Knowledgeable Me

                     Whenever I look back onto my life I see how truly trusting I was, How open and honest I have always been. Then I can connect the dots of when I changed, when I stop trusting, only to learn how to be wiser in this trust. I am stronger for every event that shook me up, every mean word spoken in fights and how these many people who disowned me or attacked me I can honestly look back and think "WOW, I can't believe I made it through, there really isn't anything to be afraid of after all!" My life's stories make me realize no matter what they say about who I was when I was born, no matter how I behaved as a child and no matter what kind of mistakes as a teenager I created....I am always going to be open, honest and out there. For I am willing to get bruised, to be kick around by those who show their true nature then to have never loved to begin with. Now I know I have so much to still learn, I am excited to never stop seeking answers......How many times does my past flash before my eyes taking time away from this very moment at hand? Will I still be standing strong once I figured out how it all went wrong to begin with? Does it still sway over me all those old helpless feelings in fear, in all those past years? Knowledge is power, letting go of everything I can not change is true peace and I am on my way to grow more, to smile better. For right now I want to capture it, this time of how I am alive taking in each new beautiful day, seeking and wondering over all the new adventures ahead!

Naive Me

The crash at the front door was surprising, it swung open at 3am into my sister's bedroom. I was sound a sleep deep within my blankets as my dog growled at the floor of my tiny twin size bed. I woke up uncertain to have heard the crashing books fall from the case next to the swinging open door. "What was that?" I wondered as my father suddenly yelled that my dog wasn't allowed in my bedroom so she scrambled outside into the night or way early morning. I was barely sure what was happening, the screaming became so loud from both my father and sister. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" My 17 year old sister screamed as our father demanded to know where she had been. He yelled in such bewildered fearful anger "NEVER TELL ME, TO GET OUT OF HERE! I OWN IT."  I began praying instantly as I did daily in that horrid year of being 18. They didn't stop and I was so confused, I had been deeply sleeping safely tucked away in my back bedroom with my old big dog. The cottage was our sanctuary, my teenaged sister and I. We had our own bedroom, Dana made her bedroom the big living room and I happily tucked myself in the back room as we shared the bathroom in the middle and used the refrigerator in the kitchen for all our snacks and drinks. Living across the farm yard from our parents gave us a new found freedom of showering whenever we wanted and not making our father mad when the hot water ran out. We also watched whatever we wanted on my sister's huge screen TV and stayed up all night long on the days we didn't have to go to work. "DEBBY! DEBBY GET IN HERE!" Our angry father screamed at me as I scrambled out of my bed terrified to be dragged into this fight. I was so sleepy that the bright light of Dana's bedroom surprised me and I ran into the door frame with such force that I held my head by the sudden pain. "DON'T TRY to make it LOOK like you are stupid and confused!" My father demanded from me. Dana yelled back "LEAVE HER ALONE! she WAS sleeping I am not making it up! YOU are acting like a crazy man GO BACK TO BED!" I often stood in silence around my father, anything I could say or do that made him smirk or nod at me was what I learned how to behave. I remember this night so well because my sister wasn't holding back how mad she was at him for busting through the front door into her room. He usually NEVER came over, never stopped by unless to yell out that we needed to go over to the other house to change diapers or babysit our baby brothers. I hadn't planned on running into the wall, I was just so shook up from my deep sleep that I stared on in horror by all the screaming going on in a few seconds, Dad slammed through the door accusing my sister of being out riding around with her guy friends, he had heard owl calls and saw head lights down the highway stop and blink several times. He was running around outside trying to catch my sister in some action of escaping or sneaking back in. I was completely confused by this event, "Why in the world would Dana want to be outside when it's so scary and dark? Especially with BOYS? How crazy does dad think she is???" I wondered to myself as I leaned against the wall knowing full well if they start swinging or throwing things at each other I wanted to be able to duck out for safety. These fights, these crazy ideas were growing in them more and more now that my sister grew older. No one could fight like those 2, I watched on in fear and trying to speak with a throat full of tears. "I WAS NOT OUTSIDE WITH A BOY! YOU are seeing things! GO! LEAVE US ALONE!" Dana pointed to her wide open door as Dad stood there wild rusty hair sticking out he zoomed in on my face to make sure I wasn't lying, and I stared back at him in honest utter confusion. Dad looked at me suddenly only inches from my nose and said "Are you pretending Debby, Was your sister out sneaking around tonight?" I was a bit shaky as I spoke "NO I really WAS asleep! Why would Dana want go outside this late anyway???" Tears flooded down my cheeks as my father back away unsure and looking truly crazy as he left. Dana slammed the door behind and mumbled loudly "Thanks for the trust Dad!" I sat on her bed crumbling into sobs from such shock. "Oh dry it up!" Dana snapped over her shoulder at me. She was still fuming with anger and I was amazed that she even got our father out of the cottage at all, I would never dream of speaking to him like that.... "What is going ON!" I demanded from her, she rolled her eyes around through out the cottage shutting windows and locking the doors. "Our crazyass father isn't sleeping, so he thinks I have all these boyfriends stopping by...It's not your fault Debby, please stop crying and go back to bed." Dana moved her whole bed in front of the cottage door that Dad had just crashed through seconds before. We only had one way out now through the kitchen, so this bought her some time next time he came in like that. "He scared the shit of out me! Who does THAT!?! just bust through the door not even asking to come in!?! a-hole..." Dana exclaimed to me as I helped her put pillows back on her bed in the new location, she was always saying words I didn't fully know the meaning behind. That night's drama stayed with me for a long time. I couldn't figure it out until years later, why would our father think we were lying to him or that we were running around in the scary night time? I was extremely naive I understand that NOW, But on some level I guarded and hide on purpose from anything questionable or scary even when dealing with the opposite sex, or dealing sex it's self.....I wanted to stay safely tucked away through those teenaged years. Finally when I became more aware I realized looking back that my father had the right suspensions, he really lacked the tactfulness in addressing them.

