Debby has no clue

I have learned several years ago while talking to my husband Tony, about how hard it is for me to say "I don't know." or "I don't have a clue." He pointed out how prideful I was in not wanting to admit that I didn't know. He was so right in correcting me, for it is impossible to always know everything. Now it took some effort on my part to be aware that I would do this and start saying "I don't know." It was actually more relaxing and freeing to be able to admit that instead of having an answer right away, I can just take a deep breath and say "I have NO CLUE what tomorrow is going to be like." Or "I  don't know why my mom had this stroke." I really like that about having learned this about myself. The truth is we can't always know the answers or all the actual facts right away....We can't claim to be smarter then we really are and that is just fine. I think people like an honest person more then to feel less knowledgeable. I have some questions about the future and the next steps as we go along....I can truly say that I don't have the answers, I simply don't have a clue. But I like to still think that something might be in my control, although the chances are I will only be able to say "I don't know, lets think about this..." and let each day teach us what we need for that moment.

Debby has No Fear

Lately when people tell me I am brave or fearless, I can't help but disagree because if anything having your mother almost die a few times can scare even the strongest person to their knees. I am not embarrassed to say I have been on my knees quite a bit the last couple of weeks, I am not to shy to share just how hard I have cried and how many late long nights I couldn't sleep with my mind racing, my hearts beats just like anyone else and I truly FEEL fear! I am not so brave after all, I am weak with doubts and questions, I am sadden by the struggles in deep pain that my mother has to endure! I can get angry just as fast as I can cry......
I am trying to understand myself in this new life, in this new setup with my mother in the hospital. I don't honestly know what is being brave? What is having all the right answers? What is fearless? When I hear people say that I have no fear I don't believe it.....but I do know how to breath as I shake and stand still in fear, biting my tongue or speaking my mind isn't bravery, isn't fearless it is just living with each day at a time. With or without fear I am simply just here in my life...

"Debby has no Shame"

When I was 16 years old my brother Dougie was born and my mom spent sometime in bed afterwards. It was a strange time to not have my mom up and about cooking and cleaning how she does....When Davey told me the other day as we sat together in the ICU watching our mother sleep, he said it was strange to not have Mom running through the house to pick things up and now he realized HE had to pick those things up from now on. I wondered if I could of had such a fast sense of responsibility like Davey when I was 12 years old? Then suddenly I remembered When mom was stuck in bed awhile, how I did take over cleaning the house and when it came to cooking I was at such a lost, it was no secret my mother was a good cook but taking the time to teach that talent or trait hadn't occurred to her as she was use to doing it all. Then our church family brought us dinners for a few days I was in such awe of this kindness that I kept happily looking forward to dinner time back then with such happy excitement! Not only did I not have to cook and struggle with myself in the kitchen of my mom's comfort zone, but there was a wide variety of different foods I hadn't ever tried before.....it all changed when my father realized we were serving dinner from other family friends. He said "We have 2 teenaged daughters in this family there is no reason to make other people serve us dinners." Mom was giggling as she said "Well, Debby has no shame." I stood there wondering why I should be shameful? It stayed with me a long while to process how suddenly those meals ended and how I tried not to burn the house down from my horrid cooking....I realized that I was glad to not have shame, I liked knowing there where people out there willing to help and be around when our own personal family was not in full function. So last week after my mother's stroke I was on the phone with her friends who said they are waiting in line to bring meals at a moment's noticed and I smiled proudly thinking I truly still do not have any shame in asking for help....asking for help is the first step in being able to heal and survive, for we are never really all alone.

Through our eyes

Yesterday was one of those days I hope that I never repeat and yet I took away from it so much! 
Again, we almost lost my mother while my husband and I helped lay to rest a family dog, Newton. Sometimes I can feel so much all at once that I truly wonder if my spirit leaves my body for awhile to rest then back to gather strength? How else am I still standing? It is true that the human body is an amazing thing, my own Momma is a powerful example of strength and the will to stay alive in among great pain. She asked me the other day to care for the boys and I laid my head next to her face with a big hopeful smile so she could see me as I confidently replied "I always have, always will. You have to fight Momma." And I knew I will always remember that moment, that steady look in her face. Last night I finally todl my self to be brave and be honest with my father it wasn't as easy as I had hoped but it wasn't as bad as I thought...if he had yelled at me to never come back to the hospital it would have killed me I think....but he didn't and I finally was able to see through his eyes what he thinks, sees and deals with. It got me thinking last night that every story has so many sides to it and each person has a personal reaction to certain things that are different from even the person standing right beside them. I wonder how many of us stop to ask ourselves "What does the other person here sees? What will they remember about this day?" I had an image of my brother Daren suddenly when I thought of looking through the eyes of my father and understanding how he sees me.....When the Doctor told us that our mother will be blind in one eye or so...Daren walked around the hospital covering one eye at a time and when I saw this I couldn't help but be so very proud of him......He wanted to see the world now through his mother's eyes. Truly, something we all need to try.......

