete honesty for you I know you will know what I mean." 
I let out a choke of laughter "Anyone who meets her says this also, no worries I know what you are referring to but she isn't like that with me, so don't worry we all want her to feel like she is part of the family....it takes time for her to trust anyone."
Benny hesitated "Well....I thought she said some very hurtful things about you in her sarcastic jokes I think her true meaning flew over your head because you are so bubbly and  you are good to everyone...."
I interrupted "It seems like Ive been doing this so much lately, defending and explaining her behavior so that people can see what I see."
Benny sighed "Okay, so what do you see in your sister-in-law that no one is seeing?" 
I sat up setting my coffee down, "I see a girl coming into this family where we have such a strong good friendship, she feels left out if not ignored."
Benny chuckled "You don't think that is so silly of her? because I know your father-in-law he is Awesome! loves his 2 boys more then they deserve! hahahahahaha"
I joined into her laughter "It's always the awesome kind loving parents whose kids think that is the way it is everywhere, I've been telling those boys over and over how lucky they are to have such a good father like him!"
Benny continued "Those boys are so spoiled and so loved by both parents that they won't get what you are saying Deb, I think the reason you love Tony's family so much it that you don't have a family like that so you come from a different story..."
I explained excitedly "That's right, just like my sister-in-law comes from a different family, she would love to see us all getting along as good as her own, this is why she challenges us, corrects us and warns us on how "click-ish" we all are. She wants to be respected is really the bottom line. I think it's why you got a bad feeling about her yesterday at my party."
Benny sighed again "I love ya Deb, for ya never want to think badly about anyone. I've seen you go out of your way to help many people who didn't deserve it. So naturally when you get hurt by these selfish people I get so mad and want to protect you! THIS is one of those times, listen I am not out to ruin your relationship with your sister-in-law everything is still so new having her in the family but I will warn ya that I got a very bad feeling while chatting with her yesterday, She doesn't really like you at least not as much as you like her.....so listen to me carefully Be careful around her, for you shouldn't trust her." 
I sat quietly listening, this was a common topic among other people who worried over how she was treating me. I guess I wanted to believe she was just misunderstood, that deep down she needed a good friend is all.
I spoke softly "I love ya too Benny, I am really glad we have the kind of friendship you can warn me and tell me what you honestly think! I am sure it will all work out in the end that my sister-in-law will not feel so threaten by me anymore, because all I want is to be friends in this shared family. Yet it is always so cute how you watch over me, I will keep this conversation in mind and remember to not always put myself out there....but it's against my nature to not be there for others." Benny chuckled again saying "I know! We both could teach each other a thing or 2! like how I need to be more open, positive and trusting, and You need to be more guarded, even aware of how mean people really can be."

It came to pass that Benny's warning on the day after my 30th birthday was spot on in how mean my sister-in-law could really be, but I had to live through the whole thing in order to grow stronger and wiser from it. And I fund out what I am really made of in the end, I know how to forgive and let go.......to see how life has so much to teach me!

My best friend was one of a kind! .....and I shall grow all the more wiser having known her, having had her insight and protection. Her honesty and laughter was so rare in this world of mind games, of manipulation, even betrayal. I am extremely honored to have sat with her awhile, to have lived arm in arm through out our life stories!