The following weeks after this incident, I heard another crushing noisy in the middle of the night I sat straight up in bed this time afraid it was all repeating itself again, my old dog was deaf now so she snored in bed with me. There wasn't any shouting from my father, so I rolled out whispering into the dark "Dana, Dana did ya hear that odd sound? Dana, Dana someone is outside I saw shadow just now!" I was wondering why she wasn't answering me back right away, so I sprung onto her bed grabbing her by the shoulder, "DANA! Someone is coming into the cottage!" I whispered down by her head on the pillows, at that very same moment the cottage door swung opened and I sat stunned while Dana walked in casually. She threw something behind her as she saw me, (later I would learn was a pack of smokes) I sat staring at her as she demanded "What are you doing up?" I was completely confused looking at her row of dolls and pillows under her blanket, it had looked perfectly like a sleeping body! I had even thought her doll's hair was hr own..... She demanded again "Debby what are you doing? Go back to bed." I sleepily explained "I heard something, thought someone was trying to break in!" She nodded while clearing out her bed of stuff acting like it was normal explaining "It was just me I went for midnight run." I sighed with relief and then half hugging her so happy to not be alone after all. She pushed me back saying "Go back to bed...everything is alright." 

The very next morning I was feeding my baby brother in the high chair as I chuckled out loud explaining to my mother how startled I was in the middle of the night, my sister walked by me just in time to smack me on the back of my head really hard. I suddenly realized I had been missing a piece of the puzzle, I took the hit as sign to down play how truly frighten I had been. Then I raced after Dana in the side yard asking "Am I not able to talk bout it?" She spun round so fast in one long hiss right up to my face whispering "Debby! You are the most Naive person on the whole planet! Never tell Mom and Dad about stuff like that okay, they won't think it's funny like you do! but if you must know I have to have a smoke when I'm not at work...besides it's not really any of your business.........JUST shut up about what you don't know, Ooookay?" I nodded willingly and then paused to ask her "What does Naive mean?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head as she walked away. I was left standing there in the morning sun light suddenly worried over many different things, not quite sure which one to figure out first..............................................................................

She's Inlove with the boy

    This morning I stumbled upon a old country song that my sister and I use to sing together all the time, we knew it by heart and sang it loud and proud! Usually we sang it the best while we were tucked away elbow to elbow in the back of Dad's pick up under the canopy heading in to church from our farm. We were just young girls in our nice shoes, curled hair sprayed bangs and singing this song in unison;