Words of the song, "Kite" by U2

Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did
'Cause hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin
I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone, anything at all

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't wanna see you cry
I know this is not goodbye

In summer I can taste the salt in the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me
I'm a man, I'm not a child
A man who sees the shadow behind your eyes

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Rooftop to the basement
The last of the rockstars
When hip-hop drove the big cars
In the time when new media
Was the big idea
That was the big idea

Closer to Love

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singin' this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon,
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord, come through
We're gonna get there soon

[Chorus:]
Oh it's your light,
Oh it's your way,
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin' out now
From so far away...
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin' down with the wind
And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon,
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room,
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

[Chorus:]
Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin' out now
From so far away...
Pull me closer to love
Closer to love

'Cause you are all that I've waited for
All of my life (We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited for
All of my life
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love
Pull me closer to love
Closer to love, oh no
Closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to l

Last Sunday

 Just one week ago and I say that in awe because it seems like it was a very long time ago actually........
I wanted to have some pictures of our new backyard so I took these and it is amazing how different that Sunday is from today, I still love my backyard but I kind of look at it strangely right now as I focus on my Momma. She would have loved hanging out here, as we had kind of planned for yesterday.....for yesterday I was planning on my family finally having room to enjoy a BBQ, That was only a week or so ago.....

Come on Girl, YOU can do it!

In respect to yesterday the worse day of my entire life. I didn't post anything because nothing was worth it. Truly nothing was able to explain and describe exactly that day......The day my mother almost died and we gathered to the side of her hospital bed in hopes to change that. There is my strong tough father with 6 kids who were not going to just "Let go" of our Mother, the rock in our family and in our lives...
With me being the oldest at 32, my sister Dana is 31 and brother Derek is 29, yesterday we each held onto each other. We have 3 other brothers I know I have mention them before Daren at 17, Dougie at 15 and Davey at 12. As we waited on the next move for our mother our Uncle Dan (my mother's brother) and His wife Aunt Sonja join us, they were watching over us. When my mom's little sister Aunt Karen arrived it was really sinking in what kind of battle we were facing, with her husband Uncle Matt and my own husband waiting during the surgery helped pass the time. But my father was truly happy to see his own brother arrive Uncle Rudy. I have been reflecting over yesterday, that traumatic day and how fast everything took a turn for the worse with my sweet mommy,. How amazing it was that we all had each other, also how I hope we never ever face anything like THAT again! 


Davey and I were talking about Monday morning when our mom had the stroke. He shared  "I was thinking about waking up but not so sure then I heard strange noises coming from Mom and tried to help her as she mumbled "Come on girl, you can do it." to herself like that then I think she said "What's wrong with ya?" as I went to get Daren and Doug." Davey has such a sweet way in remembering this scary moment. I nodded at him thinking of how our mother would be talking to herself to get back on her feet of how every single second counted as the stroke took over her as her brother raced of his home to help her and as my 3 brothers had their entire lives Changed forever, we all have.

A repeating song for this evening...

http://liveinlavenderlove.blogspot.com/2011/03/words-of-song-talk-by-coldplay.html

Another Day

Another day of shadows and lights, Another day by my family's side, Another day comes tomorrow...

I can't sleep tonight

Can I just say that I don't want the world to change?
Can I just close my eyes and sleep?
Can I just fix everything?
Can I tell my mother that she is so beautiful every day of the last 32 years of my life...for she truly is!
Can I go back and fight for her more? Not give up even when I saw that she made up her mind?
Because I realize now with or without Heaven and God there is just us...In the end we need each other as we are, I'd like to think there is a supernatural world out there, but I see clearly this world and it needs...
Can I see tomorrow? Maybe If I stay up all night I would see the sun rise, I would see the shadows of my four brothers and sister as we were this morning united to re-claim and fight for our mother, 
I CAN just take each day at this time...