Share with me

            It was late into the night when I stopped working and set back to the corner I made of my best friend and all her favorite things that I had found through out the day, along side the soft glowing lamp that comforted this corner of the basement I sat there to cry and chat with my Benny Girl.
I also had hoped it would be a comfort for everyone else coming and going in the clean up and packing party as well......
The idea had just came to me while working, I felt Benny would have liked this display, done completely in the "traditional Debby style"
For she was more to me then any family member, a best friend with a heart of gold and true acceptance. I never once doubted our friendship, our sisterhood for it was as strong as when we first met back in Caldwell Idaho. I sat lost in her conversations as if she were still alive, I smiled to myself at how we did so much together over the 15 years.....Just last summer I jumped in her car for the 3 hour rode trip up to drop her daughter off at church camp, how I also stayed with Benny when she visited elderly grandparents in the VA hospital. She was a customer the day I was promoted to be the Produce manager, I saw her in that crowd as they pinned my new name tag I race off to hug her and she bewildering replied "WOW talk about perfect timing! Congrats on the new title guess all those fruit stand days paid off!" She was also there for lunch in the last time I ever met my mother in Boise at random. We had to cover for each other quickly when accidentally mentioning the last Harry Potter movie coming as my mother's face harden into disapproval. I even slipped out how fun the next day's pride parade was going to be as my mother went to the restroom Benny was giggling so much "Debby, you are so cute trying NOT to talk about current events that you know your mom doesn't like I can tell you forgot how she thinks then catch yourself toning it down, but I really think your mom has come a long ways in trying to understand your world more....I mean don't get me wrong she is really stuck on her own ideas but at least she wanted to have lunch with you today, 10 years ago she would NOT have done this...." I nodded back at Benny sitting beside me as my mother was making her way back to our girlie table, thinking to myself this lunch date was the best I could ever recall having with my mother! Here we all sat pleasantly together, me, my best friend and my mother!
Oh how grateful I was sitting there with them, taking it all in when we would laugh together in our conversations. 
(A month later my mother had her stroke and 2 years later my best friend dies)

Being grateful for right now will help you look back in such an honest raw way of delight and comfort. For through these arriving years on us the living it comes down to those tears of understanding that we were connected, that right now we still are connected to other traveling souls! What a joy to capture these moments before they go by..... 

  

Be with me

             

It was raining hard outside but I was still very determined to paint my bedroom, my husband Tony was watching Tv out in our condo's living room. I mentioned that Benny could be stopping by, he mumbled "We are NOT babysitting. I rolled my eyes back him in my clear cut reply "YOU might not be babysitting...but I don't mind!" He snorted back. "I'm serious if she leaves that baby here I'll go do some work at the office." I nodded happily agreeing "What a good idea then!" Tony was left pouting like he does at the change of plans in the lazy weekend day. Benny knew better then to ever ask Tone to babysit when all he ever did was call her daughter an "IT".....Bringing us such laughter of course and We both had clear ways to correct him pretty often, I would get pretty annoyed at my husband whose fears of babies and children was so blatantly rude at times.
When Benny arrived Tony sighed relief "Oh Good it's just you..." he stated as she questioned him further "Just me....? he explained "Yeah just you,  no diaper bag or screaming brat." I shook my head and Benny burst out laughing. Then she proudly smiled back at Tony explaining "Matt is carrying HER in after he parks the car." so it was my turn to burst out laughing and high five my best friend! 
Now I always loved having company even if it was a tight squeeze in our condo, Tony gave Benny's husband a beer they watched the game as us girls went into the master bedroom a huge place for such a tiny condo. I was in the middle of a painting project with a creamy purple color around the 2 wall of those bedroom windows, I was in my paint covered clothes and step stool as we chatted away the night. Benny was very comfortable on the big fluffy bed with her little girl napping. All in all I thought it was such a great night getting my home project done while lost in conversations with Benny. She flipped through my color wheel asking "How in the world did you come up with this awesome color? I would NEVER had thought to paint a wall this?!?" I pause thinking a moment "From Oprah." I grinned and Benny snorted back "Oh yes of course you would!" Then as I edged the window cell she asked "Why only these 2 walls?" I smiled stopping a moment "Because it so dark and really purple it would make this room feel smaller if all the walls are the same....My goal is to have these walls purple with white curtains and white picture frames to pop out then the white walls with have purple decor and off set each other." Benny nodded looking around "I really love this purple! I can't say it enough but I really want to touch it...even paint EVERYTHING with it....soooo cool!"
I laughed getting back to work "My sister says this place is turning into a rainbow reminding her of a Mexican home." Benny sat up starring at me with choke "Oh that Dana......she is a unique one! We love her though." Shaking her head and settling back down by her sweet little baby girl. Kissing Hannah's soft head was all I could in my painting hands.....The night went well past midnight, feeling like it was a slumber Benny and I talked about everything from A to Z. While Tony stuck his head in every so often hinting how late it was getting to which we girls would burst out laughing at him. Benny changed her baby's diaper as Tone appear, he squealed "OH MY GOD! NOT on MY bed! GROSS!" then he choked and hacked as all of us in the condo roared with common laughter, I simply pointed my finger at my dramatic husband demanding him "Don't puke." He race off to the bathroom for a while as Benny hurried up shaking her head. "Wonder if we should call him Derek?" I was drinking water that ended up backfiring out in my laugh, "Oh God Tony IS acting like Derek isn't he? Telling us it's getting late! I remember being so afraid Derek would tell Mom that you were a horrible influence on me! Knowing her I might never had been able to have you over!." Benny nodded "You would have found a way around it, you ALWAYS did.....my clever Debster!" After Tony appeared again looking very white and pale slowly looking to make sure the diapers were picked up. He simply stated having over heard us "HEY I am not like Derek.....GEE, DEB." Then winked at us as we exploded into squeals of annoyance of the mimicking of my brother. That was such a fun time hanging out all together, Benny asked before they took off  "Can you come out to Jerome and be with me for a week? I need help getting my home in order with having a baby and having all this stuff piling up?" I agreed happily to share all my homemaking skills with her as soon as I was free. I was left that late night thinking about the history in our lives that sharing with a life long friend makes dealing with it all so much easier!
I use to say it ALL the time "Ya Know Benny when we are old we will be able to help each other remember all these little things about right now that we could forget!" Benny would reply back in a sarcastic way "Speak for yourself Girl, I am never getting old." 