The Wild Things

                     It has been sad news to hear that our American writer and illustrator Maurice Sendak died a couple of weeks ago and I spent that day reminiscing over the radio program "Fresh Air with Terri Gross" I tearful drank my coffee and thought about what an talented, gifted emotional man Maurice was. His kindness towards Terri made the program feel very intimate and trusting, I also cried because I remember where I was a couple of years before in that interview....LIFE changes quickly takes us away from where we would like to stay....The day Maurice died Terri Gross replayed that interview with him in honor and in respect and I listened again connected and in awe! I think Childhood is the darkest time in one's life, nothing is in our personal control, everything is new, scary and not yet explained....WE as child try desperately to survive it all! THIS is why it is also the most magical time in our lives as well, because we face these fears and these struggles with vivid imagination to escape and create a perfect world for our first years on this earth...We haven't been "trained" yet to hide our honesty, to hide our fears and pains. We haven't been controlled yet by a certain image of success to obtain, a way to make as much money before we died...We are JUST kids, we are all beginning to live life with all the friends and magical creatures to comfort us all the way...Maurice Sendak "Got" this when he wrote and drew up the child's book "Where the Wild Things are." Our society is lost from the true nature of children, the way we should be teaching and caring over them.....While also letting them go off on adventures in the park, leaving them completely alone to day dream and relax.  Adults think these childhood years are for education and a perfect score card in sports, hobbies and talents....When a child cries out or screams the parent can choose to react as a comforter or as a Commander...I sadly see it all to often the parent thinks the child SHOULD behave like themselves but the raw truth is the child is far smarter then the adult ALWAYS WILL BE. You can know and understand a list of facts but if you do not know how to react in a honest way to the emotions you feel then You should come back to your childhood and believe again in the awe of life! When I worked at the mall on sunny warm summer days I saw children in strollers screaming in tears and the parents flustered with confusion and embarrassment, I would say out loud or to myself "Don't you see it? In their faces, these children KNOW it's a nice day outside they could be at the park or at least in a happier place then THIS!"

The book "Where the Wild Things are" shows us the depth Children have, somewhere over growing up and learning to be "Institutionalized" We loose our connection to our imagination, to our wild and furry friends! Maurice came back to his inner kid and cultivated that in his adulthood. The stories he wrote and the pictures he drew where of his way of helping us along when the helplessness of being a kid made us grow up to fast! The purity lays within our hearts and souls as the magical spiritual world unfolds and we talk with our friend Carol!

Goodbye Maurice, May you rest in peace while enjoying one more amazing new adventure up in the clouds with everyone else!

A Historical Moment

When I took my mother to her favorite chines restaurant, it was just a week or so before I left to Florida. I was happy to share with her all the current changes in that month of April, some things left me feeling very sad like having to move out of our current place once our lease was up....The day with my mother often means I get to her place cook up breakfast, help her in the shower and give pedicure and manicures, usually painting finger nail polish works best when she is in her wheel chair. I like her tightly curled gray hair from dark to light tones, shades of gray looking identical to what I remember about my Grandma. ( I wonder when I am 54 years old only 21 more years from now, will I have the same layer gray hair from dark to light?) I wish so often Grandma was still alive, it would be nice to have her come sit with my mother now. To give her wisdom in dealing with this elderly age....(although 50's shouldn't be the elderly part of our lives after my mother's stroke I would say she aged beyond her own decades now.) So once I get my mother refreshed, we grabbed her purse and cane to head out for the day! (I even set the wheel chair in the back of the car in case we shopped the mall in Nampa while we were out, without it that is a VERY long hall of shops, wears Mom out.)

Mom kept demanding to have her cell phone or her wallet those 2 things are not with her all the time so she can get obsessed to have them again. "When I drive again I will go straight to Wal-Mart and see what deals are going on right now." Mom stated in her usual adorable way of thought sharing, I chuckled as we drove into town from the country side I replied back honestly. "IF you ever drive again I think you will notice the left lane missing ALL together...I could JUST see you saying out loud while behind the wheel "WOW what an OPEN road!" but the on coming traffic would DISAGREE." We both giggled over this.

Taking my mother to lunch wasn't any new event, but having my father meet up with us was! I was excited to have my parents to myself for lunch, THIS was a true historical event! I have never gone out to eat with just my Mother and Father, it as the rarest thing to wonder over. I loved it the quiet conversation, the nice way my father watched over my mother as she ate and how he walked with us to the bathroom door. He was amazed to hear suddenly I was going to be in Florida and we had the most pleasant afternoon. There was even a heart felt hug when I tearful mention having to move out of our home sooner then we wanted too, my father has aged a million years and yet stays the same all at once. His toughness can melt away like butter, his conversations can be very thoughtful. I may always be very guard around him but at least I can admire these moments in history when I get to sit over Chinese food, over my mother's favorite mandarin Chicken and see my parents before me! In the beginning they were there when I arrived, now 33 years later here we were again just the 3 of us.