The World has Changed.......

This morning I fell to the floor in deep sob as my cell phone fell from my sleepy hand, I let out such a loud cry that my pets zoomed in upon me......my mother had a stroke and in a split second my world had changed. It is one thing to say that such things could happened, it is a living nightmare when it actually does. Bravery, whatever that is actually...It keeps us strong and sometimes keeps us blocked from the feeling of actual fear. Maybe it isn't such a good thing to be brave all the time? For when you feel it that sudden fear, it hits you hard in the very pit of your soul. When I finally saw my mother and took her beautiful hand with her perfectly painted finger nail polished into my own shaky hand, I heard a voice inside me say "The world has changed...." I think there is power in prayer, with all the other family around us and group prayers I can FEEL such a powerful force here......we won't give her up with out a fight and God knows......There is a stronger power at hand when we join in!

Summer Time Foods

This summer my favorite grilled thing is Pineapple! I can not eat enough of the juicy smokey fruit after it is chard on the BBQ. Last year it was grilled zucchini sticks and the year before it was grilled shrimp! This year all I want is fresh pineapple! In this summer my husband creatively cooks with out gluten or grains. I thought I would DIE without my freshly home made bread slice or fluffy hamburger buns....Yet now I realize I am loosing weight and feeling so much better! I have such a sweet tooth mostly for pastries and pies! This last winter I was beginning to bake bread perfectly weekly then suddenly I gain  quite a bit of weight also....(Now I am not obsessed with weight if I have it or not, it's really isn't a problem with me, but being healthy has always been a desire and focus of mine. So I am excited to see all the new things to learn about food and what is natural for our own health)

I have discovered that a hamburger without a bun isn't as sad as I first thought it would be! I think bread can get in the way of the rich real flavors of the meats and veggies. I think grilling most everything taste AMAZING! I like to cut in half a head of Romain lettuce pour some olive oil over it and grill it while sprinkle salt and pepper. It is such a fun way to add a "Salad" to your meal while the pineapple ends the grilling evening with such a sweet kick! When it comes to loving food I am the biggest fan! I am proud to be married to a natural talented chef full of yummy ideas and a endless menu! 
Happy Summer time Grilling!!!

My Garden is growing!

It has been almost 2 weeks and I finally got our garden planted! It's been on my mind since our landlord said the fresh tilled ground was for me to play with! Excitedly between everything I have been doing the last few days the garden still got planted on time! I am impressed by all the things that can grow this late and still be harvested! This has been such a fun new adventure!

Picture time for the pets!

After such a late night (The Harry Potter movie was AWESOME by the way) This afternoon's photo shoot is brought to you by Oscar, Sidda and Tinker the cat! These animals make my life rich and full most importantly fun and loved! When I woke up this morning I had Sidda in my face and pillow with Oscar on my legs and Tinker Belle was even in my side....CRAZY but WONDERFUL also! I am thankful that they can live each day along side us!!!

At the stroke of Midnight!

Ever since I was a small child fairy tails and magical stories enthralled my imagination and enjoyment! Maybe because I was also told biblical stories with such miraculous power that I truly wondered and wish to believe in everything mystical and unseen! Naturally I took to Harry Potter like a kid in the candy store where anything is possible! Most importantly where everything holds such magic! AND I truly LOVE magic!!! Even more now in my adulthood then back in my unsure, worried some childhood.....My imagination allows me to create my own broom stick, my own Hogwarts and magic for life.
So tonight at the very stroke of midnight I will see it all come to an end....Just as powerful as the books and even more breath taking on screen this finale of Harry Potter will no doubt make me laugh, jump and cry by the end...I will end this night around 3am feeling nostalgic over all my memories with each movie and each book. Perhaps I haven't aged a day over 22 after all.....at least with my Harry Potter stuff I Feel like time can stand still.....maybe with the swish and flick of my wand it actually will!