It can feel confusing right now wishing Benny could be with me!

Talk to me

     "Talk to me Benny. Tell me what's important for you while I'm here." I whispered this down her ghostly hallway as I had arrived to help her husband pack up and move out of her home. She is gone, nothing here will ever be the same, not her spouse, not her children and not even us, her friends....
"Talk to me my dear girl" emotions of deep sadness overcome me but my mannerisms were traditional in my meet and greet ways, in chit chat or in any social situation, traditional in the sense that I was there by sound of voice not really there in my head. I kept seeking a connection back to Benny, "Talk to me Lady." then suddenly she was speaking to me instantly in my heart and mind I was overwhelmed, even very surprised by everything she gave me in a simple few seconds after I sought out her spirit like that, NOW there were no stones or crystals, no ceremony just me asking her to help me know what to do next, how lost have I been without her??? When a rush of knowledge hit me in my chest I stumbled back against the wall looking into the home in awe of such clarity........then I knew always and forever she will be apart of my heart. Feeling her energy, doing that hard work in packing up her home, packing all her things gave me such a personal experience. At first I didn't want to be in charge, I didn't want anyone to pack or touch ANYTHING for this was hers, that should stay put until she comes home to tell me where it goes.......oh wait....this is it, the final moment she can't come argue with me in which boxes goes where or how we will get it to the new place....all in all this is it.
"Talk to me Benny." I say it maybe twice a day now, I smile over this thought while it helps me pause so I can notice all those little things out in the world around, like a hidden message from her for my healing soul.
This is how it was for me in helping and packing up her family to move, I saw her everywhere! ....and it left me breathless, at one moment I had to sit down in the basement to hide my tears, try to catch my struggling breath. It could be the closest thing to a panic attack that I was experiencing I don't know. That was a time in my life.....well it was unlike anything I have ever been through before!
I'm not claiming any special powers to converse with the dead, I just think that when I let myself just be, then I feel things and have thoughts that normally could have been skipped over if I was distracted and not paying attention.
Saying "Talk to me." is like saying "I'm paying attention now."
I wish she would call right now and we could talk!
I am left overwhelmingly feeling like my life is moving on from this sadness, well moving really way fast day by day, at the very same time I am thinking to myself I should push myself out of this rain cloud. I should seek change, seek out more laughter and new ideas now.....
One morning I cried because I was worried I would forget about her over time, yet here she was my best friend so really I can't forget someone like that no matter how old I will grow!
Perhaps my biggest issue in my anger emotion is that I had planned on being old with her and now I have to re-think what I once took for granted.
I am almost desperate in telling other people how NOT to take anything for granted! I guess this is my new message in my life to share, 
don't let anything get in your way of being there for others.
It is good to always have friends, to join in happy times, to support through the hard times and to say with a loving trusted heart "Talk to me."