A Mothering Moment

The hospital lunch room was full of small round tables for the patients in their wheel chairs to pull up for the meals. My mother was surrounded by my three teenaged brothers, they were all demanding from her to eat and to move her paralyzed arm. She was clearly annoyed, clearly upset as I walked up to this scene. I happily sat down chatting away about the beautiful day outside and how summer is a good season to recover in the hospital for those wheel chairs strolls outside in the bright warm sun is really quite healthy! I was watching the boys like I always do, observing and caring over what I could see needed desperate love and help. Those days almost a year ago, surrounded by drama but not wanting to leave my mother alone there at the very same time were struggling emotions for me...Why, Oh why did my mother have a stroke? Why THIS family??? These boys were wiped out I could see it in the way they yelled out at our mother, They were doing what our father told them to do...make sure she stays up to eat all of her dinner. I sat bewildered trying to calm the situation down. Over my life time, the dramatic stories situations created in me a confident calmness as an adult that now I see past the actions out front currently unfolding to wonder what is REALLY going on inside the angry family member before me. I survive it by also thinking what is lovely, what is good and what is true hope in this very sad situation. Over and over in my head I repeat "You are kind, You are smart, YOU are important..." Now in mothering my brothers, I had to learn the hard way that they were not my own kids, that when I asked to care for them or bring them over to my home which was very close to the hospital I was rejected. Slowly and sadly I let go of trying to see them as much as possible once again I knew they weren't ever my own but just my "Baby Brothers" out of reach of my unconditional guidance and friendship...maybe one day as an adult they will want to hang out, I will always welcome them. A mothering moment always presents itself when now they are young sheltered teenaged boys, whose life was centered fully in our mother taking care of them, now they take care of her. They have no plans outside of just being with my mother, they don't know any other kind of life so now I "get it". My mothering ways need to end for they just want to be left alone. On that sunny summer afternoon at the hospital I sat watching them trying to do everything they were told all at once in some kind of stressful panic and the end result was of our mother fighting back with them. So I said sadly "You boys need a break, need a day at home to take the longest nap of your life. Then y'all would feel so much better." Mom nodded and mumble "I would say so...." as she began eating her lunch. My three brothers all slapped me and shouted back "She NEEDS to move her arm or at least TRY!' They were all telling me at once in such loud angry voices that I had to push them out of my face and try to protect myself from all the hitting. (In my family Hitting is winning control over the person who isn't doing what you think they should.)  I was amazed that my baby brothers grew up to be such hitting people now in that moment I sat stunned for only a few seconds, (I had been hoping the hitting ended only with my sister. No one could hit as hard as she can) Towards the end of my mother's stay at the hospital my sister was hitting me regularly so I learn to dodge it thinking to myself "This is CRAZY I am 32 years old now! Can she still get away with this?" I sat at the table with my mother trying to calm down my brothers and tell them NOT to ever hit me again. They continued down the long list of bad behaviors from our mother, the depression she was feeling made her refuse to get out of bed for therapy. I knew this day would come, I knew she would process slowly just how blind and paralyzed she is now and it would crush her. Dark days are all apart of surviving such trauma. As I begin to explain this to my brothers they mostly just rolled their eyes at me in trying to let me know how wrong I was in letting Mom talk all about how much pain she is in. Then instantly I said loudly over their voices of protest "What about FORGIVENESS? What about Forgiveness towards Mom over whatever she said or did yesterday....start again today with endless forgiveness, like a clean slate, what she did or didn't do last week is gone. why can't you guys forgive her for such pain she is in?" My mother nodded eagerly and commented "Listen to Debby." (something I am sure the boys NEVER thought she would say) Suddenly my young brothers froze in place, wide eyed and mouths hanging open sat stunned by those words. I continued "Surely in church you heard about forgiveness right?" I asked again as they scattered away from the table. leaving Mom to eat her meal in peace.
Now it was Davey my 12 year old brother whose words stayed with me as I chased him to say I didn't want to ever fight like that but I had explained what Mom needs now more then anything is true forgiveness. He leaned in on me as he exclaimed "I just want my mom to come HOME, she HAS to do her therapies or Dad said she might not come home" I nodded thinking how fearful we all are of our father but I softly looked back at the tearful face before me "She will come home if you make her think it would be fun and nice there. She needs to know this pain will heal one day, Forgiveness brings her to hope again." Davey looked like he was actually listening to me as he whispered "I just want my mother back." Then We cried together.

You Will Be Loved

The creature is born

and it's life begins

The kitten runs to play

The Puppy runs the same

They are loved......

The birds are hungery

The squirrel is busy

They are loved......

The child watches it all

The soul learns to live

and realizes how to give.....

The old woman smiles

The old man walks for miles

They are loved......

The butterfly stops a moment

The beautiful tree sees

all these things.......