Words of the song, "City of Blinding Lights" by U2

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart, day glow eyes
A city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
For people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Don't look before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs, purple irises
The camera can't see

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you made
Can you see the beauty inside of me
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground
Oh, you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time, time, time, time
Time won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man

Oh, you look so beautiful tonight
Oh, you look so beautiful tonight
Oh, you look so beautiful tonight
Yeah, the city of blinding lights

The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for, others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel
Luckily

Smore's

My husband Tony has been perfecting his fire pit knowledge, which means I am getting really good at roasting marshmallows too!
We spend most every single evening in front of the fire pit right now since we don't have a TV, this allows us to sit. chat and relax. What I really enjoying is seeing my 2 dogs laying in the grass around us or getting held. In this new place I am finding all kinds of projects and yard work. I have a garden to get planted ASAP....But those camp fire nights are the reward for a hard day's work! Even our fat cat who never liked the outside world ventures out to get petted before she races back inside. Tony said the moment we moved he felt instant relief and a sense of safety in our new place! I felt excited that now I have an extra chair for a friend to sit and join us! Last night when Tony's Mom and her husband Roy came over for smores, I truly enjoyed the magical time of laughing and getting those sticky fingers with melting dark chocolate rolling down the sides of our mouths! For THIS is what summer should always taste like!

Sail through the Milkyway

When Joanie asked me to travel with her to California, I didn't even hesitate! For I loved my best friend like a sister! Now I had a sister who had married and moved on in her life while her best friend Joanie and I became close. What amazed me the most about Joanie was that she always knew something about everything, I loved learning about the world from her. I was pretty clueless, sheltered and not aware of  the culture around me. We had some great laughs at my silliness, my goofiness and our friendship! Now I have always had this desire in me to have a life long friend, someone who stayed with ya through out your whole life! And I would have sworn our friendship would end just like that at the time....(BUT then again, I probably think THAT about everyone I befriend!)

I bought a plane ticket back from California, my boyfriend Tony would pick me up once I got back to Boise Idaho from California. I was thrilled to take on this road trip with my Joanie girl! We first stopped over in Salem Oregon for a wedding of Joanie's college friends. She was very excited about her film school in Burbank California. So when we left Beaverton Oregon at 9pm after the wedding ceremony after getting a tank of gas. We drove the whole 20 hours without stopping for the night on subway sandwhiches.We arrived in Burbank California late afternoon that next day. We were a bit "high" off of all the caffeine and sugar we bought through out the night to stay awake on the road. That road trip was one of my favorite adventures with my best friend!

Joanie threw the map to the floor of the car frustrated as she kick up her bare feet against the dashboard of her old blue Saturn car. "This damn thing doesn't even have this small town listed! Where the hell ARE we?!" I chuckled as I pulled the car into the ONLY gas station I had seen for miles. It was dark out and the last thing I wanted was an empty gas tank for 2 young women traveling across the country. "This place looks like a scene in a scary movie!" Joanie exclaimed as I got out to pump the gas, I whispered over my shoulder "It's safer HERE then running out of gas out THERE in the total dark!" She giggled and stretched standing beside me. We always stayed close to each other, although I told Joanie not to worry for I was becoming quite the "Bad ASS" then she would just shove me in my shoulder and roll her eyes. At this gas station I went to find the restroom when there was a sudden knock on the door as I was washing my hands, I smiled knowingly as I opened it saying without looking up from the paper towels "YES, I am washing my hands!" Joanie stood there looking around worriedly in her reply "Oh good...I had to run over and reminded you, I forgot to tell you before you went off." I rolled my eyes "Shit lady! Every freakin' time I use the restroom you say "Don't forget to wash your hands afterwords." it is getting ridiculous! YES, YES, I KNOW! And..I do wash my hands!...most of the time." I laughed as Joanie tried to slap my shoulder and we ran back to the car. I knew all about Joanie's germ phobias and often teased her about them. Every time we stopped she said the same things about washing my hands, I always felt safe and happy to get back in the car through out the night. To the endless playing radio of the popular songs like; Uncle Crackers "Fish in the sea", or Smash Mouth "All Star" song that we sang along with. I always knew when Joanie would turn up the volume to her favorite song "Lady Marmalade" from the movie Moulin Rouge.  We took turns driving, but since Joanie had a hard time seeing in the dark I drove mostly. Joanie hit the brakes on the highway as I sat upright from the passenger seat,"What? what was it?" I asked looking around the wide open road for it felt like we were the only ones awake at two in the morning....I waited as Joanie giggled "I thought I saw something.." she explained as my hands went up in the air "Oh for hell's bells! Let me drive...pull over in this turn out. " Joanie shakily pulled the car over saying "I don't see a turn out thingy...." I squealed out "Dear God! we are going to die young!" She laughed and shrugged as I took over for the rest of the night. Around 5am Joanie feel sound asleep in the passenger seat while I watch the most amazing sun rise over the horizon! My most favorite song at the time was "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Joanie and I loved singing along to that song from the radio for it played ALL the time on this road trip. Suddenly, as Joanie slept peacefully and I drove right into the most amazing sun rise I had ever seen! I thought about how I wasn't going to be 21 years old forever, That this road trip was just the beginning of many more in the whole of my life time. Then the soft sound of the radio played my favorite song again and I chuckled because it was all such perfect timing as I softly sang along with "drops of Jupiter",  For I truly felt like I was Sailing through the milky way at that exact moment of such amazing beauty of the approaching morning!