Some Days............

My Dear girl!

So you sailed away.....into a gray sky morning.
And You were my best friend.....
I wonder if  I told you that enough?
I wonder if I told you how beautiful you always were! from the outside IN, deeply beautiful!
And I miss you......

I still laugh in remembering you braiding my hair, or helping me knit a hat while quoting Harry Potter lines together. I still laugh remembering when that cowboy guy came over asking if I played "pool" I joked looking right at you instead saying "No but I like swimming in one!" he walked away while watching us as You simply shook your head and warned me "He will teach you more then how to play pool." I leaned closer to you in surprise saying "YIKES!" then you laughed even more!

I still laugh in remembering as we ate spicy chicken while you fanned your mouth exclaiming "Hot, hot, to hot! Oh no what I am gonna do?!"
I quickly replied "Eat some cheese!
that will take away the heat!" You chewed a
couple of bites suddenly squealing "It's pepper jack cheese!"
I fell over laughing till tears filled my eyes.

And I still have tears.

I wonder if you knew that I will always
remember our friendship, and our stories?

I still laugh in remembering when we walked
down the sunny street in the cold winter's
afternoon arm in arm from my cottage. We walked to the coffee shop
and you said I was crazy to get all bundled up....instead of taking the car!
and I said it was all about the fresh air, for we had such
a good time in that long walk arm in arm as I recall!

Nothing's quite the same now,
now you have gone away forever,
I am left in this cloudy world of flooding memories, real as if they had just happened and flooding tears for my sense of deep lost. It is all so raw, so strange and every morning I want to talk to you about it, about THIS very sad time in my life...................

Only now I am left still living on here missing you my dear girl!

It's the Gin

When having sea food a gin&tonic pairs nicely.
When having a steak a gin&tonic pairs nicely.
When having BBQ ribs a gin&tonic pairs nicely.

Whenever I try a new idea for a cocktail I think to myself "Should have stuck to my gin&tonic...."

When having over company I like my gin&tonic,
When having a relaxing evening I like my gin&tonic,
When gardening or yard work is done, whenever the temperature rises I cool down with my gin&tonic!

When we go out for drinks against the summer's heat I stick to my delight over a gin&tonic!

The late afternoon had me floating a bit more then usual, I knew it would be safer if I didn't drive so i handed my husband Tony the keys sayin' "I don't think I should drive..." I was wondering how odd to feel this way it had been at least a month from my last gin&tonic so I noted back at him "Maybe it was the Gin???" He retorted "Well.....I know it wasn't the tonic!" I laughed till my sides hurt, shaking my head at how silly I really am!

Keepin' it Family

It was rather a challenge to get a bird dog like my cockier spaniel focused on a "Family photo"....In our cabin by the coast there was this huge balcony overlooking a forest like swap where the birds of a hundred variety lived.
It was creepy on the very first night to be woken up to a screeching cat fight but rather sounded like racoons to me....my husband Tony shot awake in bed exclaiming "What the fuck!?!" I chuckled with my eyes still close replying calmly "Racoons." Tone flopped back into his space "Shit! Ranger Rick over here...." I patted the dogs against my legs and went back to sleep only to hear an owl a few hours later.....
The truth was most nights there was very peaceful and lovely, but the wild life was huge! The ocean side was up the hillside and down a long trail then the shore opened up into a nook. A private feeling beach front against huge rocks and cliff side forest of trees and elk! I loved all the birds like seagulls and puffins resting out in front the summer sun light against the wind and waves.
The huge bald eagles flew down a few times but I kept my dogs close in arm when they did this, I doubt they would want to eat a 40 pound dog like Minnie but never the less those huge birds freak me out a bit.....my best friend Benny would have seen them saying "Watch out Deb! I think they see ya now!" then laugh really hard like my fear of birds was hysterical but it was more my crazy faces as I ducked into hiding exclaiming "Holy shit! frickin birds!" 
Trying to take a family picture of our last day on vacation was like trying to get a toddler away from the candy store to smile happily all together! Minnie never wanted to take her bird hunting eyes off of those flying things!
While Oscar and I look at each other in mutual understanding over our dislike for ANY bird drama. It was rather comical trying to get the family in a pose on that deck in the crazy forest surrounding us!