The man sings to the sky 

The woman dances by

The world unfolds it's nature

with all kinds of wonders

They are Loved......

The person is born

and it's life begins

listening to the first words "You will be Loved...."

How to just BE

Do you ever wonder about LIFE? Like why does it never stop moving, full of time and changes? I am in the middle of many things right now, my mind is on a constant "to do" list, especially before we move next month........Yup we are moving again in under a year. It's a bit crazy to suddenly have to leave this cozy cottage. I will admit to crying buckets of tears over this sudden change in plans, once again LIFE is something to wonder about! My neighborhood is wonderful full of kind, friendly people who all quietly love their own homes and gardens while chatting it up with the mail man. We were informed that our landlords need to move back in once our first year lease is over....Such shocking news sent my husband and I for a loop! All my gardening ideas and the peaceful wonder of this HUGE backyard for my dogs was suddenly and very quickly NOT really mine after all! Things like this do happen I understand, and it's been an emotional month of April in facing this new situation of moving out, (Our landlords feel really bad about this too.) I kept telling myself to calm down, to just BE. The unknown questions in our future, the stress of finding a place even half as good as what we have right now was keeping me up at night in the beginning. As a homemaker, a BIG pet lover and my husband's personal dancing fairy, I watch over everyone and care deeply that everyone is safe.   I worried how to move away from such a magical place as this! Now I knew that I would still visit Bernice my next door neighbor whose friendship and tea time conversation I enjoy and truly, simply just LOVE her! Then one evening my other next neighbor asked us to be his renters for the next couple of years....I sat listening to his plans of needing good renters while away at school, there was this amazing calmness come over me to stop worrying and stressing over all of this sad moving away plans, and I also knew THIS would be such a funny story if it all worked out...sooooooo here we are now getting ready to move next door, next month! Once again I'm in awe over LIFE, always moving, full of time and changes......while I learn how to just BE.  

Mother's Day

It's interesting to me that last year I wrote a story in my facebook notes about my mother. It comes from somewhere deep inside of me, of always knowing she and I had limited time together......

Forgiving her took me on a long emotional journey through out such painful memories and hidden issues, if anything beautiful comes from all these things so sad in wondering about...I think it's how I knew deep in my heart that nothing matter but our simple laughter when together. For those memories will be loved, will be what I lean on in my years ahead. For I knew that there was nothing to judge, no right or wrong person at fault in our relationship, it was just us.....We were mother and daughter from the being in a time not ready for a family, not ready for our honest differences. My mother loved babies her whole life but was often in total shock and bewilderment once they grew enough to talk back. I was a "handful" she reminded me often later on as we shopped together as adults, (I also think for some people how you behaved as little kid is something they can't get pass.)

Forgiveness was needed in my life back when I thought about all of this, for a mother's rejection hurt deeper then I was going allow. AND I lived through many moments like that with her, total abandonment. It taught me to be strong this is true. and to realize if ever I was a mother that NOTHING not even God would come between me and my kids! That's a passion inside of me for which I am glad to have! One that really hits home to my heart! So as Forgiveness came to me like fresh cold water on a steaming hot hike up the mountain side, I was free from the fears that makes us wonder why our own mother wouldn't like us? Wouldn't try to be our everlasting friend? I had forgiven her while wondering "Who she is? Whose the real person inside that very guarded self of hers?" Then I was determined NEVER to give up on connecting to her. Now on this mother's day today I am reminded of her very important part in my life as it makes me stronger then ever I would have been otherwise..........................................

Here's what I wrote last year on Facebook;