The Grass, well it actually IS GREENER...

My husband just commented on how my postings have shorten considerably since we moved, I chuckled at this because it is VERY true I have not actually written anything big lately. I am still thinking up memories, stories and life lessons. But to make myself sit in one place that long isn't happening very well. In this new cottage I can see many big or little projects and things to clean, sooooooo I am on the go, go, go right now. I commented back to my hubby "Well, I have never had this much dirt to pay attention to!" hahahaha I have a garden to get plant and trees to care over. I have flooding the huge lawn, and well all these new things that can fill up my day! What I think is really important to take note is that I have discovered that the grass is MUCH greener on the other side! 

 

Lavender Feastival

It was such a refreshing Saturday last year when my hubby Tony and I partook of the lavender festival in Nampa Idaho. We enjoyed yummy fresh salads and bought lavender honey (Which we ate up in 2 days!) it was such a romantic afternoon in the summer sunshine in my straw hat and comfy shoes. We drank lavender ice teas and cut fresh lavender bouquets. We even saw a purple looking snake as it slid into the shade! It is hard to believe that day was only a year ago! This weekend we will go again and hopefully get in on the high demand, not lasting long, lavender ice cream!!

"Over the hill and through the woods to the lavender farms we go!"

Moving In

On our big moving day suddenly everything I have been thinking about went out the door as all I could focus on was the moving truck and the hard working guys. They said it was easy to move our things (and I felt very proud of this fact hahaha) Every box wasn't hugely heavy since as I pack I would carry the box to see if I could do it all on my own. If the box hurt me as I lifted then I changed it around so that nothing was unbearable to carry. Strange how moving made me aware of everything around me, suddenly there were things I didn't need anymore and things I look forward to buying in our bigger place....Like a couch we haven't had a couch for awhile and now in our cottage we have room for one! hahahaha

I LOVE this kind of work, unpacking boxes and setting things in their place. I loved decorating the bathroom with all my purple and lavender things! The first room I create was the bedroom, for I had just watched the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" when she was moving into a villa after a horrible divorce while saying "Take one room at a time and make it your own." I kept thinking about that on moving day, Each room will come to life as I center in on one corner at a time.

My mother-in-law JoAnne came to see us on our moving day, She made a delicious big strawberry salad and ice coffees for us, We sat with her on our patio relaxing after working through out the day. She was our very first guest with her motherly ways checking in on us and surprising me with such a yummy salad! I told her I had forgot ALL about food among the boxes and things, she held my little dog Sidda and smiled knowingly. I am sure I have said this many times before but I truly do have such a kind caring mother-in-law! I love how she got us to sit down and relax while we visited, she also loved our new place. Her visit was a perfect moment to stop and breath among the boxes. I have been hoping that with this place we would be able to entertain finally. So having Mama Jojo's company and laughter on our stressful moving afternoon was truly inspiring to what I hope this place will create.....The coming together of all those around us!

Wiped out!

I can't really write much right now as I am truly wiped out! Our new place is lovely and cozy, I have unpacked every box and even cooked dinner tonight! The dogs are so fun to watch as they hang out in the big backyard, I just planted some white petunias under the pear tree in the center of the yard this evening.....to say that I am busy isn't the right word for I am amazed at all I have accomplished in only 3 days! I hope to keep this excitement and energy going ALL summer as we enjoy this calm private place for the next year. BOY! I am beat and I almost forgot to post tonight THAT is how tired I am I guess.......(Oh yeah and I still think moving is fun, it's a fun kind of organizing) Now tonight I stand back to look at my new home with my hubby reading as the pets finally nap:-) Have a peaceful summer night everyone!

Why that Snap Shot?