We were happy to get one last picture with Tony sitting holding our bird focused silly Minnie Mouse and calling ourselves FAMILY!

Keepin' It Going

When a huge gust of wind hit the open seating on the patio of the restraunt "The Driftwood" I shivered and hunched over to protect myself in my tank top. "I thought this was the 5th of July?" I joked next to my husband Tony. He shot up from our table "I'll be right back...." I sat there wondering how long could I sit here enjoying oyster shooters and steamed clams in this cold windy breeze. I sipped on my gin & tonic waiting on Tone. 

    He appeared back to our patio table with a green hoody, I looked up at him in surprise "Where did you get that?" I asked as he handed it to me "If my Baby is cold then I should get off my ass to buy her a jacket!" He grinned so big as I just shook my head in bewilderment. Instantly I was made warm as the wind now blew around my soft brand new hoody with the name of the place printed on the back. "I can't believe what a difference it makes! I can sit here now for another hour, so bring on the gin&tonics! HA!" I exclaimed as Tony smiled proudly. He dug into the freshly hot bowl of clams asking "How do you think a guy like me stays married for so long?" I made a funny face back at my husband trying to figure out what he was asking, hesitating as I answered him back "Yoooooou buy stuff???...is that what you are saying?" Tony threw his head back to laugh "NO! I make it COMFORTABLE to be around me! hahahahahaha your face just now...I wouldn't think buying you stuff could ever impress you, I know you ALL to well for THAT! hahahahahaha" he winked at me as I nodded happily back at him settling in to drink more of my cocktail in the cozy warmth of my new anniversary gift, my driftwood hoody!

Keepin' It Classy

There are many favorite spots and places here in Cannon beach, Over the last 10 years I have discovered and been apart of this vacation hot spot that it is my very idea in classiness!
Old doll house shops with unique landscaping and ocean front views.....
The small town of stores and pubs, of fine dinning and fine wines makes being here in all kinds of weather worth every minuet!
We have been here for Christmas, for Valentines day, a few times over the fourth of July and last year it was Thanksgiving weekend that refreshed my chaotic life......here stands Haystack rock. I am not really big into famous land marks but I am happy to see THIS huge familiar comforting rock against the ocean waters.

I walked through the adorable farmer's market the other afternoon, live music and wine tasting. Booths with fresh produce, with specialty cheeses and baked goods. I walk in the warmth of the sun light which still was very cold compared to back home in Boise Idaho where 108' sweated all my extra fat away!
Here is a small ocean side town with no fast food, no malls or thank the good lord above NO wal-marts! This is a community for escape, for classy calmness and peaceful good moments by the coastal beauty!
When I come here, I enjoy every second and every moment of stepping back into time of a simple way of celebrating such a good good life!

Romance fills your lungs as the sound of seagulls fills your ears, comfort and coziness warms your heart like the sweaters you have to wear in this breeze. Green is all the surrounding earth, aromas of smoked pizzas and roasted coffee alert your nose and eyes to capture this place, this classy space on this beautiful earth!