                        This Sunday is that beautiful holiday in SPRING where you think about or spoil your MOTHER. I have loved this holiday ever since I was a little girl and my father took us kids to pick out a rose brush for our mother. She had created a flower bed tower over the axial of our trailer house, it was so creative while most trailer park homes had that melt thing sticking out in the front lot. My mother covered it in such a good design! My thought was during those rose bushes all alined, my mom desired the darkest, deepest red so she knew that I loved her just THAT much! It was the first mothers day I took note in remembering, after that she got hand made cards or a picnic table or flowers. I really have a beautiful barbie doll mother, who never saw herself in that way. I once told her as I held up my barbie that she was a brown haired barbie! (I was only just a kid and didn't understand why that comment freaked her out so much.) She didn't WANT to be a barbie, she didn't think those toys were modest enough to play with actually..... I would have LOVED to of grown up with even some of her beauties! (I think I might be more like a "Cabbage patch kid" hahahahahaha) ANYWAY, My mother is as opposite to me as 2 woman can be, yet we are quite alike sometimes! I thought about how as I turned 30 (A couple of years ago) in comparison to my mother I was from when she turned 30 and I was 10...so really IF I had a smart 10 year old by now I am sure my own mistakes would be archived too. In that compassion, in that understanding I can forgive my mother for all of our history. Good memories are just as important to learn from as the bad ones, yet some the drama of my childhood comes from my mother's personal fears or faith. She will always be loved by me, I will always desire to know her better and most importantly to look through her own eyes at our lives. I love the moments we have now as we laugh and connect in our new adult friendship, if I was still a child THAT friendship would of ended us, and we would never want to see the other person again. Luckily, I grew up! And learned how to relate to my mother on a whole new level, I both admire her and respect her strong passionate beliefs. I don't always follow her thinking or personality, but she is forever my mother. As these years began with our shared adulthood, it brings us to some kind of common ground. She may always quote the same lines of scripture, have the same political views since the 80's and I will always smile at these reminders of my youth, of the way things used to be and how thankful I am that I have learned NEVER to disown her. She is my mother, the lady who did her very best, and I love her for it!

May everyone love and remember their Mothers on this day!

              My husband frowned as I grabbed my purse going out the door, "Soooo for YOUR 30th birthday your mom is taking you SHOPPING late at night?!?!? Does she NOT know ANYTHING about YOU?!? YOU HATE SHOPPING!" I laughed in reply "Again, it's NOT ABOUT ME." He shook his head "BUT it is for YOUR birthday?" I nodded with a smirked "I know it is really hard to understand but I am not doing THIS for ME, My mom loves shopping like I love training dogs, it's comfortable and sometimes you want to share what you love with someone else." My husband sat down annoyed and deflated, he sighed as he said "Well maybe tonight you 2 will talk everything out?" I smiled thoughtfully at my husband as I explained "Noooo probably not, see while you are shopping if someone asks you a personal awkward question about the past, you can just grab a nearby shirt off the rack asking "Oh now doesn't THIS look SO CUTE!" then that personal question is never answered and the time moves on." He was shaking his head as I kissed him goodbye, "I guess that is why you are in my life, to show me compassion." I chuckled happily back at him in my reply "And forgiveness...once you can forgive someone, you will find that you can love them even more then before!"

Lucky Now

Gin and Me

I truly love drinking GIN, for it's soft and sweet added to other beverages. It's so refreshing and easy to drink. Over the last month I've increased my gin intake more then ever before.....I am not exactly sure why, now I am carrying around a long list of worries, sudden changes and all these emotions. Usually I don't ever let myself over drink, right now I am trying to avoid thinking so much, so deeply about things. Naturally when avoiding life as it moves us forward isn't the best mind set when drinking. I have step back from the bottle to wonder why I feel so helpless? When it comes to this list of moving next month, of worrying over my dogs, of worrying over my surviving mother. She is the main reason I cry lately more now that things have this new normal but I know will NEVER be normal again. I should stay focused on all she can do right now. But deep down after the gin floods me the tears start falling. I see her helpless in the hospital bed again and again.  Facing things currently changing in my life, like how we are moving next door for a couple of years as Tony starts law school and I can stay close caring over my other neighbor Bernice. I know that this is how life goes, changing, and new. I have the strength in me to face it all. I can see the beauty in everything confusing as it unfolds right now. Then there are times when this feeling over comes me of NOT wanting to think or worry about any of it all. That's when gin and I have a good long cry.....(Now I know it will all work out in the end, but it's a unknown journey to my soul figuring out why suddenly I am walking upside down along side gin) The world isn't black and white, I may take years to heal in the lost of who my mother was and is now. Healing from the fact my family members are so different and I have a history with them that brings me to where I am now. Inside of who I am, I know there is this deeply beautiful focused on the magical world around me, I am stronger then the worries or fears in these changes. I know it's just another lesson in life for me to learn. AND I will be more careful of how much Gin I take in as I face it:-}