I find studies of the human mind not only fascinating but very educational. 
I use to always say to myself even as young as 5 years old, "I want to remember this forever, or  I never want to forget this."  I realize now that by thinking that at the time it allowed me to remember most everything of my life. I remember the bad dramatic moments just as good as all the happy moments, so what I want to know is why do some of us have such details in memories and others don't?  And why is memory actually so important? Sometimes I think my memory will drive me crazy and other times I think I am glad I can always remember.....On one of my favorite radio programs "Talk of the Nation" They discussed this topic of the human mind and how we form our memories. Did I already mention I LOVE these kind of topics?  I also believe that our imaginations are vital to our relationships with each other, because if we are not able to imagine how the other person feels or thinks then we can not be very good in connecting with them. In all reality our human brain with all it's sections and memory helps us survive and live better with each other. In allowing us to learn and importantly to remember as we can choose to better our future! I am amazed by such a thing like our brains! I will take the bad with the good and try to stay connected with how it all works.....Because it is very important to learn something NEW every single day and feed our impressive feature...the human computer in our head!

 Here listen to the same radio program that inspired this topic;
http://www.npr.org/2011/06/07/137036454/most-childhood-memories-vanish-but-why 

It's Moving Day!!!

Because moving days are busy and stressful, I am not spending my usual time on my blog. Although, I LOVE my mid-morning writing time, I will be BUSY today and soon I shall be writing from the cozy patio chair in my big backyard while my dogs Oscar and Sidney lay in the shade.....It will ALL be worth it soon to have our own place with NO ONE living above us or next to us! I feel like it is all such a dream, like this waiting around has finally come to an end! It is rather weird to have all these boxes with everything we own ready to move...I thought I had gotten rid of tons of stuff:-) Hahahaha I know THIS is going to be a FUN DAY! Here we go!!

My First Apartment

Moving for the 3rd time in my life was an epic moment, I wanted my own apartment for such a long time that when it finally worked out, I had 3 months of waiting and telling my parents that I was moving out. They fought me the whole way, some nights it was 1 or 2 in the morning with us arguing about this issue. I was 22 years old, but not at all sure of what I was made of or how I could handle my rule focused parents as they did not want me to move.  Looking back I am glad I had the "Balls" to finally move away, it was extremely hard at first, I had a thousand questions on how to survive in the real world, though it was 6 months before my parents spoke to me again. Although I wasn't deliberately trying to get them out of my life, I just knew that we needed some healthy space from each other as I needed to grow on my own.  Now I was clueless to most everyday things like rules and responsibilities. But it all left a big impact on my life as I faced it alone, determined to live in my very own place. I fell flat on my face many times, I was overcome by such deep fears once in awhile at night all alone. In truth I was never completely alone, I had many friends and even a thoughtful boyfriend, whose own father took me under his wing for advice and safety. I had to fight battles with my parents in hopes they saw things from my point of view only to have them cut me off for awhile. I have heard it said that to a child that the greatest fear is being disowned by their parents or not loved. I smile to myself when I heard this, saying out loud because I personally lived it "It is just fear, you don't lay down and die like you think you might...when your parents want nothing to do with you the bigger questions comes out and take over that kind of hurt. Asking of you to love not hate and always be very very brave!!! Because most importantly what I learned while living in my first new place, as I walked alone in the quietness of those empty walls, was how NO MAN is an ISLAND, we should always be there for each other no matter our faith and all the rules we may set up for ourselves.......Being alive and being there for another human is the greatest gift to give while we are still breathing!

My Tiny Trailer

It was in the summer of 1989 when I was 10 years old and we moved for the second time in my life. The first time I was 3 years old missing my sand box so much! Then this summer brought our adventures camping out on the orchard farms of our grandparents. I remember when Mom took us back to the trailer house to get our final things, I stood in my old bedroom that was bigger in my memory as I suddenly felt like a giant! I said out loud "WHAT HAPPENED?!?" Mom looked alarmed at me as She asked "What do you mean?" I explained with a confused frown, "This whole place has shrunk!" I said with my arms out touching both sides of my bedroom walls for the first time. Mom giggled realizing what I was talking about, "OoooH I thought something was broken or ruined, Debby Dear YOU grew quite a bit this summer. So naturally this place would seem smaller to you." I walked around bewildered at my old bedroom that my sister and I shared, I felt like a freak! How did I get so big in only a summer season? I wondered to myself. I walked around commenting on this or that had changed, Mom chuckled back over her shoulder as we hauled boxes to the car "That is why we are moving, imagine when y'all are teenagers this whole place would be VERY crowded." I stood for a moment longer looking at my empty old bedroom in awe that it was the tiniest room I had ever seen! I had thought it would be sad to say "Goodbye" to this home of my first 10 years. I realized that moving on is symbolic to change, I could clearly see how I had changed, for I had left this bedroom with everything big and familiar only to return not wanting stay. Now I realized I did not want to be so crowded....saying goodbye was very easy to me after all! Because I was saying "hello" to the new farm life and wide open spaces.....something our tiny trailer couldn't compete with anymore.