Keepin' It Comfortable

When my husband makes a fire pit he is consumed with his skills, he want every piece of wood to burn all the way to ashes and the over all pit needs to be perfectly shaped.
He is really good at this now of course, over the last 2 years we have lived in homes with fire pits so he has became excellent in his ability to get the fire started!
Several years ago we were staying in the Ocean Lodge over our anniversary, the wind on the sand made getting the flames going almost impossible until an older couple came to our rescue in forming a wall to allow the fire to get established. The rest of the night was passing around champagne with these peoples and looking up into the stars.
"Isn't this such a clear day!" my hubby Tony said as I nodded following him down the sidewalk of town. Cannon Beach was his childhood resort, a place every year his parents brought him. In the first few years we were married we came here for fun and he had many stories, many memories that normally he wouldn't remember back home.
On this warm but not really hot July day here in Cannon beach Oregon, Tony bought some bundles of wood. I bought some special cheese and lunch meats then happily trucked up the hillside from our rental cottage by Ecola State Park. I set up the lawn chairs, brought out the picnic bag and got my dogs as Tony built the fire up.

Then he took his walking stick all the way out into the ocean's waves and I kept the warm by the fire. At the Oregon Coast even in the first part of July it's rather chilly in the evenings and night.
I loved that moment watching the silhouettes of my husband and dogs running along side the water in the orange glow of the sun light.

Later on over the amazing fire pit, with our dogs napping and worn out beside us...Tony and I talk about our friend Benny, how he would miss her support when they both would watch me go off on my soap box or when I shared the magical ideas I carry within me. They always gave each other THAT look like "We know how it REALLY is out there in the world...."
I never felt like they judged me instead they found my ideas and dreams to be adorable if not based in any sort of reality as they knew it. Tony and Benny had the kind of friendship that would tease each other over who got my attention first, sitting around the fire pit on the sandy beach made life look romantic and feel healing for the soul....I LOVE the smell of smoke and wish my clothes could carry that aroma always!
My husband and I travel easily together, we want to stop at the same time always, get coffee drinks refills and enjoy long discussions or ideas while driving down the highways.
Once we arrive to our detestation we stay there the first night unpacking and settling into for a good night's rest before taking on the new place in the renewed morning's strength.
These 2 weeks here on the coast have been WONDERFUL, I have cried, I have slept deeply, I have daydreamed, I have walked for miles and miles missing my best friend Benny, I have came back to our cabin grateful for my dogs and the joy we all have together, relaxed in the comfort of conversations with my Tony. He and I both knew as we sat over the fire pit that another time will come like this when death takes away another soul of whom we loved, it is a part of growing old together, it will happen again this kind of sadness....and honestly there is no way to prepare for it. There is no avoiding it either, we can choose to see what is important to us and live steadily through as comfortable as possible and as grateful as possible for a life well balanced and well loved. We may write away our minds, learn every bit about our reactions and emotions but we can not control the end....for anything!

"It's always more shocking when a young person dies, Benny was younger then both of us.....always around and now....she isn't." Tony said in such a bewildering voice, he looked out in front of us for a moment for we were surrounded by the ocean in a pink sunset as the wood burned and popped. He continued "Makes me realize how in the end it's not your job or your money that will matter, it is your choices to be with those you love and those memories they have of you when you are gone....that is simply all that will live on our memories." I nodded listening and thinking over when did I first feel how unimportant we are as humans? I began to explain back at Tony "I realized that very same thing when I was 15 years old for my great uncle had died all alone, all locked up in his one bedroom home across the yard from my own home and never knew him....I don't know if he was afraid of everyone else or they were so ashamed of him. Of course he was mentally challenged but still, he didn't have many stories to the rest of the family.....it hit me to the core of my soul on that day at his graveside during the ceremony I realized I wouldn't let fear or shame keep me from going out of my way to really live! to be happy, to give what I can when it is asked......Life holds nothing but time, memories are the only thing we know for sure can stay behind when we die. Even then nothing not even our name can be remembered forever."
The fire burned into the darkness and the coast line grew very very cold, my 2 sweaters were not keeping me warm enough anymore yet it had been a comfortable fire pit, a good time to talk and think and reflect......The white noise of the ocean waves, the glow of the fire and the soft smooth sand was what I saw as a living being. My heart was grateful, my mind was relaxed and my spirit hummed the tunes to the song "Be still and know that I'm with you."
Where ever my best friend's spirit is, where ever I go from here.....it is my memories I cherish, it is my stories I can still share!
Tony said looking all around while drinking his chilled wine, "I could die right now and would be completely happy! This is the comfortable peaceful way to live!"