How to be Smart

"Quick Debby! he's coming!" Sarah exclaimed from behind the espresso machine. I quickly pulled up my broom and dust pan from sweeping and sprinted to the register. We had that one customer every morning, the type of guy whose pervy ways reeked from him like his body odor. Every coffee shop has these, dirty old men who see young women serving coffee with this creepy idea of somehow getting closer to them. Now I was never afraid of this customer, I ran at the warning of his arrival for the simple fact I didn't want to be touched at all by him. I wasn't ever thinking he would kill me in fact I wondered to what was his life story? Why was he so creepy in trying to flirt and touch so much? For we don't fall from grace of our first childhood days without a story that took us here. Although I never asked him much about himself, I still wondered why was he the way that he was? 
To be smart meant to me that I was never going to leave these girls whom I worked with alone with him in the shop. To be smart actually took me 27 years to get to that morning of hopping over the counter to save myself from his groping hands, for We ALL warned each other every morning of his arrival if we could, we stayed behind the counter the whole time and if we had to step out passed him for any reason we moved fast and didn't stop, many times having to dodge under his flying arms. Either way he still tried to grab us all by the waist for his idea of a "playful hug". His favorite thing of all was to put his face up next to the back our necks and shoulders to surprise us.....for if we didn't know he was there our backs were towards the entrance working and he would slide right up close to hear us scream in surprise then he would laugh. I also knew that if I directly handed him the cup of coffee that he was purchasing then he would fully grab onto my hand and cup for long awhile, trying to wink and usually making me mad so once again I learned to be smart by setting his cup on the counter then tell him it was ready. His pervy jokes, his pervy eyes and his pervy ways in trying to touch us girls was something that made us all dislike him even more. One morning I came out from the back of the shop with paper cups in arm only to get out a warning cry to Sarah, as she was marking down clearance items across from the counter before he jump on her with his arms then laughed out loud creepily. I zoomed into situation explaining "I saw him coming in fast but..." He cut me off as he whined leaning in on my face "WHY did ya make that noise? I almost scared her to death!" I nodded nicely back at him pushing my shoulder up against his chin as he kept on chuckling then I was circling Sarah to get her out of his arms at the same and we raced back into our protective counters again. Sarah and I gave each other the understanding look silently both in being alarmed and completely annoyed, she shouted back at him as we got behind the counter again "I HATE to be startled!" then she didn't speak to him again. Now there were some mornings he kept to himself not reaching, not grabbing or trying to leaning into us as we worked. (Those mornings were usually when our boss was there) And so it was one of those things I had to realize, how should I treat pervy men? How can I be smart and nice at the same time? Learning how to do all these things suddenly gave me a sense of empowerment, a sense of  protection within my own strength to not get pushed around or invaded upon. I hope that ALL women everywhere can learn this in whatever situation they are in, being smart and wise could save their life and change the world for a better place!

How to Foam

When I came back to working Starbucks a second time I actually just walked in and started working, it was funny how my dear friend and old boss hired me on the spot when she asked me if I wanted to start working there again. I had been lucky enough to join her working team at the very beginning of the store's new location. So when I came back it was very simple, I started up again as an already educated barista. My first supervisor Tina was bewildered to have me just show up for a shift, she worried out loud on what to do with training me as she ran through the training books and then I explained how I already knew these beginning things. She was so happy to watch me start working like no time had been skipped on the job. All the while I was trying not to just step in as if I owned the place at the same time. I usually only told the co-workers I trusted about having been there before....There was a strong feeling of hostility from some people already working there. All I wanted to do was make coffee, laugh as I work and visit with the usual friendly customers. This time around I wanted my coffee job to be for FUN, I had learned from my first time through that climbing "the corporate latter" was NOT for me. It was funny at times to see the surprise looks on my fellow co-workers faces as I jabbered on about all the different coffee beans we sold in the shop to questioning customers. I would usually shrug hoping to work under the radar, avoiding the more aggressive personalities surrounding me. It really surprised me when a grown woman who worked there in those first scheduled shifts I had compared herself to me all the time. Now I was ready for the younger people to compete with me but I was not ready for an older woman, even as she was a mother. She clearly did NOT like me, so We ended up working in opposite parts of the store away from each other because her contest competition was getting on my nerves. Shortly after getting back into Starbucks, the company closed ALL the stores nationally for a meeting on how to get back to good foam and the basics in coffee creations. Not only was it mandatory for everyone to be there for the meeting but we had to be tested on all our skills. The aggressive older woman with her beautiful dark curly hair and bright perfect make up seemed to wiggle herself in next to me everywhere I stood. I could over hear her saying "Well Debby just started last week...in fact she got MY ideal hours in the schedule this week. Anyway, I SHOULD be able to foam better then her. I am not worried." I nodded willingly with a big smile towards all who she was talking to, It was almost impossible to convey over and over again that I WAS NOT out to get any of their jobs....It seemed like a difficult start back into the coffee shop, but when my boss would give me a high five I knew it will get better if I keep at it. Working for a company like Starbucks that lets ya just be yourself behind the register, while work hard and laugh long was a perk to working there again. It was half way through the coffee making testing during that meeting that I decided to "play dumb" when the glares from a few started making my skin crawl. I pulled perfect espresso shots with the 3 colors in the shot glasses, foamed in my first try a standard cappuccino and knew what different countries of coffee beans were in anniversary blend that year. It was like I fell backwards into getting it all right during the meeting, only by the looks I got from behind our boss's back did I suddenly realize I needed to make a "mistake" or just play "dumb". I truly loved foaming milk, creating a silky smooth look made me so proud! When the competitive lady elbowed me over as she quickly started foaming her own pitcher of milk right after mine, I gave her encouragement comments then hung back against the wall wishing, hoping she did better then me but after her 4th try she was sooooo mad! Everyone began to loose interest in her re-tries as she spatted out "I KNOW how to foam milk!! I DO and it's just because I'm trying so hard that's all, Debby went first so she got to do it without any pressure!" I stayed against the wall wishing I was back walking in the park like earlier that morning. I am never going to understand why women compete with each other so much. Yet that meeting on how to foam stayed with me a long time, because I asked myself how can make myself less of a threat and more of a good trusted friend? Approachability is like foaming milk, if you rush forth to create a friendship chances are it will just bubble over or burn out....As I moved the milk pitcher slowly and calmly in the steaming wand the quality is carefully enriched, both sweet and smooth, much like taking the time to get to know someone as a friend.