My Sand Box

I remember it was a bright sunny morning as I stood in the front door of the trailer house. I always watched my bare feet because the melt doorway could burn the bottom if I step on it. Sometimes I lost my balance and my little hand would get burnt by the hot melt. I was watching my Grandpa Ansil Graber shovel out dirt for my new sand box. He was the tallest man I had ever seen as he smiled down at me, I noticed my father and Papa Rudy Klein bring bags of sand to the spot where these men worked. I remember being really happy by the colorful buckets and shovels, soon my sand box would be built and I would get to play in the cool soft sand! I remember all the excited when it was finished, when my Dad tossed me up into the air! I had my very own play ground and I remember all the hours I build sandy mountains and used my imagination to tell a story as I played, I usually took off my diaper because the sand would get stuck in there as I played. How funny that I can remember ALL of this......Maybe that is why I loved that sand box so much because both my Grandfathers and Dad made it for me, When I was 3 years old we moved away from St. Maries Idaho where this sand box stayed behind and I cried! I was truly upset when I realized We would never be back to that lot again. My Parents were busy and told me to "Dry it UP" but then when my Dad finally asked me why I was sobbing so much I pointed back at my sand box saying "I want my sand box to come with us!" Then I cried so hard, it was traumatic for me, suddenly I realized we were moving for the very first time in my memory and life.
Was it the sand box or the fact I could remember when it was built? Was it my comfort zone when I played there everyday or was it that I didn't want to loose my security of the familiar?  I use to think that sand box was the ONLY thing I ever had that was my very own. My siblings were babies or being born when I was given a gift that only I truly understood was my own. Because after that sand box I had to share everything else the rest of my life. I wonder if having that sand box was when my memory took shape and I knew I NEVER wanted to forget my sand box days?


Daddy held me in his arms as we looked across the valley to where our trailer home was being pulled out from it's lot by a white semi truck. He pointed from our packed car in his parents driveway saying "Look Debby there goes our home!" I burst out crying again as I said "MY sandbox!" He chuckled as he patted my back "I will make you a even bigger sand box in our new place okay?" As we said our goodbyes to Grandma and Grandpa I thought it was amazing that they were crying too! It was nice to know that everyone loved my sand box too:-)

Moving

I can not move fast enough! When neighbors upstairs stomp around or yell at each other I tell myself the number of days left in this tiny place! How funny to have lived here 7 years without all the noise we have now from upstairs! Our first neighbor up there was a single woman, who was hoarding. She bought something every single day for 6 years! I always noticed this about her then she suddenly moved when her water pipe broke and leaked into our bathroom. The repair men and I could NOT get into her place because of the millions of things she hoarded! It was the most amazing thing I have EVER seen, from floor to ceiling her STUFF was stacked and thick there was NO moving anything to get in to her home! I lived downstairs in the same floor plan with wide open rooms...I found it all amazing AND it was why we Never ever heard her walking around at all! Maybe it is good she was a hoarder? We hardly had any problems with noisy neighbors until she moved out....IRONIC! The noise increased once she moved out, First starting with the remolding projects of laying carpet at 1am in the morning this past spring, it was so loud that it woke up the entire building! (Our dog Oscar is STILL terrified by that ever happening again) I guess they had some kind of jack hammer going off at 1am, it was all truly insane! Then there was a wild little crazy dog that barked endlessly all the time. We have lived here for the last 7 years and lately everything seems truly noisy! I thought I would miss this place but in 3 days I know I will walk away from it all very happy to start our new life in a normal small house with a bit more privacy! I have boxes ready and everything organized.....imagine ME super organized hahahahaha IT ALL BEGINS this weekend! 
WE MOVE....YIPPY!!!!