Keepin' It Familar

When we hit the road from Boise Idaho to Cannon Beach Oregon, my dog Oscar knew what was up, and how to behave. He wasted no time in getting his potty time in and his drinking water breaks first. He climbed into his open crate to sleep and not get step on by our clumsy fatty Cocker Spaniel Minnie.
Minnie has never been to the ocean before, her view on the whole place is in wonder as she trucked right out into the white waves just as soon as she got wet she ran back to me and laid down.
She isn't one for long hikes or big journeys, in her blankets and pillows on the road trip I had to use my shirt to block the sun shinning through her side of the car window. 
I had to really make sure she drank water also, the cabin we are renting is beautiful, cozy and comfortable. The neighborhood is both quiet and away from the main part of town....
We love it here!
This is a part of my idea on traveling and vacationing, if you go somewhere familiar when you deeply need rest then THAT is a real getaway. There is no need to race around and see everything in town for we have been here a hundred times!
Instead we nap, we read, we walk and we sit on the beach in comfortable relaxation! Our dogs beside us, our cocktails in hand and our view of the ocean brings such joy in getting away from everything else right now!
Oscar watches over Minnie as she bolts for every bird, as she runs away for miles only to return out of breath and thirsty.
I keep both dogs in my sight at all times but over the vast sand there are funny moments when Minnie will find new people to lay next to as if she had known them all along or try to out run the bigger dogs, She is in her happy zone while Oscar follows worriedly looking back at me to make sure her behavior is acceptable. Every evening they sleep away such familiar adventures of the coast line, of such extreme exercises. My delight is in watching what they will do, my laughter grows as those dogs bring out their different personalities!

Keepin' it familiar and free is what I love about being by the sea!

Keepin' it BEAUTIFUL

A decade ago from today I was running around with boxes of lavender scented heavy jar candles, my cell phone tucked in my cheek and shoulder both arms in motion and tons of things to do, many people to talk with and lots of hair spray to stick up my heavy curly hair in that crown of baby's breath......

Today from looking back in where I was 10 years ago.......I think over how even NOW.....Life is still so Beautiful! Just as I thought back on July 5, 2003.....
Life is still as busy, full of even more emotions, even more memories......yet the only thing I carried around that was heavy today was my coffee mug and going out to walk my dogs in sunshine....the sea water fills the air, the foliage surrounds me in peacefulness and I am strolling right down memory lane..........
Keepin it all so BEAUTIFUL just the same!

Keepin' it REAL

For the longest time I would answer people who asked about my marriage in a very simple clear cut statement "We keep it real."
Sometimes I got returned laughter, sometimes I got extra details of their own marriages or they would simply nod at this statement.
Some people would interpreted  my saying "We keep it real" to mean "We are boring" or "We are lazy." But that's never what I meant.
Some people would say back "You guys DO seem like REAL people." BINGO! that is what I meant! As a married couple we kept ourselves real and growing, we had ups and downs all kinds of events and all kinds of conversations.....we had at times over this first decade need to correct each other or hit to the truth of how the other is feeling.
We share many things but differed in the same amount of many things.....
A marriage is both romantic and real, being honest, normal and able to deal with what the other is carrying then that is what I always meant how I saw my own relationship.

I could say quite a bit abut marriage now but back when a few after getting married a girl asked me if I had discovered the secret to a long happy marriage, I stumbled in surprise then said "Be  good friends first and always, Mastery the art of love comes easy if there is friendship not just passion..."  Of course that was my 24 year old self and now I would have to still agree:-D

The kinds of things life will hand you in the time you are married or with your partner will be across the board crazy or challenging, the simple truth is if you are not REAL friends......you will have to move on in that search for a true kindred spirit still.

I thought I would share 10 pictures for these last 10 years....yet all my memories and all my stories of what is a good marriage is that it is REAL:-)

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