How to Comfort

It was a sunny afternoon in the Starbucks where I worked, the warmth light from the sky brighten the whole center of the mall as I stocked the milk frig. My green apron was always messy and my wild sweaty hair pointed out from my head to one big pony tail. "Hey Shively!" Marissa exclaimed as she clocked on for her arriving shift. (I truly loved being called by my last name it always made me feel like an actual COOL person, the same way I feel if someone gives me a high five in the air! RIGHT ON!) So I grinned up at Marissa naturally, the girl is exactly 10 years younger then me although a foot taller with short black spiky hair, she was more "matter of fact" in her ways but we usually got along just fine. "Whatta up?" I asked bending up from the stocked frig. She began  "I was at church last night wishing YOU were there!" and suddenly I choked out a loud laugh as I shrugged and replied "HA sorry Girlie, it's never going to happen..." She didn't skip a beat like always explaining "What I mean is my friend came up to me crying her dog had just died....and well I remember YOU have dog too so maybe you would have known what to say to her? Because I didn't, I was amazed to see her crying over something like that." I felt my face soften as I listened for I knew exactly what Marissa was saying. I have had many friends like Marissa in the past, the "I don't cry unless it is an extreme situation." kind of people. I sighed listening to Marissa's story as I replied whispering "Oh your poor sweet friend, Did you at least give her a hug?" Marissa stood by me now in front of the espresso machine with a funny face of confusion "Kinda....I mean I guess I don' know but what I DID think was "Wish Shively was here with me, she WOULD know for sure what to do!" I was chuckling and nodding back. I softly explained "Well here's what to remember even if you don't like dogs, but think of someone you have loved, someone who you miss or even known as died then think of that sad goodby feeling you get and give a hug to your friend if she cries a long time she will feel better and you won't have to say a word in fact its best if you can't relate to just NOT say anything at all. like this..." I held out my arms to Marissa with a sad face and she rolled her eyes pushing me back. "Hey Don't roll your eyes let's say my dog DID just die that would hurt my feeling AGAIN." We both giggled and she nodded "SEE I knew YOU know what to do...wish I could have called you in the very moment for advice I think I DID offend her a bit by not liking her tears.....It was JUST a dog anyway." My face went into a stern look as I said "NEVER EVER say that out loud!!! Sheeeesh lady ya have to know how to comfort a person not insult them! Sure it's just a dog to you BUT to her it was a best friend, a companion and even a family member closer then any actual person can get to one's heart actually.Most people let a pet in when people are blocked out!" Marissa looked surprised at me thn thoughtfully said out loud "Well I've never thought of it like that...." I nodded understanding once again what she was saying, as we worked together making coffee drinks for passing through customers I continued "That's why it's good you thought of me because now you will be ready next time!" I smiled reassuringly back, Then instantly Marissa froze asking bewildered "There will be a NEXT TIME?" I giggled while nodding "Yes, for ALL dogs died one day....another friend WILL come to you again" She snorted out "Then why even have a dog!?!" I replied confidently "Because the life of dog along side yours is more magical, and wonderful in everything you face together! That nothing not even the approaching death can keep you both apart! Life is just made better all around! For me it's worth it to be together now.....to have a rich full life until the end!"